AIBU to feel uneasy about a teacher commenting on my daughter's eyes?

[Kickinthenostalgia]

For context dd14 is in year 9, she’s very much all for her friends, always stuck in the middle, never starts arguments, she’s never in trouble, never had detention, most of the teachers love her, although she has a few boy best friends she’s not really into relationships just yet. Got a call today from the school, immediately my backs up because usually the only time they call me is when she’s in the medical room. No it’s a teacher singing DD’s praises, saying how she’s a pleasure to teach, etc etc. he mentioned he’s a new teacher at the school and as a father didn’t get feedback for his daughter who has just left so wanted to do it for his promising students.
so I was just talking to my mum about it, and she said to me is that the same teacher that told dd she had really nice eyes.
of course I’m like what you talking about, she never said anything. I laughed it off at first but the more I think about it, it’s a bit creepy. No? My mum defo wasn’t impressed and I’m surprised dd didn’t tell me considering she tells me everytime a teacher so much as shouts at her class. Obviously I don’t know the full story as she’s at school. I know I’ll need to keep an eye on this. I don’t know who it is, but just a bit surprised. I’m not being unreasonable to think this is slightly creepy right?

It does sound creepy.

It's odd that he phoned you to sing your DD's praises. Teachers don't usually do that.

Complimenting her physically and trying to get in your good books makes this look like the start of potential grooming.

I wouldn't use that word, but I would report the inappropriate comment to the school after checking the story with DD.

You'd be unreasonable to jumping to any conclusion without hearing from your DD, without your DM present.

If the teacher really did say this and it wasn't in some flippant context (e.g. you've all got lovely eyes but stop staring at them in your phone cameras because the lesson is starting) then yes, it's inappropriate.

Also, you don't know who the teacher is? Didn't they introduce themselves by name on the phone? Or do you mean you don't know the teacher who allegedly made this comment to your DD?

The think is I don’t know if it’s the same teacher, I need to find out from dd, but it’s just a bit strange he did call, and then my mum told me that… I could be putting 2 & 2 together and coming up with 5 but it’s just something doesn’t sit right

Yeah I don’t know if it’s the same teacher, my mum just asked if it was, but obviously not knowing about the eye situation I have no idea.

You need to wait until your DD gets home and ask her first if what your DM said really happened, and then if it's the same teacher.

I'm never truly surprised by how weird and inappropriate some people can be but it does strike me as strange that a teacher being inappropriate with your DD is calling parental attention to that, and that your DD who tells you everything didn't mention a teacher saying she had "nice eyes" in a way that was inappropriate. And that your DM didn't mention this before! My guess is you'll find some crossed wires somewhere.

I've done it a few times. I did permeant supply so every new class I had 'characters' taking up all the time.

I've called parents to say, "I know X is not getting much attention in class but I have noticed her working and hopefully things will quieten down in a week or so"

Just for a little context, I did sometimes phone parents if a pupil had a really good day, or did well with something in class. I always thought that parents shouldn’t only hear from me if there was something wrong. However , that was primary, so maybe a little different and I never commented on a persons physical appearance.

Not creepy at all in a normal context.
we are told to do a positive phone call home every week.

I would definitely check it out with your daughter as the eyes comment does sound inappropriate or at least a bit odd.

An occasional ‘good’ phone call is fine but that would usually be from a pastoral type teacher like a head of year. Also it depends on the school’s rewards system. Usually a pupil’s efforts would be rewarded by house points or a certificate so teachers don’t actually have to ring individual parents.

Very creepy and inappropriate. No teacher should make personal remarks about a student. I would report him.

The call is lovely.

Find out about the compliment as that’s generally inappropriate but you don’t know if it was even him yet.

I've worked in a PRU and would often phone parents to say their child had worked really well today, produced a good piece of work or been k8nd and helpful etc. Otherwise parents only hear from you when their child is in trouble! Not sure about the nice eyes comment, I'd want to know the context. Don't work yourself up into a lather overthinking it, just wait til your daughter comes home and ask her!

I agree you definitely need to find out first if it's the same teacher, but if it is my spidey senses would be jangling on this

Not true at all. I have had several calls from teachers telling me how great DS is doing in various subjects.

Calling you to sing her praises isn’t unusual or an issue. I had this a few times with DC in secondary from different subject teachers, also had postcards sent a couple of times congratulating them on excellent scores etc. It’s a lovely thing to do.

The eye compliment is weird, I agree. Have you confirmed this with DD?

I've had a teacher phone me to sing DS's praises. After a difficult patch she thought it would be nice for me to hear something really positive. She was proud of him and wanted to share.

Yes, they do.

Honestly? My first instinct would be to check with your DD about this compliment because that’s an odd thing for one mum to remark to another about in the context of you talking about a call home to say she’s doing well at school.

Just to clarify, I have no idea if the teacher calling me was the same teacher that mentioned DD’s eyes, it is odd from the school to call and praise, usually they send a little postcard home, have done since my sister was there and my son after. Although he mentioned he was new and so maybe that’s how he does things, he sounded genuinely nice.
I won’t know which teacher made the weird comment until dd arrives home at 3.30.

Find out if he did tell her she has lovely eyes. That is a bit creepy coming from her teacher.

Ive often had calls home to tell me my children have worked really hard at school. I don’t think that’s weird, the eye comment is.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne I once got a phone call singing DS’s praises, in year 9 too I think. I thought it was unusual, but on further reading of the school website, it seems it was part of a range of rewards - house points, double house points, permit to jump queue at lunch, phone call the parents, mention in assembly etc.

Yes it’s totally normal and common practice in secondary school. I have 3 teens and it’s happened various times from lots of different subject teachers. That part isn’t weird but the eye comment is.

I think there's enough there that it's worth finding out the full story, even mentioning it to the school. They won't "do" anything, but it will be logged as part of a pattern if there are other concerns.