Kids birthday party aibu

[DippyDo3]

I organised a party for my child a while back. My childs school is a small class with a mix of children. I asked my child who they wanted to invite, they also attend out of school activities and have friends from these activities. Numbers for the party were limited and the party involved a coach for 2 hours for a particular sport. My child picked 10 out of 14 children from school and some from different classes as they play with their older siblings friends too and some children from the out of school activites. Invites were sent to parents individually. Ive since found out that one of the mums of a child in the school class who wasn’t invited has made a social media post on her work page stating her child was the only child left out of a party and she is devastated that an adult would be so cruel. Her child has SEN and hurts not only my child but other children in the class and uses foul language to call them names. My children are taught to be kind to all children especially children that may be struggling or need extra support. However it was my child's decision who they wanted to invite based on who they are friends with as they couldn't pick everyone. I appreciate it is never nice to learn your child hasn’t been invited but this particular child wasn't singled out as the only child there was others in the class my child chose not to invite based on their friendships. Its always awkward when numbers are limited. Had it been at soft play with high numbers everyone would have been invited but my child wanted this particular party.
Seeing the social media post has shocked me as to comments on there are pretty vile given the facts of the story were false, im wondering AIBU or has the mother been upset and used her anger and her child with SEN for attention and social media likes.

Child should invite who they want. This whole class stuff is modern rubbish. 25 years ago no one did this unless they were rich. It’s not necessary. I would have invited 8 though. That would leave out 6 so nearly even numbers. Why do people have to dictate who gets invited to a party?

Leaving out just 4 children in the class was cruel.

I don’t think anyone would expect you to invite that child to the party given the way your child feels about them and the history. However the way you went about that was not kind and doesn’t set a good example in my opinion. Inviting a select few was the only real option. Half the class maximum.

OP I'm not going to tell you that you were wrong to do this but the reality is this sort of thing tends to go down badly. It's up you if you're ok with it and can brazen out the backlash.

Always been whole class, and never heard of coach rides to party. You're of course free to choose, but you asked about what's generally considered reasonable, and it's all kids somewhere local for young ones.

I don't think YABU to not invite someone who hurts your child, but I do feel sorry for the other three in the class who aren't invited. It's hard to be left out when everyone else is excited for a party.

I actually think leaving a bully out is fair enough but what about the other 3 kids? I really think you stick to half or less of the class or just invite everyone. Very awkward to have a class of 14.

I'm assuming everyone getting angry with OP about this have very young children because once the boys hit the expensive activity stage and the girls the sleepover stage I'm afraid you are firmly in the World of not being able to invite the whole class!

Whole class parties are lovely when the kids are very small and enjoy a village hall vibes disco/pizza/pass-the-parcel fest but when it's 30 quid a head for go-carting or sleeping bags all over the floor and movies all night it's simply impossible to invite everyone!

The girls and boys tend to naturally separate off once you hit 10ish. They just don't enjoy the same things any more.

Whole class parties aren't forever. It just wouldn't work for all.

Why should girls invite boys that have a past history of hurting them, to their parties?

Why should any child be expected to tolerate disruptive or harmful behaviour from any child, regardless of whether they are SEND or not? They have to tolerate it at school, why should they tolerate it at their birthday celebration? The SEND may be the underlying reason for the behaviour but it does not excuse it. All children have a fundamental right to be safe and free from harm and distress.

I think leaving out 4 of 15 sounds worse than leaving out 8 kids out of a class of 30.

In that class, yes. But this post would have spread far and wide.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. It’s your son’s birthday party, not a huge social event. My son (now adult) is SEN and I used to be relieved if he wasn’t invited as I would have to go with him and spend 2 hours saying ‘don’t do that’ ‘come down’ ‘sit down’ etc. He did get invites to some but the invites were given to me and he had no awareness of who was having parties. When he had a party I didn’t invite all the class - just the ones who played with him. It’s a useful life lesson for kids to learn that they can’t have everything. Actually it’s probably the parents who are more offended

Poster was making it out to be.

It’s the general rule invite all or invite less than half? Inviting nearly all the class and leaving out the child with SEN doesn’t reflect well on you and while you’re entitled to do what you want you can’t blame people for having opinions about your decisions or you.

Can’t judge every school
on your own experience … it’s one in thousands

Unfair or not, this is life. Ignore her goading bullshit posts and do whatever your kid wants to do. If he doesn't like someone he doesn't have to invite them, especially if it will mean you have to pay for someone to come to the party only to cause disruption and upset everyone.

They left 4 children out of 14. Not just one.

Exactly, try to force an 11-14-15 year old to invite someone they dont like!

It's a hard one to navigate. In my child's school they have to invite the whole class. My son is technically in an SEN class but attends mainstream for 80 percent of the day. Hes never been invited to any party from either class. The SEN students don't have parties because its too stressful for the familes and he's not full time in the other class so he doesn't have to be invited. I do find it hard at times but my son is very understanding about it.

Leaving just 4 out was a bit of a dick move IMO. Friends of siblings? When numbers were restricted? You made that decision, now you have to live with the consequences.

YANBU.

OP said "Her child has SEN and hurts not only my child but other children in the class and uses foul language to call them names. "

SEN doesn't it make it ok for OP's child to be hurt at school. As an adult I wouldn't be inviting anyone that hits me, so why is it ok to force that on a kid. If others want to sacrifice their kids safety to virtue signal that's their choice, but doesn't make OP a bad person.

How can the school dictate how many have to be invited, unless they’re paying and organising the party for each child? My DD is SEN and does not enjoy big whole class parties, there’s no way I’d be organising one for her. She also wouldn’t invite anyone who was hurting her or not being nice to her and I wouldn’t make her.

I aqree.

Inviting 10 and leaving out just 4 was unkind op.

What did you think was the decent place to stop? Just one left out?

It is silly saying you teach your dc to be kind and then let them do this.

I think YABVU.

Of course she didn't have to invite someone she didn't want.

But that impacts how far you can go in asking the others. On your reasoning it is fine to ostracise one child.

Exactly this!
your child can invite who they like, and if even just one isn’t because they are nasty to your child (SEN of not) that is also fair enough!
writing a post about it on social media is nuts.

Which is why by that age parties tend to be a handful of attendees only.

Even with adults it would be bad form with, say, a book group or office colleagues, to invite most and exclude a few you don't like.