To cancel a day out over breezy attitude?

[MaybeOverthinkerNightmare]

Not sure if im being unreasonable here or expecting a little too much as I struggle to make friends and feel a bit disheartened with this situation.

I'm off work this week and have some childfree time to myself. I asked a friend if they fancied doing something like go fo a walk. They took a while to respond but eventually with a backhanded comment "sure a walk tomorrow then, what time?", I responded with a time and meeting place which was read and nothing further. We are due to meet tomorrow and haven't heard anything more from them since then.

A similar thing happened a few weeks ago when i invited them to lunch, had a great time (i paid) and went for an hour walk afterwards. Then I got ghosted or semi causal/vague responses to messages after that. I feel a bit disheartened that i get a sense they are just not interested and trying to placate me.

This has taken a lot of effort for me to put myself out there and make friends, instigating more rather than being led. I guess thinking a little enthusiasm or reciprocation would be nice but am I expecting too much? Is this actually how friendships are? Should I cancel and just move on from this situation?

I have what feels like eleventy billion whatsapp messages, emails, texts, team chat messages, instagram messages, linkedin messages, voicemails etc etc etc every day. I have a full time job, teenagers with endless hobbies and responsibilities, volunteer responsibilities, committees, parent groups, fundraising, different friend groups, family groups, it goes on and on and I'm blessed but busy.

Your friend has responded, said they want to go on the walk with you and asked for a time.

What more are you looking for?

There is no need for any lengthy chat in the message as you'll chat on your walk.

Perhaps they read the time you said and they'll see you there then.

Why don't you PHONE them to double check if you're not convinced they'll show up. Or a quick "hiya, are you still OK for 1pm tomorrow? let me know as I'll make other plans if you're not free. really looking forward to catching up!"

I'm interested in as to how long you've known this person. You seem a bit anxious about it and unsure whether she really wants to bother or not. No-one wants to persue friendships with people who are lukewarm in return or when you're the one who always has to initiate contact, make all the suggestions, pay etc. It should be more reciprocal. You don't want to feel accommodated rather than actively inter-acted with. OK, maybe I'm overthinking now....but I think there's something you're uneasy about and it's hard to know.
So, meet her for this walk (if she turns up) and judge from how that goes as to if you think this friendship has a future.

Don’t cancel, go along and see how it is.

If the vibe is still not good then you know not to pursue the friendship.

But there's no evidence whatsoever that the other person expects, or indeed wishes, the OP to make any particular effort. She may be perfectly happy to see the OP, but equally she's not putting any particular expectations on her that the OP organises outings or initiates contact -- it's the OP who apparently wants the contact.

Me too. Op you’re getting some unnecessarily snippy responses from people somewhat missing the point. You just would appreciate a warmer responses to your reaches for connection, as would I. You’re not asking for the moon on a stick, as some would have you believe by all the, you should be happy with a thumbs up responses. This place is not known as a nest of vipers for no reason though. Take heart, you sound like a warm hearted person who would appreciate the same in return. Sometimes feels like too much to ask I know.

Then she should shut all forms of meeting down then. Someone who turns up for free meals but won’t do anything else if it means them paying, there are “friends” like these out there - maybe I read wrong but didn’t infer, is that all we are doing, a walk? She wants free food and drink.

I think a few things could be going on here. They could be much busier than you and have ma y more social connections so prehaps not looking to make deep and meaningful collections or already feeling a lot of pressure on their time. Because of this, you who has a lot more free time and fewer friends may seem to them as coming ona bit strong / needy. Nothing wrong with either situation just that you are a bit mismatched in time / availability.

It could also be that you have some attachment / rejection issues going on in that you sre really over analysing the lack of warmth / reaponse from this person, or their desire to wrap the meeting up. They might just be busy, it is probably not about you.

I don't know you or if any of these will actually apply to you but might be worth thinking about in case they help you form friendships in future.

In my area there are quite a lot of walking groups for people to meet, chat and stroll, you like walks, is there anything like that in your area?

I really hate going for a walk, so tend to invite people round for a cup of tea which might be more relaxed should that friend hate going for a walk too!

Does she ever contact you to arrange to go out, does she ever pay for dinner out?

I think I'd go for the walk as planned tomorrow and see how the vibe is. If it is another slightly awkward end where you feel she is rushing to wrap up, then don't put yourself out there again and wait for her to come to you. If she doesn't, then you have your answer about her priorities and where you feature in them.
I have a very old friend from school who never messages me first and I have decided to just let the friendship gently drift now. I think she's great, but the feeling of maybe being a pest, even after twenty years of friendship, isn't nice and I don't need it. If she ever messages me, I will be delighted, but I'm not holding my breath 😅

Good luck OP and well done for recognising the beginnings of a pattern and being prepared to manage it if needed.

Is this friend a man?Just wondering as you have said ‘they’ throughout your posts, and it might change the dynamic if it was.

OP you’re not expecting too much at all. But I think you’re expecting too much from this particular friend. The best thing to do when making new friendships is kinda follow their lead. And just put yourself out there as much as you can. But putting yourself out there is only what you do at the start. After that you match their energy until they either fall away or a friendship is established. Read them and the level of interest in a friendship with you by letting them take the lead after you’ve initiated friendly vibes and an attempt to meet up or connect, I see in your other post that you said about surface level .. I have the deepest friendship with someone I don’t see that often in person … I think where it’s going wrong is that you initiate but then you maybe feel like you should keep initiating and you shouldn’t because then you don’t give enough space to see who they are and what they want. People love talking about themselves but also a lot of people can’t stand the ‘how are you? text as although it’s caring, it’s putting the whole burden of a big thought out reply on the other person. If you message how are you and they reply but then they don’t reciprocate .. you need to leave it at that when you’re in the early stages of friendship. Mirror the energy they’re meeting you with. That doesn’t apply to longer established friendships when they might be going through a hard time or a stressful time at work etc, but in the early stages you be friendly and actually op make sure you like them! It’s not just about if they like you! If you hit it off then you just say aw this was fun let’s meet up for a coffee sometime and give your number. Then you let them message you. If they don’t, that’s your answer. If you initiate and make the first move you don’t then message them and say do you want to meet up for a coffee? … you’ve already asked them so it’s their move. You take turns and that’s how you know if someone is actually wanting to be friends or doesn’t have enough time or feels pressured etc

I have what feels like eleventy billion whatsapp messages, emails, texts, team chat messages, instagram messages, linkedin messages, voicemails etc etc etc every day. I have a full time job, teenagers with endless hobbies and responsibilities, volunteer responsibilities, committees, parent groups, fundraising, different friend groups, family groups, it goes on and on and I'm blessed but busy.

100% this.

When I've agreed something with a friend, it's in the diary & I'll be there. If I can't make when I've said I will, I give as much notice of postponing or cancelling as I can. I'll suggest another date if I can. I don't feel the need to send several further messages.

As I've said, I have a friend like you & her neediness can be irritating - she cancelled on me because I hadn't sent regular follow up reassuring texts FFS. When I see her, we get on really well, but her neurosis in between meet ups is really trying.

I totally get it. There’s nothing wrong with some more enthusiasm or response when you’re actively reaching out. I’ve had this and stop organizing as I just find it super rude. Everyone is busy, I’m making an effort, surely a yes or no or more than an emoji is possible!

Sounds like neither of you have done anything wrong.
But if it's making you feel so bad, perhaps look for friendship somewhere else?
This other person can't/won't give you what you want out of a friendship, so either find another who fulfils that need or reframe your expectations & work on being happy with the little time and few interactions you have with her.
I'd go for the latter but you follow your gut.
Good luck.

OP, I say this kindly but judging by what you’ve written here it could be she just isn’t as keen on persuing this friendship as you are. Go for the walk and see how it goes but as the saying goes, don’t waste your time on people who wouldn’t waste theirs on you.

Hi OP

I empathise with your situation and have found my self in friendships willing are too one sided. Unfortunately I’ve only realised when the friendship is long standing, when I’ve bought all the lunches/done all the favours. Please wait for them to contact you next time. You’ve done your bit now, shown your interest, leave it with a ‘just let me know if you fancy another get together’ and then it is down to them.

This is the only way you will have the type of relationship you want.

I’m at the stage where I’m accepting having very few friendships than having ones which require me to make all the effort, sadly.

This was my thought too tbh.

op, how much did you message after your lunch? I wouldn’t expect a friend I’d just seen to be messaging right after we’d just talked.
had a great time (i paid) and went for an hour walk afterwards. Then I got ghosted or semi causal/vague responses to messages after that

Does your friend have a lot of friends? I am wondering because this is exactly the kind of interaction that I would have with my friends. We all have other friends with so we aren't placing so much significance on one person. For me, when the time and place is set, then that is what there is to say until we meet. But I can see that if the person on the other side doesn't have any other social contact in the meantime, it can seem a bit cold or disinterested.

Friendships in general work best if taken fairly lightly and you accept people as they are and for what they can give you. Close friendships take time to build up and you have to start at the light and easy stage. Going from nothing to all in rarely works. Sometimes when I read about people struggling with friendships on MN I think they are expecting someone to be 100% committed to the friendship from the get-go. But if you go in with that attitude and the other person already has a friendship circle, you are more likely to push them away with over-intensity and neediness. You might end up close friends, but take it slowly and let it develop naturally.

Send a message to your friend: "Are we still on for tomorrow? See you at x?". Enjoy her company there and then and don't think about it more than that.

She is trying to let it develop naturally. She’s explained that it’s been a month since they last met up and that she’s been the one who had initiated and that the person isn’t being friendly between messages.

All sounds like the other person isn’t that bothered or interested and I actually think her ‘ no other plans then?’ Comment was shitty and not well intended.

Is going for a walk something they like to do, or something you suggest?

I don’t have a lot of free time, and I can’t say I’d be super enthusiastic about spending what little time I do have just aimlessly walking around 🤷🏻‍♀️

I do thumbs up to agree to plans when I am busy. Some people don't initiate meet ups but are happy to go if invited. If this bothers you why don't you leave it a bit after this next one to see if she initiates anything.

Yes, this is how some friendships are. It very much depends on the other person and how they communicate, not usually a reflection on you.

I am very much like your friend in communication style - I don’t always reply straight away or need to have a fixed plan until the last minute. But I do enjoy spending time with people when I see them, it is definitely not a reflection on my friendship with them.

Was that the backhanded comment? Because on your original post nothing was backhanded. But that seems pretty backhanded. I would stop arranging plans if someone said that to me