So upset by elopement

[Jaffacakedigestive]

I found out today my DSis eloped at the weekend & married the father of her children. I'm so so upset. Not by her wedding, people can have whatever wedding they choose, but by the fact she never told anyone? My poor mum does so much for her & we all speak daily. I thought we were close but obviously not and I feel like all the trust has gone.
AIBU to be hurt?

No matter how hard people try, this sort of faux confusion when people suggest that they have any feelings on the actions of others will never convince me that it's okay to behave however you want while expecting others to have no reaction. Everyone is completely within their rights to have a very private wedding, but those they have close relationships with will almost certainly be hurt and confused and they have as much right to feel as they do as you have to act as you wish. Without some serious mitigating factors, it is appalling to get married without telling people in your family with whom you have close, loving relationships. You don't have to invite them if you don't want to, but you do absolutely owe it to them to tell them and explain your reasoning in advance instead of being a coward and putting off dealing with the consequences of your actions until later.

Everyone is allowed to have the wedding they want. This is what they wanted, for absolutely no one else to know. I do understand you are hurt, but this was their day, their wedding, their way. It isn't about you.

All I have said to her is that I'm happy for her. II'm just venting my own hurt here.

It would be different if they told some people but not you, but they told no one. They DID tell you once it was done. Plenty of people elope this was because they don’t want the fuss and don’t want other people trying to convince them to do things differently to the way they want to do it, which your post seems to suggest you and your mother may have been likely to do.

Ultimately, a marriage is between the two people making the commitment. There is enormous pressure to make it about everyone else and this is precisely why a lot of couples do it this way. It’s absolutely nothing personal.

I find this quite odd. I’ll be eloping next year but I’ve already made my sister aware that this is the case. She understands, and has offered her assistance but doesn’t expect to be involved. I won’t be making it common knowledge but I also won’t be keeping it a secret. Especially from my family. Happy to tell people but they won’t be invited.

A marriage is a very intimate and personal relationship/experience. As well as a huge responsibility and legal/life commitment. Between two people. It’s okay for the wedding to reflect that.

You're also saying all trust is gone which seems abpretty huge declaration in response to a single incident that doesn't actually impact you in a meaningful way. Yes your feelings are hurt but beyond that I can't really see that it's a huge thing. It's not like she betrayed you. I can see you'd be a bit disappointed but saying all trust is gone is huge compared to the actual situation

Your sister didn't have a 'wedding', which is a piece of theatre really. She got married, if it's helpful to think of it that way. Are there photos, did she dress as a bride? Some people really hate the thought of that!

But telling people would not be eloping. The whole point is the secrecy.

Some people find it romantic.

If this is the only blip in an otherwise strong relationship with her, I'd overlook it.

That isn't really eloping though: it's a small wedding.

The whole point of eloping is you slip off and do it without saying anything.

My friend did this a week or two ago. No children together (two grown up from her first marriage). They had been engaged for about 8 years and I thought it was a pointless engagement for so long, that they were never going to do it and she went and surprised everyone, with two randoms for witnesses - they then went for a celebratory meal (with cake that they shared later). Good for her I say.

OP in the real world many people would feel how you are feeling.Absolutely nothing wrong with having a quiet no frills wedding but it is the secrecy that would sadden me .
Pretty sure that most people would feel upset if their much loved daughter/son/brother or sister did the same.

I hate fuss and ended up with a much bigger wedding than I wanted due to family (mother) interference.
What your sister has done sounds perfect and after all its about the couple nobody else really.
Be happy for them, it has no bearing on your love and bond.

You aren't being unreasonable to feel shocked/hurt that your sister had a wedding without telling anyone. I would feel the same.

You are being unreasonable to assume the elopement means there's no trust and you aren't close. I didn't elope but I did have a wedding without any family or friends present. There were a million reasons why - I'm sure your sister has her own and one day, in the future, you can ask about it.

Don't normally tell people when about to elope.
Just wish them well. Being married now doesn't change her or your relationship, their marriage choice is their own choice. If they wanted to elope (for whatever reason), it's up to them and not you. Sorry OP.

In all honesty, why would you like to have known? It wouldn't have changed anything for you. No dress to buy, no hen night to sort out, it really doesn't matter, not really other than... well, I don't know why you're struggling with this really.

Only reaction when being told after would be a big happy hug and genuinely be pleased for them. It's their wedding isn't it?

Because they are already together and have children, maybe they didn't see formalising it in a marriage as a big deal? They're established. Nothing really changes except they have legalised it. I wouldn't worry about it too much. They did it their way.

It really isn't important. Far more sensible than a showy wedding when you've lived together for years and have children. She probably kept it a secret because she knew you would all disapprove and kick up a fuss. Only you've done it afterwards as you didn't get the chance to do it before. I'm team sister.

What would have been different if you knew in advance? Would you have insisted to be there

Me and my DH eloped. I am incredibly close to my family. It might sound selfish but we wanted the day to purely be about us. I never wanted a big wedding or any fuss. Even the thought of a small wedding made me feel anxious, and I didn’t want to feel like that on my wedding day. The fact your sister eloped is no reflection on your relationship. If you plan to elope, you literally can’t tell a soul.