To cancel a day out over breezy attitude?

[MaybeOverthinkerNightmare]

Not sure if im being unreasonable here or expecting a little too much as I struggle to make friends and feel a bit disheartened with this situation.

I'm off work this week and have some childfree time to myself. I asked a friend if they fancied doing something like go fo a walk. They took a while to respond but eventually with a backhanded comment "sure a walk tomorrow then, what time?", I responded with a time and meeting place which was read and nothing further. We are due to meet tomorrow and haven't heard anything more from them since then.

A similar thing happened a few weeks ago when i invited them to lunch, had a great time (i paid) and went for an hour walk afterwards. Then I got ghosted or semi causal/vague responses to messages after that. I feel a bit disheartened that i get a sense they are just not interested and trying to placate me.

This has taken a lot of effort for me to put myself out there and make friends, instigating more rather than being led. I guess thinking a little enthusiasm or reciprocation would be nice but am I expecting too much? Is this actually how friendships are? Should I cancel and just move on from this situation?

From whose side?

From OP’s side. A thumbs up - no one’s that busy.

I wouldn’t send another message, just turn up and enjoy the day. I have plenty of friends like this (object permanence) and I can be guilty of it too. My day to day life is busy and when I can see them I do but I wouldn’t think of them often.

20 years ago or even less you would have made a plan to meet up over the phone or in person and then just met up. Texting and everyone constantly being available at the end of their phones is a very new thing. It suites some people well. For some texting etc is part of being social, in fact can even be an alternative to meeting in person. For lots of people though texting is a means to an end. You say you met up and had a great time so she is a social person who enjoys socialising with you presumably since she also agreed to go on a walk. But she isn't someone that wants to be permanently on her phone or doesn't get much from being on her phone. Which is actually very healthy.

I just think while mobile phones etc can be great they have changed expectations of what friendships/socialising should be in a way that isn't great.

It’s not a question of being too busy. It’s just how someone communicates. I do with my family and friends and vice versa.

Mind you, I don’t struggle to make friends 🤷‍♀️

I’m not sure what the issue is… it’s only just gone 3pm, she said she’s up for a walk and has given a thumbs up on the meeting place and time tomorrow.

You got a thumbs up. I really don't know what else you're expecting. It sounds like a perfectly normal exchange. Clearly there's a plan for tomorrow, I can't understand why you would want to cancel it. If you did cancel for no reason, it's you would come across as very flaky, so I can see why you have issues maintaining friendships.

They've agreed to your time and place! What on earth are you expecting, some kind of elaborate RSVP?

Honestly, OP, you will find it far easier to make friends if you stop throwing strops on the internet about what you think of as other people's insufficiently fulsome responses to a text message.

You're doing that classic 'struggles with friendships' thing I see on Mn with some regularity. You feel that as it costs you some effort to send a text message, the other person 'owes' you some kind of explosion of enthusiasm and confetti.

If you want to see this person, value their company and will enjoy the walk, why are you trying to sabotage the outing before it even happens?

I think that’s how a lot of people make plans - as in you make the plan and then you chat when you’re together, not in between via messages.

She also might not consider going for a walk an activity that needs a lot of planning.

I wouldn’t over think it. Go for this walk and then next time wait and see if she makes contact. If not, then you’ll know she’s not that fuss and can move on.

People do run away if you come on too strong or seem too needy, that’s just a fact, so better to match her breezy attitude.

Some of the responses are a little harsh. I have openly stated I do struggle with situations like this.

I have some acquaintances but no real friendships, it has been this way since I was a teenager where people would only really show interest in me as a last resort or if it benefitted them. None were healthy or warm. I had a lot of therapy over the years and the result of that was to put myself out there more to engage with people. I am trying to initiate and put myself out there. I am not needy but if that is what it makes me for wanting some human interaction that is not cold in response to some effort i am making then so be it. I will work on that.

But how am I supposed to know whether I am putting myself in a situation that mirrors past experience or if its actually genuine if social cues i am picking up on mean nothing? If they simply aren't interested and would rather be doing something else then that is fine but I would rather know than give up my rare childfree time flogging a dead horse.

Nothing wrong with a thumbs up emoji reply, in the right circumstances, but the question about not having other plans might be a sign that this person isn't as interested in the friendship as you are. I think it really depends on how she is when you're together. If you are consistently feeling the vibe that she's not enjoying your time together, I'd probably start looking for more friendships, as this one may fizzle out. If everything is fine when you meet up, that could simply be her communication style, in which case I would try not to take it personally.

Presume she has a spine
presume that when she gives you positive affirmation of where to meet tomorrow - she’ll be there

@MaybeOverthinkerNightmare You already refer to this person as a friend so I can't see what the problem is. They've agreed to have a walk together and you have already provided a time and rendezvous so what else are you expecting to happen in the meantime? Excited online chatter about it? You're presumably both adults. Fulsome thanks for asking them? It's a casual arrangement between friends surely?
How was her comment "back-handed"? Or do mean "off-hand"? Again, you're adults. A walk with a friend, however nice it might be, is hardly something to get excited about.
She didn't "ghost" you; she replied to your messages, even if her level of excitement doesn't meet with your exacting standards.
You could cancel but what reason would you give? "I'm sorry but you haven't made enough fuss over my invitation so I'm not coming"?

Your friend does sound disinterested, sorry to say. They can’t even be bothered to chat to you or drum up a bit of enthusiasm.

(Sometimes I find people’s attitude to friendship very odd on this site.)

If she didn’t want to see you then presumably she wouldn’t have agreed to a walk… so I would go with the assumption that she enjoys your company.

If you want to know where things stand then maybe wait for her to initiate meeting up next time.

Why is “Sure a walk tomorrow” back handed? You need to relax a little.

If I asked for a place and time and got a reply I'd respond with a thumbs up. My friends would be the same.

If it were me, I would go along tomorrow and see if they turn up. If they do, enjoy it but recognise they aren’t as into the friendship as you and maybe let this one slide.

If they don’t turn up, do something nice to treat yourself.

OP, respectfully -- for you asking someone to go for a walk is a big deal. For the person you're asking, being asked to go for a walk probably isn't any kind of a deal. S/he isn't psychic and has no idea you need some kind of display of enthusiasm along with an agreement to the time and place to prove she's not 'cold'. Getting resentful enough to post on the internet about someone's 'backhanded comment' and 'breezy attitude' is not going to help with nurturing friendships.

It is a complete waste of time trying to second-guess what other people might think of you. Apart from anything else, you can do nothing about it. Focus on yourself. Do you like this person? Did you enjoy the lunch? Will you enjoy the walk? Then that's all good.

But if you want to sabotage this friendship before it even gets off the ground, then start resenting the frequency and type of this person's text responses, or 'testing' them for genuine enthusiasm, or getting transactional ('I paid for lunch so you 'owe' me a certain number of warm/enthusiastic/engaged texts since.')

As far as I'm concerned a thumbs up to a date and time is a perfectly acceptable response. What else is there to discuss, especially as you're meeting tomorrow and will presumably chat then? You're over thinking in my opinion.

I would interpret thumbs up meaning they are coming. People can be busy when they answer messages and not have time for a long message but want to confirm a plan.

Some people are easy to make plans with and others less so. I have gravitated towards spending more time with people who are easy to make plans with. I lack the time or energy for 10 messages going back and forth or regular cancellations. I am time poor and want to enjoy my free time and if the messaging is longer than the proposed activity, my enthusiasm will diminish. I don't need constant confirmation either. If I had thumb upped, I'd be coming. Your friend might be the same.

To give yourself the best possible chance of having lots of friendships, I would aim to be easy to make a plan with, reliable and hard to offend. I think you are reading things into your friend's response that I would not. Assume people are nice with good intentions and that's mostly what you'll experience.

If you have a thumbs up, I would take that as a yes. I understand you OP, things have changed, people used to confirm plans with actual words. You got a thumbs up instead!
Go, turn up, don't worry and am sure have a nice avo. It takes time to form a friendship and you're doing nicely to start the ball rolling.

I don't see the issue. She's given you a thumbs up to the time etc. I'd save any conversation I had to do in person on the walk.

Why does a walk need enthusiasm drumming up? And it’s tomorrow, not several days away so save the chat for the walk, surely?
I might send a quick ‘still ok for the walk’ in the morning if I thought about it, whether I was the inviter or the invited, but that’s all.

Was the apostrophe put in as a joke? 😄