To cancel a day out over breezy attitude?

[MaybeOverthinkerNightmare]

Not sure if im being unreasonable here or expecting a little too much as I struggle to make friends and feel a bit disheartened with this situation.

I'm off work this week and have some childfree time to myself. I asked a friend if they fancied doing something like go fo a walk. They took a while to respond but eventually with a backhanded comment "sure a walk tomorrow then, what time?", I responded with a time and meeting place which was read and nothing further. We are due to meet tomorrow and haven't heard anything more from them since then.

A similar thing happened a few weeks ago when i invited them to lunch, had a great time (i paid) and went for an hour walk afterwards. Then I got ghosted or semi causal/vague responses to messages after that. I feel a bit disheartened that i get a sense they are just not interested and trying to placate me.

This has taken a lot of effort for me to put myself out there and make friends, instigating more rather than being led. I guess thinking a little enthusiasm or reciprocation would be nice but am I expecting too much? Is this actually how friendships are? Should I cancel and just move on from this situation?

Different take: message friend again to confirm.

Are you able to meet up?

I agree with this. If I am organising a meet up with someone once a time is suggested then I will send a thumbs up - it means I'm okay with it and will see them at that time. What more do you expect, they have effectively sent an okay to you? We don't all spend all day on our phones.

Could you maybe try something a little more interesting to do next time, like a spa, shopping, theatre. She may have come across as a little disinterested as she couldn't really get excited about going for a walk and it wasn't to do with you at all. Well done for putting yourself out there.

Yep. That’s often how it goes with me too. It doesn’t mean I don’t like someone.

I get it OP. You feel left in limbo, as if your time is of less value to everyone else.
You're probably not doing anything wrong, just surrounding yourself with the wrong people.
I too would be pissed off at a non reply.
I'd just bite the bullet and send a message along the lines of 'hey! Just want to double check if we're still meeting up tomorrow as I've got other commitments that I need to organise my day round? Can you make 2pm?'
If she doesn't answer by say 9am I'd just bin her off even if she comes back with a lame excuse of not replying sooner.
Give yourself some value and self worth! You're not a second choice or boredom filler!

Trust your instincts. Invest in people who invest in you. If this is causing you disappointment then move on and stop initiating. By staying in this one sided friendship you are just being disappointed over and over, this acquintance doesn't meet your needs as a friend, so why put yourself through it? If you invited me for a walk, I would jump at the chance!

I get it's OP, I'd hate such a friendship. Friends are meant to be a positive thing, not feel like an obligation.

I'd go then take it from there.
What I've learnt in life, never force a relationship.
I have one friend and that's plenty enough as previously, so called friends have only caused unnecessary drama.

I feel like everyone is ignoring OPs follow up when she said the friend responded "no other plans then" when she suggested a walk.....does this mean she thinks the plan is boring? I dunno, seems a bit rude but maybe she was just wondering if you'd suggest lunch/coffee as well. I find that odd though because if it were me I'd have suggested that myself and also be assuring the OP that it was my turn to buy since she paid last time.

The thumbs up in itself I wouldn't find an issue, that's just her agreeing the plan.

Well done on putting yourself out there OP, and trying to initiate friendships. I hear you, I've found these things tough myself in the past and it can take up a lot of headspace.

Re this friend, I think it's too soon to pull the plug. As others have said, focus more on how it is in person than on the messages in between. Not everyone is that keen on or has the time for WhatsApp chit-chat. If over more time, she turns out to be flaky, I'd reassess.

I'd also try to broaden your efforts to make friends to some more people. I've found that when you overly focus on one person or one group, it comes across as a bit intense. Even if you don't think you are or are trying not to be, it comes across that way because it means so much to you and people hold back a bit with you, because it's just too much. If you spread your efforts a bit more, it dials down the intensity a bit and people respond better. Obviously, you don't want to spread yourself too thin, but I think if you do look a bit more widely and relax a little, you will find your people.

I'd also add that we socialise with people on different levels. Some people will be more occasional coffee friends, some people you go for regular walks or dinners etc with, some may become such strong friends that you holiday with them, for example, All of these friendships are valuable, but not everyone will become a really close friend.

I think when you've had friendship struggles (I include my old self here) it's common to take an all-or-nothing approach: someone is a close friend or not at all and if they're not going to be close or make steps towards that, then just forget it. Again it's that intensity thing. That person may be a very nice occasional friend, but they don't have the space for a new close friend right now. It's worth recognising generally that those lighter friendships can still be worth something, rather than diving in deep every time. Sometimes with a bit of time and space they MAY (or may not) evolve into something more. It takes time to make an old friend after all.

Keep going OP, it takes some practice.

Just check in with her asking if shes still ok to meet tomorrow at Y place at X time.

She should pick up the tab tomorrow. If shes a friend she would anyways.... I hope it works out x

I really hope I'm wrong with this reply.

That, paired with a dry response is why I feel they are disinterested in having much to do with me.

It's possible you've given this friend the impression you only ask to see them when you've nothing better to do. "No other plans then?" sounds a little bit like that.

While tying yourself in knots over the degrees of excitement they're giving over texts from you, have you considered whether they might also feel under-appreciated? It helps to say how nice it was to see them, and perhaps follow up on something they said with a question or an idea.

When you had lunch, did you come away feeling you understood more about them, their life and interests, and had you shared roughly equally about yourself? It's becoming more and more common for people to be 'broadcast only' - I blame social media, and am sometimes guilty of it myself. It's a terrible way to conduct a relationship, though.

It's great that you noticed them cutting down responses towards the end of lunch. I wonder whether you actually asked if they needed to finish up or carried on plugging away, in an increasingly desperate effort to keep them at the table?

In short, it's possible your anxiety over whether you are appreciated could be blocking you from giving enough to them. What do you think?

If she keeps coming out when you ask, to me the cues don't suggest she doesn't want to be friends with you, they suggest she already has a full plate. And that may mean she's not the friend you're looking for at the moment.

However, you invited her for a walk on your day off. Her initial response "No other plans then?" sounds like she thinks you are treating her as a stop gap when you have nothing better to do.

In your OP you said -

This has taken a lot of effort for me to put myself out there and make friends, instigating more rather than being led. I guess thinking a little enthusiasm or reciprocation would be nice but am I expecting too much? Is this actually how friendships are? Should I cancel and just move on from this situation?

Yes, some friendships are like this. It's not wrong to want some reciprocation, but you think you're putting a lot of effort in when it sound like she thinks you just call her up when you're at a loose end. And that may be a reasonable assumption on her part. Do you put in any effort other than suggesting you both meet for a coffee or a walk?

I do think always being the instigator is often a sign that the friendship is unequal in some way. But you may expecting a bit much from her and seeing it as more of a friendship than she does. Making friends requires a bit of effort and a bit of serendipity. you need to be trying to make friends with people who have room for that and, if you aren't spending time with them anyway for some other reason (like work or a class, or the like) then someone who has time they want to spend making new friends. Possibly you need to be reaching out to more people rather than focusing on just one (if you are - you don't mention other efforts, but that doesn't mean you aren't) and then following up with the most promising. I wouldn't drop a meet up with someone you're getting on with though, it doesn't help you any.

I don't think you need the "as you haven't responded" bit. It's obvious and would rub me up the wrong way because it comes across as scolding. Just say the first bit op.

Don't get too put off: she may just be busy.

Edited as posted on wrong thread.

Maybe she didn't get in contact because she knows she owes you lunch and can't afford it and is a bit embarrassed. Which would also explain the "no other plans" comment.

You don't really know what's happening in someone else's life. Just take things at face value - she said yes.

I think it's the walk she's not too keen on, her response didn't sound overly enthusiastic. Maybe you need to suggest something more interesting?

My close friend and I sometimes communicate like this (just a thumbs up to confirm). We are both very busy and juggling too many life jobs but both of us know that. We meet up, have a great time, then don't message each other again for a while. We are all just so time poor but it doesn't mean we don't value the friendship.

Overthinking is really unhelpful when trying to build a social life. You need to accept you don't know how anyone else really feels. My sibling is lonely because she feels rejected if someone forgets to reply, or she feels the 'tone' of a message is off (it isn't). Don't be like that.

@MaybeOverthinkerNightmare - I think it is reasonable for you to expect a response to your suggestion of a time and place - even just “Sounds great, see you then”. I do sometimes take a while to respond to messages, but ones involving arrangements do get a quick response.