Kids birthday party aibu

[DippyDo3]

I organised a party for my child a while back. My childs school is a small class with a mix of children. I asked my child who they wanted to invite, they also attend out of school activities and have friends from these activities. Numbers for the party were limited and the party involved a coach for 2 hours for a particular sport. My child picked 10 out of 14 children from school and some from different classes as they play with their older siblings friends too and some children from the out of school activites. Invites were sent to parents individually. Ive since found out that one of the mums of a child in the school class who wasn’t invited has made a social media post on her work page stating her child was the only child left out of a party and she is devastated that an adult would be so cruel. Her child has SEN and hurts not only my child but other children in the class and uses foul language to call them names. My children are taught to be kind to all children especially children that may be struggling or need extra support. However it was my child's decision who they wanted to invite based on who they are friends with as they couldn't pick everyone. I appreciate it is never nice to learn your child hasn’t been invited but this particular child wasn't singled out as the only child there was others in the class my child chose not to invite based on their friendships. Its always awkward when numbers are limited. Had it been at soft play with high numbers everyone would have been invited but my child wanted this particular party.
Seeing the social media post has shocked me as to comments on there are pretty vile given the facts of the story were false, im wondering AIBU or has the mother been upset and used her anger and her child with SEN for attention and social media likes.

They 'have to invite the whole class'? What nonsense and how on earth can the school police such a silly rule?

There aren't any 'rules', for goodness sake. It's up to the child and his/her parents to invite whoever they like.

This is a massive drip feed!

10 out of 14 isn’t cool, though, and you need to guide your DC with this in mind next year.

This whole class requirement is ludicrous. In YR my DD was in a hen and chickens classroom with 60 dc. No way was a I having 60 or even 30! 15 tops and then 10 and then 4 for special treats when older. Teen parties got bigger but no way were dc invited mine didn’t like!

10/14 is just not wise, no matter how well-reasoned.

It is fairly crazy but very common in my area. They basically don't allow individual invites being sent in schoolbags or being handed out on school grounds. There's obviously ways around it but most of my friends with children stick to the rule!

I disagree, my child has been the one left out, although no sen (just stroppy) and in the minority too, it is really difficult and quite mean

I can’t bring myself to leave out even the kids my daughter isn’t friends with so we suck it up and invite the whole class (it’s like 30) and the party is the main present. Naturally most don’t turn up so we’ve never had more than 20 but at least no one child was made to feel like rubbish

Absolutely. A few from the class is fine, but not 10 out of 14. That’s mean

The mum lost the moral high ground posting on social media, but imagine you worked in an office of 14 and 10 of the others were invited out for lunch, would you be upset at being excluded? Amplify that for a child

This 👆

I can understand why the four left out might have been sad about that. I would want to know how they know about the party. If it was because my DC had been telling them all about the party they weren’t invited to, that’s what I would correct.

I wouldn’t want to invite a child who was hurting mine, physically or emotionally. Whilst having SEN makes life really difficult for them and they would have my full sympathy, their wants and needs do not trump my child’s right to safety at school and at their birthday celebration.

OP's child just has other friends they wanted to invite more. They don't only have to invite class friends and that is what I'd tell my child.

their wants and needs do not trump my child’s right to safety at school and at their birthday celebration.

Of course not. But that's when you sculpt the invitation list or style of party so that at least as many children are left out as are going.

That is another aspect of parenting a child properly, as well as keeping them safe. It need not be one or the other.

But you could have chosen to invite those 4 extra kids. You chose to exclude them. Because you invited more than 14 total.
The rule is fewer than half or everyone. I think you are massively unreasonable. Children won’t keep a party to themselves and the kids will easily work out that only a few weren’t invited. it’s cruel.

To be fair, that 'rule' tends to apply to more standard classes of 30. It isn't OP's fault that the class happens to be tiny.

1 of those kids not invited hurts OP's kid so they were never going to be invited.

Of course you don’t have to invite a child who uses vile language and who hurts their peers. Perhaps the mum could spend some time explaining to their child that no one wants to be friends with people who hurt them. Sounds like it would be a valuable life lesson.

I think you should reflect on if you are really teaching your kid to be kind. It doesn't feel nice to be left out. Even as an adult, I would struggle and I am quite secure in myself and understand not everyone gets invited by everyone. But a child, and one with SEN, does not understand that. The kid is clearly stuggling enough.

My sister hasn't spoken to me in months because my 8 year old didn't invite her 3 children to his party of 10.

We have always done family parties until they got old enough to decide who they want - my 8 year old didn't invite her 2 and 3 and 5 year old. She's told everyone I'm awful and didn't even wish him so much as a happy birthday.

I made it clear to my parents (who also think I'm awful) that my son picked his (8) friends because 1 was him and 1 was his sister very carefully. One was my brothers child, who also has 3 children, but older, he only wanted his 10 yr old cousin. My brother didn't care and brang just the one child along no problem!

At 40pp on a (think lazer tag) it's not exactly cheap to add multiple extras just because it's the kind thing to do. I also had to do cake and party favours and balloons. So YANBU imo.

I don’t agree with her social media post but I think it’s really mean to invite 10 out of 14 children. Invite less than half or the whole class. It’s not difficult to have a bit of empathy!

Inviting 10 out of 14 is a dick move.

I would be calling the mum out and pointing out publicly that her child wasn't invited because he is a violent individual. And then point out that of x NUMBER of children in the school only 14 were invited.

It doesn't feel nice to be hurt at school. There's a difference between kindness and teaching your child that someone hurting you at school should still be allowed to your party no matter how you may feel about it.

That doesn't sound kind to OP's child at all.

It's also a common refrain on parenting sites like...Mumsnet.

I think if its small class you just invite them all when they are younger and you are doing bigger activities. As they get older and do more focused things (cinema, etc) you make them smaller,.

Mine were at a primary school with only 26 kids - the done thing was up until Yr 4 you invited everyone and then started being more selective. Restrictive in a way but saved on stress.

But saying that, I would never pass comment if my child hadn't been invited to something

Being kind? You mean put up with abusive behaviour. I hope you are not a parent if you expect a child to put up with being the victim of repeated violence under the guise of "being kind". Perhaps you should educate yourself about the link between being bullied and self-harm/suicide attempts. You are not showing any kindness towards the OP's child.

I think you're both being unreasonable tbh. You knew 4 uninvited out of 14 would be an issue. I think you subconsciously wanted to exclude this child maybe, given your description of them (which honestly, I don't blame you in a way as it should be your DDs special day, not to be ruined by such behaviour). That being said, in a class of 14 I would have urged her to invite the whole class and make up the rest of the numbers from other clubs etc.

The other mum making a social media post is outright weird really. Despite what I said above, in situations where your child isn't invited to a party you just have to accept it.

Forcing friendships will lead nowhere and not everyone always gets invited all the time for many different reasons, it's just a part of life. Her taking to social media to essentially assassinate your character out of emotion is just purely childish and wrong. As a SEN parent in particular, I can see why she may be quite so upset but should have addressed it with you, like an adult, not make passive aggressive posts online like a teenager.

I think I ultimately would side with you on this one, I would be the adult and apologise to the mum who made the post and explain the situation, and that it wasn't done to exclude anybody, lesser yet her child specifically. If she apologises for the post then great, all water under the bridge. If not then you know where you stand with her. Just a completely avoidable situation though really, yet not the worst thing to happen in the world ay.

Hope your DD had a wonderful time

Ignore it.