Partner’s daughter calling ex’s partner dad

[Annie890]

My partner sees his 5 year old daughter on weekends, has her stay over etc.

his ex has been with her boyfriend for about 3 years on and off. Partner’s daughter has started calling the boyfriend daddy now, even when she’s in our company.

We find this disrespectful and confusing for her. The ex seems to encourage it and certainly doesn’t correct her as I have been in their company when it’s happened.

What do others think? Should it be discouraged?

Using the word disrespectful hasn’t helped your post. She’s a tiny child

But the OP wasn’t blaming the child.

It is her mother who must not have been guiding her towards a more appropriate name to use given the little girl does see her actual father.

That’s not how I read it at all and I do think that the replies have been affected by the op saying it.

You have cut off the rest of my post but really that was the point of it. I am surprised that this is happening as her dad is spends a lot of time with his daughter. She sees her father after school on Friday nights until he drops her back at school on Monday mornings.

The child is spending more time with her dad than she is with her mother during term time. Friday night after school. All day Saturday. All day Sunday. Monday morning . Maybe he can do some guiding towards a more appropriate name too. Talk about him with his daughter and call him by his name and refer to himself as dad a lot.

Isn't it up to the child to decide?

Apparently it’s all the mothers fault for not ‘guiding her towards a more appropriate name’ even though she spends just as much time with her dad who must not be capable of similar guidance.

When my DS was 5 he wanted to be a grasshopper and could only just about put his undies on. I wouldn’t have given him the responsibility of a decision as significant as this tbh.

Is she getting involved or she asking a question on MN, hoping to bring him some ideas on how to handle this hurtful thing?

I call my stepdad of 3+ decades 'dad'; but my father is dead and he'd been fathering me for some time. My stepsiblings call my mother 'mom'; but only because their mother (after many years) said she was okay with them doing so. She told them to be mindful of their mother until then.

It would absolutely break my heart to hear my daughter calling anyone mom, so I can see why this man is upset.

When I had a child at that age they called things what they wanted, me trying to order them to call things or people wouldn't have worked, to me it is a word not a responsibility and yes I would say the same if they wanted to call me a goat or any other word intstead of mum

They have a mind of their own for a reason, if my child wanted to be a grasshopper why would I need to tell them they can't?

adults have the issues not the children

Who said he hasn’t been full time in her life since she was born?! Where are you getting this BS from?

Thank you! Yes!

From the fact that he lives a fucking hour away from her. Jesus Christ, I hope for the girl's sake the stepdad has more fucking sense than the stepmother.

As you have already pointed, anonymous posters on MN don’t know the details of the situation. If he is unhappy he needs to talk to his ex.

No she doesn’t call me mum and I’d never expect her to or encourage it. She calls me by my first name.

Yes that’s what she wanted. And her choice to move an hour away to be by her family who help

Ok, that’s good.

OP - I completely understand your position. My husbands ex conditioned their young child to call her boyfriend of less than a year 'Daddy' from a young age too - it came from a manipulative position on her part to try to erase my husband in his role as 'Father'. It's double standards central on here, you can imagine the UPROAR if that was the other way around. A child can have a Father figure in his life and not be 'Daddy'. The mother is being disrespectful allowing it or even encouraging it. If they ever split that man would be gone and the child would be heartbroken losing a 'Daddy'. Men are with women with kids for the woman, they hold no true loyalty to the children. So placing them on a pedestal with names like 'Daddy' is never a good idea, in my opinion.

I wouldn’t love it but think if she’s just left to it it won’t hurt anyone really (hurtful for your partner but if he can ignore it it’ll be better for his daughter). Think of it as just being a title. Not earned but just a word she’s saying. I think you do know that man isn’t your daddy would probably remind her that things are easy for her x

This site can be harsh

I would be upset. But a couple of things. Is he good and kind to her, does he treat the mum well.

Can they agree a different term.

Also... Has the mum done a Claire's law? What is his background? I think I would be focusing on that side.

But as hard as it is, you can help guide but if a man is in her life I would want to know he is safe to be around children.

If it’s something she is doing naturally you can chat to the mother and point out the concern (I would absolutely not use the works disrespectful - that is the wrong way to view things - however I can see other ways to express concern) but you cannot stop it. Largely the fact that they have such a good relationship should be a positive. If it’s been pushed by the mother / her partner that is more problematic.

She absolutely cannot “chat to the mother”. It’s nothing to do with her. Terrible idea and may make matters much worse.

He only sees her at weekends and mum and baby moved an hour away when she was born. An hour is too far away for him to see his child more than at weekends. Your words. Your BS. He's not a full time dad nor has he ever been according to YOU.

There's not a lot you can do about it as the mum is unlikely to stop it, and it would be wrong to tell such a young child not to do something another parent is encouraging.
In your place, given that, I'd not be fueling my partners pointless outrage. I'd tell him names don't matter, relationships do. To be the best most involved father he can so his DD has no doubt who her dad is.

They split up when the child was two, so yes he was ‘full time’ thank you.

I think it's kind of up to the child and will depend on how they view the adults in their life.

It may not sit right with the adult (and I include myself in this as my adopted son calls both me and his birth mother 'mum') but as long as the adult is secure in the relationship then it's best not to get hung up on this.

Oh so HE moved an hour away from his two year old. Still none of your business.

I’m going to make a thread in a few months saying that I’ve been letting my boyfriends daughter, who I don’t live with, call me mum and watch the absolutely rabid, incandescent responses roll out, and then link back to this thread.

(might even refer to the other mum as bio mum seeing as even just using that phrase on here causes utter outrage)