To cancel a day out over breezy attitude?

[MaybeOverthinkerNightmare]

Not sure if im being unreasonable here or expecting a little too much as I struggle to make friends and feel a bit disheartened with this situation.

I'm off work this week and have some childfree time to myself. I asked a friend if they fancied doing something like go fo a walk. They took a while to respond but eventually with a backhanded comment "sure a walk tomorrow then, what time?", I responded with a time and meeting place which was read and nothing further. We are due to meet tomorrow and haven't heard anything more from them since then.

A similar thing happened a few weeks ago when i invited them to lunch, had a great time (i paid) and went for an hour walk afterwards. Then I got ghosted or semi causal/vague responses to messages after that. I feel a bit disheartened that i get a sense they are just not interested and trying to placate me.

This has taken a lot of effort for me to put myself out there and make friends, instigating more rather than being led. I guess thinking a little enthusiasm or reciprocation would be nice but am I expecting too much? Is this actually how friendships are? Should I cancel and just move on from this situation?

OP has clearly said a time and place has been suggested already by them.

What about the time spent with them; do you enjoy it, are you relaxed, etc etc?
I can see the lunch you paid for being your treat, as you seem to have issued an invitation, but were there any slight misgivings about that in your mind? Was it much more of a casual snack arrangement, where most of us might have paid for ourselves?
It’s just a little unclear as to what extent this person is a friend yet. Seems partly like a longstanding relationship (if not very close), yet it also seems like you are still feeling your way along.

Last question! That ‘backhanded’ response. Has there been any reason for them to be a bit brittle? Did they ever catch you blatantly weighing up your options regarding whose company you wanted; anything like that?

I guess it mainly stems from our last meet up. We had a great time, conversation flowed really well but towards the end I got the vibe they were desperate to wrap things up. Which is in itself fine and understandable but they did not reach out or initiate any conversation again, responded to a few casual messages I sent asking how they were etc without asking anything in return. There was a lot of silence. And now I have asked to meet up again suggesting a low-key walk because of the vibe I got since the lunch seems very cool and casual, take it or leave it situation. I don't know if im reading more into it or just confusing myself with different vibes. I wish I could stop the thought train.

However I accept I am probably being irrational and reacting over nothing. So will go tomorrow and see how I feel about it all after that.

Hi, fellow over thinker. Been in that situation many times. Sorry can't help but hope you get resolution.

Just respond with look forward to seeing you tomorrow

Just text them in the morning "Looking forward to the walk, see you later/at [ ] o'clock"

Crikey meeting a pal for a walk isn't supposed to be this complicated and fraught.

“The first response was "no other plans then?"… OP that’s quite a bit of information to leave out of the first post. Several things to consider ..how long have you known this friend and how did you initiate the friendship .. is it another mum from school or from work etc? I have had friends for 35 years that I don’t see from month to month and at times in my life where I’ve been at a loose end had friends who were also at a loose end at that time and more of a ‘friend for a season’. Reading what you’ve written, 2 people kinda have to be on the same page for a new friendship to blossom and it sounds like the friend feels obligated, although saying ‘no other plans then?’ was rude but maybe a way to hope you’d read a room that maybe you’re not able to read so that then don’t have to be blunt and say no. To be that rude would suggest either they actually are very rude or you’ve not picked up on signalling that they’re not so keen on the friendship but don’t want to tell you bluntly… I’m not sure. Would they have to face you on a regular basis if they decided not to pursue a friendship? When you ask how do you know if someone is on the same page … you read how much reciprocation you’re getting. It’s needs to be mutual and not you asking and asking and them feeling pressured to say yes. How long have you been friends? Maybe also they’re not really in the market for a friend and were just being friendly and that can be a very different thing.

OP, do you actually want to go on this walk yourself? I can't tell now. I thought you were just going for a walk with someone you are friendly with for a chat, exercise and fresh air. I don't understand how this could be 'flogging a dead horse'. Surely a walk is fun for both parties.

I can't see any posters being harsh in their views-I think they just see things differently. I'm sure pp motivation in adding to this thread was to reassure you that there has been no slight here. Your friend sounds keen to walk: she has agreed to come. Every post I have read sounds like they want the best for you.

I replied because I think it would be a shame if you cancelled this walk due to a lack of additional messaging on your friend's side.

Personally, I don't ever keep score of who is messaging who or making plans. Some people are really busy/distracted/disorganised. It doesn't matter who invites and who responds. As long as you enjoy each other's company, keep hanging out even if you do all the suggesting.

Sounds like you like her more than she likes you. I have had this before but certainly not with everyone. In the end I stopped contacting the person - if she couldn't really be arsed then neither could I.

I think this is fine, but not great. It sounds like she's busier or less interested than you and hasn't a lot of time for friendship with you, but she's meeting up with you and you seem to enjoy each other's company so why not just let that be enough? Don't put all your eggs in one basket and cultivate other friendships; this person is not your bestie or soulmate but that's ok, not every friend has to be.

You suggested a walk. They agreed. You gave a time and location. They agreed (gave a thumbs up). The walk is arranged and your friend has done absolutely nothing wrong.

I (and most people, I imagine) wouldn’t require or expect anything further. It’s a walk, all you need is a place and time and agreement that that works. I’m not at all sure what else you were hoping for in this situation and I very much doubt that your friend would even consider that you are waiting for anything more from them.

You say that you over think things and struggle to maintain friendships, I think perhaps this is an example of why. What was / is it you were expecting beyond a confirmation that they would come and that the time works? Were you hoping for more excitement from their response? Because with a text you have very little way of knowing what they are thinking, and just need to assume that if someone agrees to meeting up then they do so because they like the idea. If you were then expecting excited follow up texts saying how much they’re looking forward to the walk, asking you what footwear might be reasonable, talking about what wildlife you might spot, or suggesting that they bring a flask of hot chocolate along, then all those things would be way beyond ordinary expectation for what is just an afternoon walk. Before a weekend away perhaps, but even then it wouldn’t be expected. Any expectation of follow up messages after an agreement to place and time is on you and beyond ordinary expectation or normal friendly response to this situation.

If they thumbed up the message that is a yes - they are agreeing to it! You are way overthinking this!
My ‘bestie’ is terrible at texting. I get one word short responses. She just isn’t into texting. My own DD hates it too.

The comment about “ no other plans then” very offputting. I’m surprised you didn’t put it in your first post , you would have different replies I think if you had said that

like she’s doing you a favour by going for a walk with you!

I don’t bother with people who are as low effort as the thumbs up possible walking friend. Perhaps it’s because I’m from a generation that could be bothered to type “See you at 12, looking forward to a catchup” instead of pressing an emoji. We’re all different.

I don’t understand what’s going on here! You’ve arranged a walk, set a time and place she’s agreed to (that’s what the thumbs up means!), it just seems like a totally normal communication? Some people just approach texting etc differently. I have some ‘thumbs up’ friends and some ‘will send a whole paragraph in reply’ friends. All lovely people!

What?

I thumb up friends/family…I’ve agreed to
what ever they’ve said, job done!

I think in OPs as in’s post they mention that the friend initially said “no other plans then?” And OP is feeling their enthusiasm and energy isn’t being matched in general and that they’ve had that problem throughout their life with friendships

I read this in a different way (though agree it could be significant). It looked to me like the friend thinks OP only asks her to do stuff when she’s at a loose end rather than as a priority.

It reads the other way to me - that the other person is thinking that OP only contacted them because they have no other plans.

I think the messaging itself is fine though. I wouldn't be doing more than making arrangements with someone I saw last week and will see again in a day or two.

I’m 61. I’d do a thumbs up to that as would my friends. OP has given place and time, why would you reply repeating that? Actually, I might put ok if responding to a younger person because I’m aware the thumbs up can be taken as critical/passive aggressive by younger generations. But I wouldn’t write more. I don’t think a casual arrangement needs effort full replies.

But "see you at 12, looking forward to a catchup" adds precisely nothing to the conversation that the emoji doesn't.

It would be dreadfully sad, surely, to throw away friendships because your texting etiquette is slightly different to someone else’s?! I mean, presumably, based upon your view of things, someone would be equally justified in dropping you as a friend because you didn’t bother to put a full stop at the end of your text?