Kids birthday party aibu

[DippyDo3]

I organised a party for my child a while back. My childs school is a small class with a mix of children. I asked my child who they wanted to invite, they also attend out of school activities and have friends from these activities. Numbers for the party were limited and the party involved a coach for 2 hours for a particular sport. My child picked 10 out of 14 children from school and some from different classes as they play with their older siblings friends too and some children from the out of school activites. Invites were sent to parents individually. Ive since found out that one of the mums of a child in the school class who wasn’t invited has made a social media post on her work page stating her child was the only child left out of a party and she is devastated that an adult would be so cruel. Her child has SEN and hurts not only my child but other children in the class and uses foul language to call them names. My children are taught to be kind to all children especially children that may be struggling or need extra support. However it was my child's decision who they wanted to invite based on who they are friends with as they couldn't pick everyone. I appreciate it is never nice to learn your child hasn’t been invited but this particular child wasn't singled out as the only child there was others in the class my child chose not to invite based on their friendships. Its always awkward when numbers are limited. Had it been at soft play with high numbers everyone would have been invited but my child wanted this particular party.
Seeing the social media post has shocked me as to comments on there are pretty vile given the facts of the story were false, im wondering AIBU or has the mother been upset and used her anger and her child with SEN for attention and social media likes.

Her kid wasn't going to be invited no matter what because they had hurt OP's kid. Why does it matter if it was out of 4 or out of 10? I wouldn't expect an invite if my child had hurt theirs.

Exactly 👏

Yanbu. Doesn't sound like your child and hers are friends, so I don't see the issue. I don't have to invite people I don't like to my parties, why should it be any different for a child? It's not yours, nor your child's obligation to make other children feel included. SEN or not, physical and verbal abuse shouldn't be tolerated. My ds is part of a very small school, 2 years to a class etc (his Y5/Y6 class only has 22 children in total) and he doesn't invite all the class, neither does he get invited to all the parties. I don't make a fuss about and neither does he. That's life!

To exclude 4 out of 14 is awful. Class of 30 fine, not 14 particularly as one has special needs.

Teach your dc some social skills.

Right????

Said SEN child hurts Op’s child and other kids. Did you miss that?

15 party places.. 14 in a class.. we invited 9 from class (my child was the 10) the other 5 places for sibling, best friend (goes to a different school but attends activities), 2 other kids in school they play with every day and 1 from the activity that we see regularly. Yes we could have invited all the class but then they couldn’t have invited their best friend and other closer friends they have. In hindsight maybe should have selected less from school but im sure that would have caused some upset and i probably couldn’t win without booking a larger scale party to accommodate.. Wow so much party politics!

I wouldn’t be inviting a kid that hurt mine and used foul language towards them either.

I thought she meant 2 hour coach journey too and thought that was unreasonable!

It does happen to SEN children all the time. It's compoundd by the end of SEN specific educational provision, meaning that children who do present behaviours that are detrimental to others such as physical violence, disruption and verbal violence are schooled in mainstream.

If you're a child whose school day is always disrupted by, and sometimes ruined by a child with SEN, the very last thing you want is to have to put up with them at your birthday party as well.

As the mum of a child who has many friends outside of school, I can see also how you'd want them to take priority over non close friends from school.

It is unfortunate to leave just 4 out and they will inevitably be hurt. It could have been avoided by saying 7 from school, 7 from other classes.

Will it blow over though? Or will OP have a brand amongst the other parents now?

I do agree with other posters though - 10 out of 14 feels deliberate to people that don’t have the context.

Not really fair to leave out 4 .., maybe if it was 50/50 would have been different, but I would have invited the additional 4 as likely some wouldn’t be able to make it anyway.
And of course the mother is going to use SEN as the reason he hasn’t been invited … and that is the reason, isn’t it?

I think this is the point im trying to make. The ratio is irrelevant because my child wouldn’t have wanted to invite this child anyway which would have been even trickier if inviting all of the class

I would assume from what op says that the other parents may also be aware of the child’s behaviour anyway.

The reason is that the child has hurt the birthday child and he obviously doesn't want someone who has hurt them at their birthday party. Who would?

If it was that serious then you would obviously be down the school about it … not just excluding them from a party as your own form of “punishment”

Why were the other 3 not invited? Have their parents said anything?

I wouldn't worry OP. My guess is that some of the other parents have had problems with said child hurting, swearing and bullying their own children and the response of the mother on social media perhaps is an indication of why the child behaves the way they do.

Lol, you think that schools act on this? IME, they don't. Your child is supposed to tolerate this behaviour because 'SEN'. Absofuckinglutely not.

Exactly. One of those parents that uses their child's SEN as an excuse for appalling behaviour and makes it their whole personality 🙄

Probably not a popular opinion but I don't think you did anything wrong personally. It's your child's birthday, they should be able to celebrate it with who they want to. Would you want to spend your birthday with someone who hurts you and insults you?
I get that it sucks to not be invited but SEN or not, this is something all children have to get used to at some point. And I wouldn't have agreed with inviting this child just because they have SEN either.

So you don’t even bother saying anything in case they don’t “do anything”?!? Ok …

It's wild how this is so polarising.
Half of us are "hashtag be kind"
Half of us are "my party, my rules"

This would be a fantastic long term social science research project. Something like
"Kindness, Belonging and Boundaries: Longitudinal Predictors of Relationship and Life Outcomes from Childhood to Adulthood” or
“Who Do We Learn to Please? Childhood Social Experiences, Boundary Formation and Adult Relationships”

It's possible OP has done this. She hasn't mentioned how she has dealt with it, just that her child doesn't want this chid at their party which is understandable.

I think leaving only 4 out was the problem. Those four will feel hurt when most of the class is going.
It's difficult when the class is so small. But with an activity like you describe that involves a two hour journey would have restricted it to one friend and family only. Then had the bigger party with the full class