To cancel a day out over breezy attitude?

[MaybeOverthinkerNightmare]

Not sure if im being unreasonable here or expecting a little too much as I struggle to make friends and feel a bit disheartened with this situation.

I'm off work this week and have some childfree time to myself. I asked a friend if they fancied doing something like go fo a walk. They took a while to respond but eventually with a backhanded comment "sure a walk tomorrow then, what time?", I responded with a time and meeting place which was read and nothing further. We are due to meet tomorrow and haven't heard anything more from them since then.

A similar thing happened a few weeks ago when i invited them to lunch, had a great time (i paid) and went for an hour walk afterwards. Then I got ghosted or semi causal/vague responses to messages after that. I feel a bit disheartened that i get a sense they are just not interested and trying to placate me.

This has taken a lot of effort for me to put myself out there and make friends, instigating more rather than being led. I guess thinking a little enthusiasm or reciprocation would be nice but am I expecting too much? Is this actually how friendships are? Should I cancel and just move on from this situation?

I wouldn't even message again - you've got your answer, sorry OP xx

I disagree with a lot of posters.... I suspect they haven't read all of your follow up posts with more detail. She does sound off and disinterested. I think trust your gut OP. You are conscious of your actions and thought processes so chances are you are judging the situation correctly.

I think it’s less about you and more that she isn’t a gushy, chatty texter. I’m the same most of the time. If someone texts me “how are you today” it’s just so bland and general I can’t get enthusiastic about replying to that. I much prefer to chat in person where conversation is natural and flows effortlessly.

There’s not much more to say about going for a walk, she’s agreed to meet you with the thumbs up.

It conveys a conventional polite response that may or may not be enthusiastic.
Most messaging apps display a stream of messages. You really don't need to clarify a time when it is in the message directly above.

@Wadsworthy I dont want a gazillion messages confirming everything over and over. A great see you then would be enough or a small check in to see how I am or whatever. Just a little something to show some interest. It has been a month or so since the lunch and I got nothing from them only a response.

My issue is I don't feel great being the one to always opening up conversation or always planning to meet. I dont just want to be the friend being responded too all the time. That, paired with a dry response is why I feel they are disinterested in having much to do with me. I may be wrong but the social cues state otherwise. That is what I am trying to say.

It's a walk, not a day out. And I'd say herthumbs up means she's up for it. A message tomorrow morning to confirm is all that's needed.

Friendship takes time. And yes, some people are really bad at instigating and it might well be that as the friendship evolves, you find that is a reason not to be friends. It might also be that this woman likes you enough for a walk or a couple of hours over coffee every few weeks, but she doesn't feel strongly enough to be interested in investing the time or effort in a proper friendship. It happens. I'ts happened to me, and I've been like that with people who have tried to established friendships with me.

I'd like you as a friend.

Honestly if someone didn't want to see you and spend time with you, then they wouldn't agree to do it.

She is seeing you tomorrow, has confirmed via a thumbs up.

Yes, it is possible that you are more excited about seeing her than she is you. But that doesn't mean she doesn't want to see you.

If you expect people to respond only in specific ways then you will be disappointed and overthink every thing.

Go for the walk, if you have a good time great. If not. Don't do it again

But if you thought the last meeting ended badly, and that this other person was 'desperate to wrap things up', then why did you keep messaging her afterwards to ask how she was, and propose another meeting, despite what you perceive to be the coolness of her responses?

YANBU OP, most people would say something like looking forward to it or something.

Maybe that’s how she is. I would see if she turns up tomorrow. If not, then go for the walk and don’t invite her to anything ever again.

I wonder if she’s disappointed you’re not inviting her to another free lunch? Did she even attempt to pay her share last time?

You sound very needy. If you’re not sure of arrangements then just voice phone to clarify.

I'd be feeling the same as you OP, but I'm a massive overthinker and people pleaser. I always assume people don't really want to talk to me and feel surprised when people show genuine interest. But then I think that does mean I can tell when people do really want to be friends and when they don't, so don't just ignore your gut feeling. There's nothing worse than feeling like your forcing people to spend time with you.
I'd go along to this meet up and just see how it goes, and maybe take a step back and see if she reaches out for next time.

I don't like chatting via text, so my replies would be similar to hers. I wouldn’t be quite as abrupt, probably "yes great 👍", but that would be it. You’re meeting tomorrow, you can talk then.

You're overthinking it, you almost seem to be looking for reasons it's going wrong. Why would you cancel, she has replied and agreed the meeting tomorrow. See how that goes.

Yes, it looks very like self-sabotage.

If I'm at work that's all you're getting from me.

I see your point op. I’d guess that either this person is super busy or is a poor remote communicator. There’s a chance that they really aren’t bothered about you or your friendship but that seems unlikely given they keep agreeing to see you and are engaging when with you.

My issue is I don't feel great being the one to always opening up conversation or always planning to meet. I dont just want to be the friend being responded too all the time. That, paired with a dry response is why I feel they are disinterested in having much to do with me. I may be wrong but the social cues state otherwise. That is what I am trying to say.

This looks like self-sabotage and neediness, and it is difficult for others to deal with this in the kind of intensity that you seem to project (just going by your posts). It's tiring for other people. She has responded. She wants to meet up. Just focus on that!

I totally would feel the same in this situation OP. I do think they’re an adult and need to make a bit of effort. Presumably they wouldn’t reply (or ghost) their boss or someone so why should they do it to you. However I think if it was genuinely fine when you met / they were very grateful you paid for lunch etc I would let things slide to an extent!

My thoughts as well.

If you feel too disappointed at her interactions, OP, then there's nothing pushing you to keep it in the diary (or, on the other hand, to call it off). But it's a walk, it could be quite flexible in terms of time or even rescheduling from her point of view, without either person losing opportunities to bond. If you were to miss it for the original day, it would wait. It sounds as if you want her to match what you expect a friend to be like as closely as possible, though, and emojis are not really an accurate science or communication format. If you do want to see if she 'matches' to your ideal, you need to give her a few further chances, I suspect.

It’s not neediness. No one wants to be the organiser all the time.

If I look at my friendships, it’s an equal mix of friends suggesting meet ups.

It’s not tit for tat, e.g. a friend might suggest a few meet ups and then I’ll realise she’s been doing the heavy lifting recently and then I’ll think of something fun for us to do. Or similarly I might suggest a few meet ups and then she’ll get message and suggest something.

Everyone wants to feel valued.

It sounds like she’s ok if you are paying for her lunch or meal, but otherwise isn’t interested in a walk due to it being free. I’ve been there and don’t ignore red flags and misinterpret it as you are being sensitive. I’m a bad texter and talk much more in person but if you are the one finding each trip…don’t do it.

Peoplw vary in their communication styles, it’s not you. In the morning text her to say “Is (time) at (place still ok for you? If so see you there.”

I had someone this week text me in a very offhand fashion about a longstanding arrangement that I’ve really been looking forward to. It felt off to me as well but it really is just different styles.

And no it’s not you, don’t take it personally. Some people are vultures not just financially but emotional vultures. She expects you to make all the effort and that’s just not fair