AIBU to feel uneasy about a teacher commenting on my daughter's eyes?

[Kickinthenostalgia]

For context dd14 is in year 9, she’s very much all for her friends, always stuck in the middle, never starts arguments, she’s never in trouble, never had detention, most of the teachers love her, although she has a few boy best friends she’s not really into relationships just yet. Got a call today from the school, immediately my backs up because usually the only time they call me is when she’s in the medical room. No it’s a teacher singing DD’s praises, saying how she’s a pleasure to teach, etc etc. he mentioned he’s a new teacher at the school and as a father didn’t get feedback for his daughter who has just left so wanted to do it for his promising students.
so I was just talking to my mum about it, and she said to me is that the same teacher that told dd she had really nice eyes.
of course I’m like what you talking about, she never said anything. I laughed it off at first but the more I think about it, it’s a bit creepy. No? My mum defo wasn’t impressed and I’m surprised dd didn’t tell me considering she tells me everytime a teacher so much as shouts at her class. Obviously I don’t know the full story as she’s at school. I know I’ll need to keep an eye on this. I don’t know who it is, but just a bit surprised. I’m not being unreasonable to think this is slightly creepy right?

That’s not true. When my children were at secondary school, I occasionally had teachers call me to say how impressed they were with a certain piece of work or engagement in lessons etc.

I’m not sure I’d jump to conclusions re the comment about your daughter’s eyes either. Certainly not before you’ve heard what context it was said in and who said it.

I think this could just be a young and (over) enthusiastic, teacher.

I would first of all ask your daughter about this to get the context. Once you have done that, then you can decide whether you need to have a chat with the teacher about it so he knows it was a little too much and inappropriate.

Someone will be along in a few minutes to advise you to call Social Services, the Police, Coastguard, The Pope and Donald Trump. Speak to your daughter first. Then decide.

They do at my grandsons' secondary school.

Is this a new thing, positive phone calls? It certainly didn't happen when I was at secondary: phone calls home usually meant very bad news.

(As an aside, this reminds me of poor old Harry Potter, hearing again and again "you look so much like your father, but you have your mother's eyes".)

Secondary school teacher here. The phone call is not alarming in itself. I have at various times made ‘good news’ phone calls home to praise students doing particularly well, or making a big improvement from previous behaviour issues etc. Good teachers do this, but it’s very time-consuming, so many teachers just don’t. I would hope he was ringing several parents/carers to do the same, and not just singling out your daughter.

As for the eyes comment - I wouldn’t consider it appropriate for a male teacher to comment on a girl’s appearance in any way. Even as a female teacher, I would be very wary of doing this, and can’t think of a time in over 20 years that I have. Funnily enough, I have very green eyes, which girls often commented on, “Oh Miss, you’ve got lovely eyes!”, and that used to make me feel uncomfortable. So from an adult to a child, I’d definitely find that a bit odd.

However, you need to find out from
your daughter exactly what was said and in what context. Also, why did she mention it to your mother but not to you?

This.

totally inappropriate.

raise it will the school

The eye comment is quite out of order for a teacher.

I’ve worked at schools that have mandated parent phone calls to praise student work/behaviour/effort. It’s funny because the parent obviously thinks that something has gone terribly wrong at school, and are often just annoyed that you’ve bothered them at work to tell them that Jonny did a great job with his handwriting today.

I prefer my current school’s system, where we nominate 3 students a week and a report + award is sent home. Phone calls home are saved for serious incidents or repeated negative behaviours.

Check the ‘lovely eyes’ comment with your DD. It may have been said in jest, it may have been a different teacher, or it may be cause for concern. Check if your DD felt uncomfortable.

Your right, some people go right overboard 😅 I’m not one to go storming to the school over everything, obviously context is everything. I’ll see how she felt about it and if anything else has been said she wasn’t comfortable with. She’s got a pretty good sense of humour so doesn’t usually take things to heart, the fact that she’s not mentioned it to me makes me think she’s not all that bothered, and just remembered and told my mum when they were most likely non stop chatting like usual in the morning.

I’ve had calls from my daughters head of year (male, if relevant) before to praise her work or behaviour when she’s gone above or beyond and he wanted to let me know and encourage her. I thought it was lovely. However it would be strange to me if him or another teacher made a comment on physical features like her having nice eyes. That’s a big weird and overstepping. I’d speak to your daughter to see what the context was and if it made her feel uncomfortable

I sometimes had letters from DS’s teachers, singing his praises. But parents weren’t as accessible by phone years ago ( DS is 36).
So I don’t think the contact is unusual.
The eye comment is certainly inappropriate though.

Honestly I think the postcard is creepy too. A teacher shouldn’t be sharing even the slightest info about his life & family. Are you a single mum by any chance? Have you ever seen Lolita? He’s ingratiating himself with you.

Phoning with good comments about a child's behaviour, effort or attainment is starting to become a bit of a thing now in education. Commenting on physical looks seems a little odd, but you need to find out the full details just to be sure.

All you can do is get the details, OP, and it's likely nothing to worry about, but YANBU to be uneasy and want to check.

Tangentially – actually calling parents just to tell them that their child behaved or achieved well is a thing in the UK? Do you not do certificates during assembly?

Positive phone calls are one of the many things schools do now including certificates in assembly.

I’m not a single mum no, no way for him to know that, he’s a brand new teacher at the school. He didn’t send a postcard, I was saying that’s what they did to praise the kids, send either them home with it, or post it to us, never did the phone calls before. We know 90% of the teachers there because both my sister and my son have attended and we had quite close contact with the school as DS has autism and spent a lot of time in the SeN department. Calling up to praise was a bit surprising as it’s not really how they used to operate.

@scoobysnaxx before she’s even asked her daughter about it?

As a subject teacher I used to phone students’ parents with good news- it’s what we did in our department so just because you’ve not come across it doesn’t make it weird. He’s come from a different school and that’s how they did it there presumably.

Be careful jumping to conclusions because lazy accusations can end a good teacher’s career and life. (Not saying you’ve done this but just be careful).

However, if a teacher did comment on your child’s eyes (whether this man or someone else) that needs to be looked into. More clarification needed from your DD first of all as to whom, when, where and context. Then depending on her response it could need a complaint raised formally.

Christ, what a palaver for the teachers. Do they have to do it for a certain number of students each week? Is it one of those 'every student needs a phone call at least once each term, so you just have to find something nice to say'? Would emails not be more sensible? That's fascinating, though.

I’m baffled at the outrage on here.

1. Teacher calls to say child did well - perfectly normal, and could be a new strategy just introduced by the school.
2. sending a “well done” post card home - again, perfectly normal.
3. Saying a pupil has nice eyes - not normal, but at the moment we don’t even know if it happened.

Meanwhile, some posters on here seem to want the new teacher strung up for being an obvious paedophile!

He's grooming her. Is he a PE teacher? They're the worst

Creepy. Yanbu.

Agree with everyone else.

Schools phoning parents with a 'good news' call is perfectly normal, and one of those things that comes in and out of fashion in education. Perfectly normal for schools to go through phases when staff are made to do this, and also perfectly normal for individual teachers to just realise it can be a nice thing to do.

What your mother told you - I'd want to hear from dd what the context was.

I'm inclined to think it's crossed wires/a mishearing about the eyes comment, seeing as your usually communicative DD hasn't mentioned it and your mum has only told you about it now.
But you obviously need to talk to your DD to get to the bottom of it.

I know , it’s ridiculous.