AIBU to feel uneasy about a teacher commenting on my daughter's eyes?

[Kickinthenostalgia]

For context dd14 is in year 9, she’s very much all for her friends, always stuck in the middle, never starts arguments, she’s never in trouble, never had detention, most of the teachers love her, although she has a few boy best friends she’s not really into relationships just yet. Got a call today from the school, immediately my backs up because usually the only time they call me is when she’s in the medical room. No it’s a teacher singing DD’s praises, saying how she’s a pleasure to teach, etc etc. he mentioned he’s a new teacher at the school and as a father didn’t get feedback for his daughter who has just left so wanted to do it for his promising students.
so I was just talking to my mum about it, and she said to me is that the same teacher that told dd she had really nice eyes.
of course I’m like what you talking about, she never said anything. I laughed it off at first but the more I think about it, it’s a bit creepy. No? My mum defo wasn’t impressed and I’m surprised dd didn’t tell me considering she tells me everytime a teacher so much as shouts at her class. Obviously I don’t know the full story as she’s at school. I know I’ll need to keep an eye on this. I don’t know who it is, but just a bit surprised. I’m not being unreasonable to think this is slightly creepy right?

Teachers are encouraged to do this at DHs school. They also send postcards. He actually really loves this part of the job, especially if it's calling about a student who has put in a lot of work and really improved.

How did your mum meet a secondary school child's teacher?

Yes, that's what happened with us.

I had the same from a metalwork teacher about my eyes. Back then nobody thought anything of it, todays standards, no it's not a great thing to hear and I would be concerned too. See what your daughter says?

Being a good student, whatever, yeah, that's normal teacher feedback. I wouldn't worry massively right now, but just make sure your daughter is always aware of anything untoward from boys/men, she probably should if doesn't already.

I had a male teacher comment on my eyes in a class with other kids in when i was a teenager .
He wasn't in the slightest bit sleazy, just a nice man and i had the usual teenage girl radar for sleazy perv teachers !
So perhaps the teacher shouldn't have commented but i wouldn't always jump to the conclusion that they are dodgy.

I loved making positive phone calls. Always did a few on a Friday to finish the week on a high in mainstream, and in Alternative Provision even more often.

On the other hand, if I overheard a similar comment by a member of staff in school, I'd report as a low level concern.

My daughters headteacher told her she was so beautiful (in front of me and her dad) Female headteacher. Just took it as a compliment, but I would have felt differently if it was a man.

To be fair, it's the sort of thing I might say if we were discussing something like eye colours, which do get taught in primary as kind of a basic biology lesson. I can see a situation where I might say You've got lovely eyes, Alice, such a nice colour, or something of the sort.

In their own personal time? And is it considered acceptable to comment on things like the attractiveness of a child's eyes? Obviously I know many teachers really do care about their pupils and that's great but this sounds a bit more than that.

Haven't you been warned against that in your training?

And so far we don't know if the person making the comment about the daughter's eyes is one and the same as the teacher who rang up to give praise.

True

What needs reporting? Op has no idea what, if anything, has happened

Report

You don't need evidence to report a concern. It's just that, a concern. It's someone else's job to investigate, if it's deemed necessary, which it wouldn't be if this is a one off, but might be if there are others.

Who, to whom and why, on the basis of the information we all have in front of us at this moment?

Yes, that's right

Taken in isolation, the two points can be explained away however with grooming, what you need to look out for is a pattern of behaviour. Rather than asking your DD directly about the eye comment, it might be better for you to understand first whether he has sought and/or gained access to her one-to-one for any reason, and whether (as a PP mentioned) he's starting to single her out in any way. If she is (God forbid) in the early stages of being groomed, she may not be totally upfront with you, hence not mentioning the comment to you and only to her nan. Sometimes a charming young teacher is just that, and sometimes it's a wolf in sheep's clothing. When it's the latter, it's really hard for a parent to spot the actual red flags and those people (because it's not just male teachers) know what they're doing.

Former secondary teacher here. Teachers do often call parents to inform them of positive things that their children have done.

Yes they do. In our school, we are timetabled 15 minutes each week to make at least one positive phonecall home.

Before making such comments about grooming, wouldn't it be better to know exactly what comment was made to the DD about her eyes and whether, if it was indeed inappropriate, it was made by the same teacher who rang to praise the DD, which is apparently now a usual thing for secondary school teachers to do?

The teacher was extremely inappropriate in mentioning her daughter's eyes. That is not acceptable behaviour and should be called out. The OP should trust her gut on this one.

She could be being groomed. Always better to err on the side of caution. Especially as teachers sometimes work as tutors as well on a one to one basis.

Like I said, it's much more important to understand whether there is a pattern here. I'm not worried about the phone call on its own but phone call to the mum + physical compliments that are kept more or less 'secret' - that warrants paying attention to. The reason I'm saying this is because apparently only the grandmother was told. If the comment was not innocent, asking upfront may not help as much as you think because of the way grooming works. Don't ask me how I know these things but I really do. Grooming is a destructive devious behaviour which is much more widespread than you'd think. Kids who are being groomed will very often deny it. Hence why it's much more relevant to establish exactly how OP's DD interacts with her teachers and whether one of them is singling her out (by making her feel 'special' and by spending increasing amounts of time one to one)

Not appropriate and he should know this

Yes, but the pattern could be that he's doing this with multiple children. It could (probably is) be nothing to worry about, but should be logged so that any pattern forming will show up.