So upset by elopement

[Jaffacakedigestive]

I found out today my DSis eloped at the weekend & married the father of her children. I'm so so upset. Not by her wedding, people can have whatever wedding they choose, but by the fact she never told anyone? My poor mum does so much for her & we all speak daily. I thought we were close but obviously not and I feel like all the trust has gone.
AIBU to be hurt?

What a pathetic mindset to have 🤣🤣🤣

It’s not about you

Not to everyone. You describe her now husband as the father of her children, so presumably they've been living as a "married couple" for some.time - kids, house etc. Maybe they just wanted the legal protection of marriage?

Colleagues of mine did this. Popped out at lunchtime, got married and then came back like nothing had happened. They'd been together 20 years and recently had a child so wanted to get married for the legalities.

I got married just my dh and me, we saw marriage as a big commitment but the wedding itself was not necessary, they are expensive, stressful and not everyone’s idea of a good time!

Her not telling you was probably so she wouldn’t be made to feel guilty, most people would try and interfere and suggest a small wedding with just close family but then there’s the meal after and no doubt ‘why not just have a party’. I’m sure your sister loves you very much but the marriage is just for her and her husband, not everyone feels the need for guests to witness it.

Congratulations sister! What lovely news!!!

I think this is a really good way of framing it. Hope you can find a way forward without long term damage to the relationship with your sister.

I can see both sides to this.

My father married my step mother and didn't tell anyone. I say anyone, he didn't tell his side of the family. My step siblings claim they didn't know but I reckon they do. I felt very not part of his family because of it and I still feel that way now. I've never questioned my father for not telling me as I don't want to have an argument as it won't change anything. He didn't tell my siblings either.

But if I were to ever marry my partner, I'd want to go abroad and marry without any family there other than our children. My family have so many people not liking each other and I guarantee there would be an argument at my wedding and also some family members would want my wedding their way. My family very much question me about my choices with anything.

Your sister would have her reasons. And you have a right to feel hurt. However it's done now and there's no point in thinking anymore of it. It's her marriage with her husband. No one else's.

I think it probably wouldn't hurt a lot of parents to not see their child getting married. That's not melodrama, it's just a fact that her mother didn't get to see a special event in a child's life and that will hurt.

I agree and OP, I think you're getting a really hard time on here. It's perfectly natural to be shocked and hurt that your sister went through a major life event and preferred to not tell you or her mother. I would be confused and hurt as well. If it was very small and not a big deal for her, that doesn't explain why she didn't tell her closest family. Not telling family does suggest that there is something happening in your relationship and she didn't want you to know. That may not be true at all, but it's the obvious place for your mind to jump. Obviously we don't know you so perhaps there is a very good reason that your sister did this but you're obviously shocked. I would be as well. Eloping is quite different from having a tiny wedding.

It's disingenuous and unfair for posters to say that your sister can do whatever she likes and you're not entitled to have an emotional response. This may have been the best decision for her but it still hurt and she can't expect you to not feel hurt. If your Mum takes a bit of a step back from all the helping she mentioned because she's very hurt right now, I would hope that she would take that well and understand as that seems to be what she's expecting from you.

You sound like a drama llama.

Don’t overreact, just be happy for her, rather than making it all about you?

This was me. I absolutely hated the idea of having a big fuss made and it put me off getting married for years, knowing the weight of other people’s expectations and feelings would end up affecting the day. I would have loved to elope but knew my family would feel as yours have done, OP, so we had a small wedding with just close family. However that still wasn’t good enough for some and there was a lot of pressure from some relatives to do more (get a photographer, can’t Auntie Betty just come to the ceremony, what do you mean you’re not having an evening party etc). I also had friends react very badly to the fact that they weren’t invited. In the nicest way possible, you are making this about you and it almost certainly isn’t. Perhaps your sister wants the marriage but not the wedding (as I did) and this just felt like the simplest, cheapest, least embarrassing way to do it. Please try not to give her a hard time - if you’re as close as you say, then try to see it from her point of view and understand why she did what she did.

It’s not about you. But you know you are being unreasonable and irrational. Plan a small family celebration/ take them out for a meal and you’ll feel much better. Congratulations to your sister xx

Surely having children is also a major life event? It’s not like she’s gone and married a holiday romance. You’re free to feel whatever you feel, but to suggest that you can’t trust her is an absolute stretch at best. You’re not entitled to know every detail of your sisters life, however close you are. There is a world where you congratulate her & her husband, and find a way to celebrate them. Weddings are notoriously expensive, high pressure and cause lots of family upset for no real reason. This thread being an example of that.

For goodness sake, stop making this about how you feel.

It was a bit of admin. Not a huge wedding you weren't invited to.

I am close to my sister and I wouldn't care less if she did this. It would be their business and their choice.

YABU.

We did this. My parents would have wanted us to have had a amall, cheap wedding. My DH parents would have expected a huge wedding. My parents would have been very uncomfortable around his family. Still together 35 years later.

please don’t make it all about you. Disappointed maybe, but please show you are happy for them.

I did something similar and I can honestly say I didn’t care about anyone else thoughts. It was me, him and our children on that day that’s all that mattered. No regrets.

I think YABU as I think you probably would have made a fuss. We wanted to do similar many years ago. I don’t care about marriage, but for practical reasons we thought it best after having a child together. We made the mistake of telling parents we just wanted to “sign the contract” and lo and behold they organised the wedding party we never wanted for us.

Why does she call you twice a day for 45 minutes?

Love this for her! Congrats to your sister!!

Had a couple of elopements in my very close and loving family and I know that people will tell you it was her choice blah blah blah but it does sting, it really does.

You love that person so much, that sharing their joy and their day would have been appreciated and then that’s taken away from you. And to know they were planning something you could have helped and supported them excitedly with is upsetting.

I personally didn’t feel like the trust had gone, but in both cases I did express my sadness and they expressed their reasoning and we moved on with love, empathy and grace.

Your hurt at this and her right to have an elopement are not mutually exclusive, they can sit in the same space.

There’s such binary thinking around people’s emotions it becomes silly. We are all entitled to our feelings.

But we all made it through and are as close now on the other side of these elopements as we were before. I do completely understand.

I’m glad you’ve not said anything and hope you can be effusive, you cannot try and make this about you and ruin it for her, she had her reasons, her marriage is not and will never be about you

She likely didn't tell anyone as someone would have tried to make her invite them/changed her mind/ put a downer on it.
It's not about you at all. It does not mean you're not close.

Some people don’t want the fuss. She likely knew you’d be upset if she told you beforehand and couldn’t be bothered with the hassle. Weddings get complicated and political.

Presumably she didn't want a Wedding, with all that entails, she just wanted to get married to the father of her children for legal reasons. It can hardly have been a surprise and I'm not sure if really counts as an elopement, they've just done a legal formality without inviting family to watch.

The fact that you are terribly hurt suggests she knew her family would make a big thing about a wedding...

Their wedding is about them not you.

You have some growing up to do.

My sister eloped,we re very close and it didn't occur to me to mind. I was just delighted for her. It's not about anyone else but them just ne happy for them