AIBU to feel uneasy about a teacher commenting on my daughter's eyes?

[Kickinthenostalgia]

For context dd14 is in year 9, she’s very much all for her friends, always stuck in the middle, never starts arguments, she’s never in trouble, never had detention, most of the teachers love her, although she has a few boy best friends she’s not really into relationships just yet. Got a call today from the school, immediately my backs up because usually the only time they call me is when she’s in the medical room. No it’s a teacher singing DD’s praises, saying how she’s a pleasure to teach, etc etc. he mentioned he’s a new teacher at the school and as a father didn’t get feedback for his daughter who has just left so wanted to do it for his promising students.
so I was just talking to my mum about it, and she said to me is that the same teacher that told dd she had really nice eyes.
of course I’m like what you talking about, she never said anything. I laughed it off at first but the more I think about it, it’s a bit creepy. No? My mum defo wasn’t impressed and I’m surprised dd didn’t tell me considering she tells me everytime a teacher so much as shouts at her class. Obviously I don’t know the full story as she’s at school. I know I’ll need to keep an eye on this. I don’t know who it is, but just a bit surprised. I’m not being unreasonable to think this is slightly creepy right?

Teachers always make phone calls home to praise students

As a teacher, yes, we do....often.

I wouldn’t jump to conclusions, but definitely keep an eye on it! I remember my third-grade teacher bursting into the girls’ bathroom during shower time on a residential trip with his camera. He made it into a game, and we all thought it was hilarious.
What a creep.

My cousin sadly just got married to the high school teacher that groomed her!

these things happen

Is it still considered that if they got married when she was older?

Maybe Ricky Gervais was right and some men "pre-order".

I often compliment children on various things clothes, hair etc. It makes them feel good. Maybe your daughter does have beautiful eyes and that poor teacher said it out loud without remembering he was in 2026 when every single compliment means he's about to start grooming her.

I wonder if it's worth letting the designated safeguarding lead know about the eye comment. If this teacher has made other comments to other children it may build a bigger picture. If all parents just brush it off that picture might never been seen, and something untoward may get missed. If this was just a one off random comment, inappropriate or not, the school and the teacher will not have anything to worry about. I'm an early years teacher, and so I don't have any experience of secondary school interactions other than my own, but at my primary school we are told in safeguarding training by our DSL that even if it seems a small thing, put it on CPOMS as she is the one who has to make those decisions, not us.

The ‘eyes’ comment does sound a bit creepy, yes. Phoning home to share positive comments is not creepy, and is something I used to do as a teacher, when I realised that the only time I was phoning parents was to impart something negative. I wanted to ensure that I balanced my parental contact time. Additionally, it made me end my day on a positive note! I would firstly find out if it’s the same member of staff, then monitor for a month.

He’s mentioned it before and she felt uncomfortable enough to joke to her friend before the lesson about hoping he didn’t mention her eyes again. I think this is really, really wrong and I highly recommend you report it to the school and ask them to put it on record so that if similar incidents have happened before or since, they can spot the pattern. Ask her to tell you if he mentions it again. I know it’s difficult and you don’t want to overreact but his behaviour absolutely screams “grooming”.

The teacher who called the mum to talk about her daughter doing well and the teacher who complimented the daughter’s eyes are different teachers. The eye one is definitely a massive red flag. He hasn’t said anything to the mum and has actually complimented her daughter’s eyes more than once! And not in front of her mum.

For the sake of clarity: The praising teacher is not the same as the eye-complimenting teacher. Teachers are apparently encouraged, these days, to call and/or send postcards to pupils' parents to tell them when their children are doing well. This is clearly school policy and not a safeguarding issue. The person commenting on lovely eyes (just the once) may or may not be problematic, that is yet to be ascertained. The OP is wisely going to be keeping an eye (oh yes) on things.

I just wonder how the DSLs across the country will cope given that people are suggesting the eye comment is a “major red flag” - I would imagine that there are about 30 similar comments by every teacher at least every day. Totally over the top.

I’ve been a teacher for six years and have never had safeguarding training tell me to not comment on students’ appearance 🙄 in fact in my training year I was told that I SHOULD compliment students to try and build relationships with them. I’d be interested to know what the behaviour is like at your DD’s school. It’s a common behaviour management strategy to make positive phone calls. Eg “I’m making two positive phone calls home this week, I’m looking to see who deserves it the most.” The fact you’ve had two suggests there may be behaviour issues and this is being pushed as a way teachers can try to improve this. Same with building relationships, it can minimise poor behaviour. Especially if someone is a new teacher, they’ll be getting the brunt of the behaviour as kids try to push their buttons. Just last week I was given tips on things to say to students to make conversation with them and show that I’m taking an interest in them. I’d check in with your DD about how her lessons are with this teacher that complimented her to check nothing else strange happens, but I do despair at the witch-hunt attitude sparked here.

It probably would have been better if you discussed this with DD before starting the thread.

I would not report , but I would ring school and ask to speak to the safeguarding head. Say that you are “not going to name the specific teacher, but is it a school protocol to call home to praise a child”. Dependent on the response you know if to take it further.

I would expect what the teacher said to OP to be said at a parents’ meeting. It is sad but in 2026, random calls sound creepy (unless it is school policy then fine).

OP I would not quite consider this a red flag - maybe just a red pennant.

Edited: after hearing what other schools do maybe I cannot compare what happened in my kids schools in the 90s

which is exactly why he did it…just as he said, if you actually read it

and this is why schools are losing the most caring teachers

The UK has gone mad if a teacher phoning home to praise a child is now seen as a safeguarding issue. Obviously because it was a male teacher he has designs on the OPs child and that is the sole reason he entered the teaching profession.

This exact thing went on at my secondary school. Male teachers coming into showers, with a camcorder, or hanging around the swimming pool on residential trips with a camera. Coming into rooms on residential trips for surprise “room inspections” and staying too long “chatting”. One of those men has now pleaded guilty to crimes against a 9 year old and possessing thousands of CSA images. It is disgusting that this kind of thing is shrugged off. I can only imagine how you feel having someone like this now married into your family.

Completely off thread, but I now have a craving for salt and vinegar chipsticks.

teacher here - it’s not true that teachers don’t ring home to praise students. It’s increasingly becoming something we do to encourage students, praise the quiet ones - in the trade called “ghost children” and build up rapport . At my school ( 1700) kids we are told to ring atleast one parent a week and email another with good news

Exactly...Reading and comprehending is not very common for a lot of these commenters. OP stated she didn't know if it's the same teacher. Yet most comment ready for blood from the one teacher who called and the grandmother's comment/question.😫

Has anyone else with a daughter had a phone call from a teacher at the school giving a report on their qualities? If no, then I'd keep a watch on situation. As fir the lovely eyes comment unless yoh know the context of why it was said you'd be struggling to make anything of it.

It sounds like a teacher who is naive at best. There is a lot of Safeguarding training which is compulsory in order to be able to teach.Either this teacher is ignoring the training or is just not taking in how important it is.....

Lot of judgement here re this teacher. Not good. Not kind.
Have worked as teacher myself and look - maybe he got the words wrong? Yes it's a bit strange to comment on eyes -but there may be nothing more to it.
Blame and shame culture really is out of control imo.
My suggestion would be to leave it for now.
If any more comments are made re your daughter's appearance that's different and then you may need to pursue the matter.
But please let's not talk re 'grooming' yet as one comment did.
There are real cases of abuse out there and that's where attention should be focused.