To cancel a day out over breezy attitude?

[MaybeOverthinkerNightmare]

Not sure if im being unreasonable here or expecting a little too much as I struggle to make friends and feel a bit disheartened with this situation.

I'm off work this week and have some childfree time to myself. I asked a friend if they fancied doing something like go fo a walk. They took a while to respond but eventually with a backhanded comment "sure a walk tomorrow then, what time?", I responded with a time and meeting place which was read and nothing further. We are due to meet tomorrow and haven't heard anything more from them since then.

A similar thing happened a few weeks ago when i invited them to lunch, had a great time (i paid) and went for an hour walk afterwards. Then I got ghosted or semi causal/vague responses to messages after that. I feel a bit disheartened that i get a sense they are just not interested and trying to placate me.

This has taken a lot of effort for me to put myself out there and make friends, instigating more rather than being led. I guess thinking a little enthusiasm or reciprocation would be nice but am I expecting too much? Is this actually how friendships are? Should I cancel and just move on from this situation?

Find a new friend OP, sounds like she can't be arsed with making an effort. I hate a thumbs up reply also, does my head in!

The 'No other plans then?' was probably because last time you both had a meal and a walk.

And perhaps she was quiet after the walk because she assumed the meetup was done.

You're reading too much into little things .

They took a while to respond but eventually with a backhanded comment "sure a walk tomorrow then, what time?"

I'm not sure how this has been construed as backhanded?

Their later response of 'no other plans then?' I take to mean 'only a walk? Well I'll come, but it's not very exciting, is it?'

I'm guessing they want to see you but would rather do something like lunch and cinema or coffee and cake or whatever, not just a walk.

Also not everyone goes for loads of chit chat over text. You've made you plans, she'll get back to you to confirm times etc, that should be enough.

But if you feel in your gut that it's always you arranging/chasing and that they wouldn't bother with you if you didn't initiate everything, then step back and leave it for a while and see if they contact you in future.

Do you think maybe you have really high expectations of people that they can't/won't meet and you're making life really hard for yourself?

Oh dear! I'm dreadful at messaging/ phoning. If I don't reply instantly I often completely forget.

You're definitely overthinking. She's confirmed your arrangement with the thumbs up!

You don't have to change yourself OP. Just be aware that some people are not like you, and seek out the ones you fit with better. There's nothing wrong with how you are. I'm the same, very engaged and I like to see that reciprocated. If people show a lack of enthusiasm reciprocation I very quickly become disinvested. Maybe it stays at a casual level or I let it go. But I keep on seeking others who are more like me

I have many friends who don't chat between meets/coffees/lunches/dinners

We just chat on the meet up

The friends i tend to be wary of are those who never initiate meeting up.

I have one particular friend who always says "you pick a date and time", then hearts the message anx then we meet up.

I've decided not to bother with her any more because her attitude fucks me off

My issue is I don't feel great being the one to always opening up conversation or always planning to meet. I dont just want to be the friend being responded too all the time. That, paired with a dry response is why I feel they are disinterested in having much to do with me. I may be wrong but the social cues state otherwise. That is what I am trying to say.

I am split.
At first I thought you were reading too much into things. My friends/sibling - usually respond to each other with a thumbs up,if there is nothing complicated happening. It just means yep/sure/agree.

I also can go a month plus without reaching out and vice versa - but when we meet up its a good laugh.

HOWEVER - the dry responses and the lack of questions directed your way changed my view.

Reason being - I had a lady I met once at an industry event. She all of a sudden started texting me every 2 days with no real reason to - even when I subtly let her know that it was too much. I found it so intrusive that I started doing what you've described. I directed no questions to her - I didnt initate texts, I replied in the most minimal/dry way possible.

So you may be onto something.

The thing is - if the friendship doesn't make you feel good (whether too full on - or not warm enough) its okay to say this is not for me.

Hmm. She doesn't sound super keen... but then again I have lots of friends and mostly I don't message them between meet-ups, except to organise a meet-up or if I see something that reminds me of them. I hate limp "how's it going" texts except from really close friends as they require effort to answer thoughtfully and I am just very busy.

Hopefully the walk will go fine. Don't pay for her lunch as a matter of course - if she has to pay herself you'll get a better idea of whether she wants to invest in the friendship or not.

So they did respond. The thumbs up means that time and place is ok for them and thats the plan

I dont message barely at all, I cant operate a phone very easily, I cant see the phone very easily, its often turned off and in my bag which lives in the hallway.

Once Ive made plans with someone, that is the plan, I dont need endless checking in or chatter about it. I have a friend who does this, asking again over and over when Ive confirmed, yes see you then. What more needs to be said?

I also dont like communicating by message or even by phone, I like to talk in person and be with the person.

I’m not really seeing the issue, sorry. Unless you feel like it’s always you initiating? It’s always difficult to read much into that, as some people just don’t take the initiative much, or lack confidence to suggest things.
After your walk, try just leaving things for a bit to see if she initiates the meet up next time.

I totally get this. I don’t expect a whole convo, but just a quick “Yeah sure, looking forward to it!” is better and more appreciated than a thumbs up emojii. And yes I also struggle to make friends, so I’m just happy to have a chance to message anyone at all.

Oh yes thats the other thing that happens to me, I think Ive replied to something and then find out I didnt, that happens at work really, not on the phone but Ive always think Ive sent that email and then it turns out I didnt

What does backhanded comment mean in the OP anyway?

I agree with you.

Id find a thumbs up really rude tbh. Id rather nothing and a message when they have time.

I am curious as to what the breezy attitude is?

Very typical MN responses!! If you have a good friend, then a thumbs up is definitely ok, but if you are developing a new friendship, then a bit of enthusiasm from the other person wouldn’t go amiss (looking forward to it…weather looks nice tomorrow etc), it doesn’t have to be an elaborate rsvp as someone mentioned, just something to show OP that they are at least vaguely interested in!

OP, I don’t honestly think this is the friend for you…a walking group, a running group etc, where there are multiple people to meet might be easier. Good luck 👍

But OP is saying she’s the one always reaching out and always initiating

One free meal! And we have no idea of the circumstances — maybe the other person planned to pay next time, hence the slight surprise at only a walk being proposed? I mean, there’s no reason to suppose the other person is any kind of exploiter, purely because the OP doesn’t like that she replied with a thumbs up.

How do you know this person? Are you sure she is actually your friend? I only say this as I have someone similar who seems to think we are besties when the reality is she is just the mum of one of my children's friends. She doesn't work so during the holidays etc she is always wanting to meet up. My time off is quite precious so I don't actually want to spend time with her. It is quite difficult to say no to her so I do meet up very occasionally but I certainly don't want to be messaging her at other times. I think this could be the case with you unfortunately.

You sound quite intense tbh

Hi OP, hope you go on your walk and enjoy yourself. I have a friend who describes herself as a real introvert and she likes a lot of 121 time and chitchat/checking in between meeting up. She's always eager to have very explicit confirmation of times etc whereas I'm more of the heart/like a message persuasion. She always wants a plan to meet up as soon as we've hung out. I would say it can feel a bit intense but I'm hugely fond of her so I roll with it. I guess just worth saying you could try matching her energy - you might be coming over as intense without intending it?

I don’t think you’re expecting too much at all. It’s completely understandable to want a bit of enthusiasm and reciprocation, especially when it’s taken courage and effort for you to put yourself out there.
I wouldn’t necessarily assume they’re not interested, as some people are just poor communicators, but the pattern would leave most people feeling a little disheartened.
I’d probably send a quick message to confirm tomorrow, then leave it with them. If they continue to be vague or make no effort, you can step back without feeling guilty. You deserve friendships where the effort feels mutual, and this one person’s behaviour certainly doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. ❤️
She sounds weird. You sound sweet and lacking in confidence. Trust your instincts

I think people aren't transparent enough in messages and it makes it really hard to interpret. I'm very transparent so if I am keen to meet up but have no time constraints, I say "Sounds great, when is good for you? I can be flexible." Another time, after a couple of backwards and forwards messages where neither of us could make the time the other suggested, I said "I've been trying to find a way of making it happen because I really enjoy spending time together, but the times just don't work. Let's wait until we're both free." All it needs is clear communication.

This is totally normal. Asking about other plans is making conversation, not something to be offended about. You saw her 3 weeks ago, that's plenty, why do you need more contact in-between? She might be your only friend but you'll be one of many to her I expect. If she spent all day texting everyone she'd never get anything done and what would you talk about when you meet up if you'd already discussed it all?

If this is a new friendship you're definitely expecting too much contact. 99% of people aren't going to become your bestie who lives in your pocket. She agreed to meet you (after leaving it a few days to see if a better offer came up, I guess) and you got a thumbs up to acknowledge the time/place. She hasn't done anything wrong.

Don't pay for lunch again though, that would be weird and sets a strange precedent where if she's a user she could take advantage. You need to know if she's happy to hang out when no money is being spent. So long as you get along and she's not flaky and cancelling on you last minute then no problem. Just accept it as what it is, a casual friendship that means more to you than it does to her.

I don't know her life but I usually only meet up with a friend once a week, that's all I have time for, so I wouldn't be meeting up with someone once a month unless we were very close. I'm guessing she doesn't have as much spare time for friends as you do and is spreading that time across more people. Only time will tell if you're going to end up close friends or not.

To answer your question, don’t cancel. Go but keep things light. I’ve got lots of friends I see only occasionally and don’t chat much in between. Other friends I will text back and forth a lot but I hardly see them. It’s not uncommon to confirm with a thumbs up, especially if one of you is busy. There is room for a range of friendships so don’t focus all your energy on just one.