To cancel a day out over breezy attitude?

[MaybeOverthinkerNightmare]

Not sure if im being unreasonable here or expecting a little too much as I struggle to make friends and feel a bit disheartened with this situation.

I'm off work this week and have some childfree time to myself. I asked a friend if they fancied doing something like go fo a walk. They took a while to respond but eventually with a backhanded comment "sure a walk tomorrow then, what time?", I responded with a time and meeting place which was read and nothing further. We are due to meet tomorrow and haven't heard anything more from them since then.

A similar thing happened a few weeks ago when i invited them to lunch, had a great time (i paid) and went for an hour walk afterwards. Then I got ghosted or semi causal/vague responses to messages after that. I feel a bit disheartened that i get a sense they are just not interested and trying to placate me.

This has taken a lot of effort for me to put myself out there and make friends, instigating more rather than being led. I guess thinking a little enthusiasm or reciprocation would be nice but am I expecting too much? Is this actually how friendships are? Should I cancel and just move on from this situation?

Jeez a walk in nature is not boring
It's really good for you too. You don't need to.keep going out and spending money. Awful comment.

Just a little update, they cancelled about half an hour ago with a rather blunt "I wont be there today" no apology, excuse or anything. I get that things come up and am grateful that they cancelled beforehand so I wasn't waiting around. I do think I am going to let things lie now and try not to let it affect me putting myself out there in future by take some pointers from all of this. Thank you for all the advice provided.

So your instincts were right. I think the people with common sense could tell something was off with her responses.

Please don't let her behaviour change who you are. You did the right thing initiating friendships. Unfortunately sometimes you do have to weed through the dross people.

I think you're wrong. It sounds as if this is a very new friendship/ acquaintanceship and the OP (out of no malice, but because, as she admits herself, doesn't have any friends and has never had any, and is hence (a) totally inexperienced at it and (b) understandably suspicious, because her previous experiences with people haven't gone well) is expecting far too much of someone who is still, presumably, a casual acquaintance, in part because this is, one assumes, the only friendship she's pursuing, and it's almost certainly not for the other person.

I mean, I can see why the OP, given her struggles with friendships, might want to see a particular level of enthusiastic response so she feels reassured the other person isn't rolling their eyes and saying 'Oh, god, a walk with X, I suppose I should go'. I absolutely get that. we've all been there.

BUT, on the other hand, the other person has to want to engage in a new friendship, and being subjected to arbitrary 'tests' as to whether she really wants to go for a walk with the OP, as indicated by a more enthused response, is a bit much at this point.

Bluntly, if I'd said yes to a plan to go for a walk and I knew the person was on the internet complaining that I'd only replied to the time and place with a thumbs up, and that they were thinking of cancelling because I seemed insufficiently enthused, I'd probably disengage gently.

I mean, I have enough stuff going on in my life without my emoji use being interrogated by someone I'm only getting to know. I don't need to be cast in someone else's internal drama.

Maybe she saw your Mumsnet thread.

Going forward, try to think positively rather than, perhaps, latching onto perceived signs of negativity. If you convince yourself something is negative, it is likely to end up that way.

Friendships take a while transition from breezy to meaningful. Try to have fun during the breezy phase and remember everyone else has stuff going on in their lives too.

I agree.. it does sound like she saw the thread…

I think it's highly likely that she saw this thread and was very understandably upset

Don't let it put you off engaging in future friendships, OP. Every person, and every potential friendship is different. Literally everyone who has ever set out to make friends after primary school has dealt with someone who wasn't as keen on them as they were on the other person.

That seems the best way to look at it. At least you can stop it going round and round in your head now. Best Wishes.

That's SO unlikely.

It sounds like this wasn't the right person for you OP.

That was a horrible message @MaybeOverthinkerNightmare , maybe a relief she has done the hard work for you, no awkward walk now, just no need to contact again or try to work out the meaning of future messages.
is there any chance that when you last met in person you might have inadvertently said something that inferred she wasn’t your first choice for that occasion?
you say everything was fine then she couldn’t wait to get away, which could mean she was knackered, you went on about something far too long, were judgy , she realised you’re politically misaligned, or you unintentionally insulted her
it’s just the message ‘ no other plans then?’ sounds sarcastic as though she felt like your last resort rather than an actual first choice?

if I’m wrong apologies, it just sounds like something somebody might say if they were already pissed off.

or it could be that she’s pissed off about something else nothing to do with you and took it out on you

or she’s a dreadful communicator anyway, only you know this

OR

shes just not very nice and isn’t going to be your friend

whatever, she’s cut the cord now, id leave her from here on.

Following on from the update:

Reply with "oh I'm gutted about that, I'd been looking forward to a catch up" then stop contacting her and crack on with your life. No more energy spent chasing that friendship.

I would go for a long walk with my audiobook. So you get the fresh air, the walk, and probably better company from an actor reading you a book.

I had a mate who cancelled on me so many times and prioritised her new mum friends (I was a friend from childhood AND I had a baby so I was an existing mum friend, just not one of her NCT clique). Another friend told me to stop chasing the friendship and see when she next reached out. She never did. That was about 13 years ago and it's the only friendship break up I've ever experienced.

I hate it when people text just to ask how I am. I'm never sure what I am supposed to say beyond 'fine, you?' And then you say 'fine' and what then?

It's not a proper conversation. It's pointless. I'd rather keep texts purely for arranging details for meeting up, and wait to have a proper chat then. I don't think I am alone in this. People who constantly text me for no important reason even when I just saw them recently get on my nerves. If it was a relatively new friend then unless I was VERY VERY enamoured with them I would find it off-putting and intrusive. It's not a right or wrong thing, just different communication styles, that's all. Some people can't go five minutes without texting or ringing all their friends but I'm not one of them.

If you find personal interactions quite tricky to navigate it can be very hard to know when you are trying too hard, or wasting your time on someone who just isn't that into you.

I'd always advise that if you made the first move for the first meet up then leave it a while and if they enjoyed it, they'll reciprocate next time. If they don't, it's okay to ask a second time so long as you've left it a while, but brace yourself for excuses about being busy and vague promises to get back to you at a later date.

It might happen, but if it doesn't then LEAVE IT ALONE and take the hint. Don't chase and just end up making yourself feel crap and hopeless at friendships. Focus on group socialising rather than trying to home in on one person. If someone feels a particular connection with you then a one to one friendship can happen organically as a result of meeting them in group situations.

It's far from impossible, though. I've 'recognised' two different people on here down the years, in one case because of a detailed description of a situation which, as I'd understood it from observation at a distance, was also capable of being viewed very differently.

I hope you just responded with 'thanks for letting me know' and then made a mental note to NEVER contact her again. Put it down to experience and move on. You've tried to cultivate a friendship with someone who just isn't feeling it and she's put you out of your misery in quite a brutal way which leaves no room for misunderstanding. She's not even bothering to pretend or make excuses about why she can't be there.

At least you don't need to waste any more mental energy on this one. She's done you a favour by being blunt. You don't have to try to de-code a message like 'sorry something's come up and I can't come tomorrow. I'm really busy for the next few weeks but I'll try and get back to you at some point when I've got less going on.' Which is the gentle let down way of saying 'You a nice enough, but not a priority for me. Sorry.'

I think that if you let someone buy you lunch then you owe them some basic politeness at the very least.

@MaybeOverthinkerNightmare I see the person cancelled. As a fellow over-thinker, trust your gut. Making friends can be a very lonely experience. I would join a class or some kind of group doing a hobby you enjoy, could be anything, and that way you can spend time with people who have a similar interest to you but no one to one pressure. You will almost certainly find that some friendships flow in due course. Best of luck, and be kind to yourself.

I would reply "Oh sorry to hear that! I hope all is ok. Thanks for letting me know."

You've done your best. The difficulty with social communication is that everyone is different. Reading this thread you've been too intense, too passive, too needy, too reserved.... It can't all be true and once but it could be true for different people.

I've become a lot more transparent in my communication. So I'll openly say now "I'd love to meet up and I'll put that in my calendar, but I may need to cancel at short notice because DD1's needs are unpredictable." If people really want to meet up with me, they'll accept it. If they want someone who can commit to something with absolute reliability, that's not me. My real friends know that I'd never cancel unless I had to, so they accept it.

I also find the thumbs up ambiguous. It's fine if we've discussed options then settled on an arrangement, but if I've written something kind or helpful and get a thumbs up, it can feel a bit dismissive. Other people think thumbs up is purely positive.

I would not reply at all at this point.

I would reply with a thumbs up and let some time pass.

The therapy you had sounds good abut nothing beats a lived experience so don’t worry about putting yourself out there while you’re learning what feels right.

My sister goes with her gut but is very anxious and has ADHD so her gut is a hindrance rather than a help. Spending time with people is like a social experiment, don’t put yourself under pressure to connect with people. Try to go with the flow a little more, good luck x

🙈

If she hasn’t seen the thread, then she has no manners. “I won’t be there today” very blunt. No sorry, nothing.

She obviously thinks her time is more important than yours OP, it doesn’t sound like she has much respect for you.

Sorry, OP, I am late to this but I only had to read your OP to know this 'friend' is a flakey waste of time.

I have a friend who is just like this, has let me down numerous times despite a long history of me helping her out a lot. I stopped instigating making plans with her. She likes to keep me on the hook, though; if she sees me doing fun things with other people, I suddenly get a message. I can almost predict it now.

I have filled my life with other people and when she messages now to meet up, I genuinley quite often already have other plans.

If I were you, I would join a local walking group or something like that and either let her approach you or forget about her.

Scary. Like a Jane Fallon plot. A reminder to us all to take care.

THIS!

I admire people who you set a time and date, and then don't 'reconfirm' or some bullshit. You should only get in touch if you can't make it, or you're going to be more than 10 mins late.

@MajorProcrastination Long walks listening to audiobooks are my idea of heaven 😄