Partner’s daughter calling ex’s partner dad

[Annie890]

My partner sees his 5 year old daughter on weekends, has her stay over etc.

his ex has been with her boyfriend for about 3 years on and off. Partner’s daughter has started calling the boyfriend daddy now, even when she’s in our company.

We find this disrespectful and confusing for her. The ex seems to encourage it and certainly doesn’t correct her as I have been in their company when it’s happened.

What do others think? Should it be discouraged?

I think it’s none of your business and you need to step back and let your partner and his ex thrash this one out.

Has she actually shown signs of distress amd confusion when she's calling the other guy daddy?
In terms of disrespect, to be honest its something your partner just needs to get over - its between his daughter and the other guy what she calls him, it doesnt diminish his role in any way. Whats importance is the relationship and him being a present engaged partner, not what name she uses.

She seems him more than her dad so probably feels natural.

It’s ridiculous and your partner is right to find it upsetting, disrespectful and confusing for the child.

Absolutely no one on here would say it was okay for a step mum to be called mum after a few years even if her partner was the primary carer. The more people who love a child the better etc but this girl has a living and engaged mum and dad and no one else needs those titles.

@AnneLovesGilbert agree, but it’s for the parents to discuss, not the parents partner….either one?

It’s none of your business, though. Is it you or her dad who finds it disrespectful and confusing for her? Maybe stepdad can be daddy and her dad can be dad?

I think if she’s spending 5 or 6 nights a week with this man she is going to develop a close relationship with him. I’d be happy she views him as such? I dont think a man deserves respect as a father for spending weekends with his kid.

It is very hurtful when this happens, but unless this child is calling daddy against her wishes, it's in her best interest to let her do it.

There is nothing worse for a child to be emotionally confused as a result of their parents' conflict. They feel torn apart, are desperate to make all adults happy and what they want and matters to them get lost in the mist of it.

If your partner can understand that, and put his upset after what is best for his daughter, that would make a good dad, and one day, his daughter will be grateful for it.

Your partner is not unreasonable to not like it. But it’s something he needs to discuss with his ex and his child, not something you should be involved in.

You’re unreasonable to assume Mum is encouraging it just because she doesn’t correct DSD in front of you. Maybe Mum has corrected it a lot when you’re not around and the child isn’t willing to stop. Mum should have discussed it with her when she started doing it (not purely as a correction but to explore her feelings), but if the child wants to continue then Mum doesn’t owe it to you to keep nagging about it. I wouldn’t want to keep having the same disagreement with my child about their relationship with their other parent.

Do the ex, her boyfriend, and the 5yo all live together? If so then, as a PP said, he's part of her main household and she may just naturally see him that way and may have started using the term without being prompted. What's the distinction you make between your current romantic partner being a "partner" versus his ex's being a "boyfriend"?

If your partner is genuinely concerned about the impact to his daughter (for example, you say "on again, off again", which makes it sound like there's a real risk that this person may not be around long-term) then his best bet is to discuss the situation privately with his ex, focusing on the concrete concerns for the 5yo. (I agree that it's potentially confusing if they're both called Daddy, so at least perhaps everyone could agree on a different term if that's the case and who she means isn't usually clear from context.)

It's nothing to do with you but he has a voice so can use it

I think it's OK for the child to call Mum's partner "Dad", so long as -

(1) it's her own choice

(2) she knows her true birth history ie she's not under the illusion that he's her birth father

I can see why your partner is upset to be honest but I would butt out like others have said. Another pp said it's the relationships she has that matters, not what people are called.

You need to butt out, it has nothig to do with you.

Can a five year old be disrespectful?

While this is not your business, I would suggest your boyfriend needs to step up and spend more time with his child.

If he is concerned he is not a big enough part of her life why not have 50-50 custody?

Sorry my partner isn’t on ‘mumsnet’.

Here we go with the judgment. Her boyfriend doesn’t live with her and she actually moved an hour away from where they lived when the child was born to be closer to her parents.
So no, he would love to see her more but can’t logistically.

I forgot people on here hate the partner of the dad. All I did was ask. I’m actually asking on behalf of my partner who isn’t on Mumsnet - a site for women.

I thought people would find it confusing me saying partner for two different people so I used boyfriend to refer to him.

they don’t live together.

It’s not confusing for her at all, you just don’t like it.

My DS always calls his bio dad and his stepdad ‘dad’.

None of our business and nothing to ‘correct’.

He’s an adult now and nothing has changed.

They don’t live together so no she doesn’t see him 5 or 6 nights a week

Are there other children in the house (younger siblings?)

It’s not just a site for women.

Why is that relevant to you not sticking your oar into two parents and an issue they need to discuss together relating to their child not yours?

But an hour isn’t far, surely. My commute to work one way is longer than that.