Kids birthday party aibu

[DippyDo3]

I organised a party for my child a while back. My childs school is a small class with a mix of children. I asked my child who they wanted to invite, they also attend out of school activities and have friends from these activities. Numbers for the party were limited and the party involved a coach for 2 hours for a particular sport. My child picked 10 out of 14 children from school and some from different classes as they play with their older siblings friends too and some children from the out of school activites. Invites were sent to parents individually. Ive since found out that one of the mums of a child in the school class who wasn’t invited has made a social media post on her work page stating her child was the only child left out of a party and she is devastated that an adult would be so cruel. Her child has SEN and hurts not only my child but other children in the class and uses foul language to call them names. My children are taught to be kind to all children especially children that may be struggling or need extra support. However it was my child's decision who they wanted to invite based on who they are friends with as they couldn't pick everyone. I appreciate it is never nice to learn your child hasn’t been invited but this particular child wasn't singled out as the only child there was others in the class my child chose not to invite based on their friendships. Its always awkward when numbers are limited. Had it been at soft play with high numbers everyone would have been invited but my child wanted this particular party.
Seeing the social media post has shocked me as to comments on there are pretty vile given the facts of the story were false, im wondering AIBU or has the mother been upset and used her anger and her child with SEN for attention and social media likes.

As I said, IME they haven't done anything. Of course I complained when my son was coming home with bite marks deep enough that you could count the teeth that made contact on his skin. Or when he was punched in the gut. Or when a football bruised his back hard enough to wind him. Nothing gets done. Just empty promises to keep them as separate as possible and excusing the behaviour on SEN. Thing is, MY son is also SEN. But there's no bloody way he'd be getting away with behaviour like that, let alone me using it as a get out of jail free card.

That's nonsense. There is no 'general rule'. There are so many parties during the year. A child is invited to some, not to others. My daughters were in fairly small classes but only invited some from their own class, even in Reception. As I said in another post, I had to be confident that I could supervise them all (with other family members of course) but I did know them due to teaching in their school at the time. They weren't invited to every party, and I doubt that they were even aware of that!
I would never have left just one or two out, but 4 out of 14 wouldn't be a problem.
I'm with you OP!

Why on earth would anyone make their kids invite people that they don’t want! This is why we live in a society riddled with people with no back bone, they can still be polite and kind to them in school but if they only want certain people then that’s fine, kids need to know they can’t always be invited to everything they need to toughen up for growing up!

So the OPs child has to leave friends out of her party to make the SEN child feel better? FFS 🙄. Why does OPs child have to compromise at all??

Sorry OP but in this scenario you should just have had the 14 of the class plus sibling.

You admitted in your OP that you invited some of birthday childs siblings friends because they also play with them.... It's poor form to leave out a small number of kids from their class in favour of inviting siblings friends!!! It isnt siblings birthday. And friends from other activities/outside school you can easy keep separate and do something different with.

why are people saying the woman shouldn’t have posted about it on social media, assuming she didn’t name names? The OP is also posting about it on social media, without naming the woman in question, by starting this thread. As is everyone who is responding.

You didn’t do anything wrong. Children can’t be invited to all parties. That is life.

I wouldn’t make my child invite a child who has been horrible to them to their birthday party.

A full class party would be worse though because either way, the child hurting OP's child wouldn't have been invited.

How do you know she was talking about your kid's party?

Because the woman said her child was excluded because of their SEN. They weren't. They were excluded because OPs child didn't want someone at their party who is verbally and physical abusive towards them.

Since she said "In my experience" why do you think she hasn't said anything?

In my experience too, you can talk to the school about it and they will make sympathetic noises and they probably also talk to the child's parents and try to keep an eye on things, they might make sure your child doesn't sit next to the child that hurts them, but they don't have the resources to stop it properly and they can't exclude the child so it just keeps going on unless injuries become serious.

I definitely wouldn't leave 4 out, 10 yes but not that little
It's very cruel to exclude young children imo
There's a boy in my dcs class who always causes trouble but I think it would do more harm to exclude him. Often they are the children who need more inclusion/kindness.
I always either invite the whole class or all the girls for my dd / all the boys in ds class.

I really hope you didn’t write the invitations @DippyDo3 - no one would have had a clue the day, time or venue!

Personally in my opinion that was a bad move you invited 10 out of the 14 and one being SEN. Some posts ive read that they think the kids need to suck it up and realise they wont be invited to everything. In a roundabout kind of way I suppose they do but when there's 4 being singled out I think that just comes across as hurtful. Surprised you didn't think that yourself. You say one uses foul language and can be aggressive, that is something you need to take up with school if you fear for your child's saftey.. have a bit of compassion as a mother. Too many dicks in this world, dont add to it

So you left out four from the birthday child's class, but filled more spaces with children from their sibling's class?
Not really ok.

I'd comment on her post, I think.

Something like 'I do hope isn't my child's party this is in reference to. I tried to be clear that the chosen party activity had a limit of 15 children and with family/outside of school friends in attendance we simply could not invite everyone in the class. Please make sure your child is aware of this, if this is the case. I hate the thought of upsetting a child but obviously we also need to listen to our own children's wishes for their birthday parties'.

At the end of the day we have to prioritise our own kids, OP.

There wasn't enough room, regardless of the issues your child has with this classmate.

the level of entitlement is astonishing 😂

Not being invited to a party isn’t punishment.

10 out of 14 is pretty much the whole class. How would your child feel being one of the ones left out?

So, all the posters saying it's unfair and this particular child should have been invited .... really? Your child has been upset at school for months and wants their real friends at their party - be they classmates or not - but you insist on inviting a child that is potentially going to cause upset, hurt other children and spout disgusting language. I'd want my child to remember the party for the right reasons.

I don't quite agree with this as 10 for a party isn't unusual but 14 in a class is. 10 out of 30 will happen a lot in normal sized schools. Its not this mums fault it's not a normal sized class.

How would your child feel if they were forced to have someone at their party who hurts them and uses foul language?

Normal family:
Mum, I am not invited to x party, I am sad.
That's ok, they have limited places, invited their best friends, their mum made them invite back some others, they had their friends from football, no space. Next time, and on that day we do something else anyway. You can never invite everyone to your own parties either, it's fine.

Entitled CF
Mum, I am not invited to x party, I am sad.
Oh my god, you have been EXCLUDED! How dare they! You are ENTITLED to a party invitation, I am going to complain to the school, Ofsted, the Daily Mail and all the class whatsapp groups. Who are they to PUNISH you with exclusion and leaving you out, you should come before their own friends!

Who's causing distress here, not sure it's the birthday organiser 😂

Obviously mine wouldn’t have invited him either if he treated them like that. But I still don’t think it’s great for the class dynamic when only 4 kids are left out.

That sounds perfectly reasonable to me. The other mum is being very silly. I’d correct her and basically say a version of what you’ve said in this post - that you invited a limited number from class as had other children to invite. Make it clear that her child was not the only one not invited.

If she keeps raising the SEN, I’d be clear that the reason her child wasn’t invited was because they had hurt your child an upset them and so they didn’t want them at the party - which would have been the same whether they’d had SEN or not.