Partner’s daughter calling ex’s partner dad

[Annie890]

My partner sees his 5 year old daughter on weekends, has her stay over etc.

his ex has been with her boyfriend for about 3 years on and off. Partner’s daughter has started calling the boyfriend daddy now, even when she’s in our company.

We find this disrespectful and confusing for her. The ex seems to encourage it and certainly doesn’t correct her as I have been in their company when it’s happened.

What do others think? Should it be discouraged?

He sees her every weekend, not every other.

He has every weekend?

So mum gets all the shit and after-school drudgery, and he gets every single weekend???

Thank you!

So she stays with him three nights a week - close to 50-50?

and she thinks this other man is also her dad? Does she call you mum seeing she spends nearly 50% of her time with you too?

This.

So many horrible comments on here telling the OP to “mind her own business” etc. The OP is simply asking for opinions on a parenting forum. Her partner is not on Mumsnet. It doesn’t mean she’s interfering in the situation.

I think that’s appalling! Clearly done to hurt your partner. She has a daddy!

You think a 5 year old is capable of such manipulative behaviour????

Terrible advice! Daddy Bert & daddy Fred implies they’re of equal standing and they just aren’t. Call the new boyfriend by his name and actual-Daddy “daddy” as that is what he is! Good grief

So OP cannot ask other people for advice on how best to support her partner?! That’s how proper, committed, grown up relationships work…..

But he isn’t the father! It’s as simple as that… He’s new in her life, 2/3 years is nothing

JFC, not by the child! 🤦🏼‍♀️ Encouraged by the mother in order to hurt the father

Where does OP say that?

She doesn't.

But that's a two hour round trip. That's unrealistic and expensive to do a couple of times a week.

It’s a journey a lot of people do every day.

Although OP says the dad already has his daughter three nights a week - so while it’s not quite 50-50 its pretty close.

OP got people’s bacKs
up by saying. ‘We’ find it disrespectful.

First if all, this is not a ‘we’ issue. Secondly disrespectful is an odd choice of words - most dads would find this hurtful. Would talk to their ex about reserving mummy and daddy just for the two parents. Not confusing the child.

but the word disrespectful suggests a power play, egos, mind games.

Using the word disrespectful hasn’t helped your post. She’s a tiny child.

Your boyfriend has his daughter three nights a week so I don’t understand how he can’t manage the situation if he’s finding it upsetting. I assumed he was hardly ever seeing her when I read your OP.

I can’t even imagine thinking an hour drive was far.

I’m disgusted by your using the word ‘disrespectful’ about a 5yr old calling someone Daddy. Respect has no place at all- it’s a word DC use out of fondness.

In time, she’ll be clearer about who is who, as long as she continues to have lots of positive time with her dad.

Do NOT make a big thing of this or she won’t feel happy about seeing her Dad, just upset and confused that he’s angry with her.

Hi OP 👋
I haven't read the full thread just your replies, so bear with me.

Your partner needs to speak to his ex about this (his DD mum) to get some clarity. Is this an on-again off- again boyfriend, or has he always been there?

Maybe suggest a nickname for this other guy? So when stepdad/mums boyfriend A.K.A 'whats-his-name' comes over, then DD knows him by his actual name or by his nickname and I don't mean 'daddy whats-his-name' or 'papa what's his name' etc.
She's only got one dad.

Because you can BET your life, ten to a penny, that if the shoe was on the other foot, and she called YOU .... "Mummy" or Mummy Annie890... then there would be UPROAR.

Your partner needs to sort this out with his DD mum.

Best of luck.
@Annie890

Let her call him whatever she likes. She has had him in her life almost as long as her biological dad and I suspect sees him a lot more. Why does it upset you so much that she calls them both dad? Take a step back and try to figure out why it really matters....because I don't think it does. In a world where so many children have no father in their life, this little girl has two. Let her be happy with that. Positive co-parenting makes a world of difference to children.

I agree that it is disrespectful to your partner and not good for the child and hate the way you have been bullied on this thread.

I think the only way to attempt to resolve this is for your partner to talk to the ex about it.

I think this thread might be the one that pushes me to delete my Mumsnet account, what the fuck! OP, your mistake was admitting that you’re a stepparent/second wife/new partner etc. Naughty!

So let’s get this straight; according to Mumsnet, if you’ve been with the child/ren’s father for 10 years but aren’t married, you ARE NOT a stepmother; you’re just daddy’s girlfriend. You have NO right to an opinion on anything. Keep your beak out.
Yet, the OP is overstepping for questioning why her partner’s child refers to her mum’s on-and-off boyfriend of only 3 years who doesn’t even live with them as “dad”? Right. Okay, noted.

For a website whose users are usually so hellbent on rigid routines for their little families, the outrage that OP’s partner is not travelling a 2-hour round journey multiple times a week is quite laughable.
My children finish school at 15:30. If my ex husband lived an hour away from us, he would have to leave work at 14:15-14:30; so he’d have to rejig his working hours or leave halfway through afternoon clinic (probably quite frowned upon). Not quite realistic.
Our youngest goes to bed at 7pm. Bedtime routine of bath/shower, and winding down starts at 6pm. Dinner about 5-5:30pm.
So if he didn’t have them overnight, he’d spend a grand total of an hour and half with them. If they had after-school clubs, that’d be reduced to half an hour. He could disney-dad it and take them for a Happy Meal in that time, I guess. I’ll suggest it…
If he had them overnight, they’d have to leave the house about 7:15 the following morning to have any chance of getting to school on time, and he would then be an hour late for work. Again, that’s not really realistic, and not something I’d expect him to do.
Of course he could move closer, but why should he? The price of housing an hour away from us is quite the jump, I’d rather he stayed put and had a bedroom for each child rather than a 1-bedroom flat for the same price.

EOW is bad. Very bad. But every weekend is also bad. Very bad, poor mum gets no fun time! 50/50 is the best, it’s the most fair way. But also the worst, too much upheaval. Very selfish of the parents.

There was a comment upthread that OP had rubbed people up the wrong way by using “we” as it’s “not a ‘we’ problem”, except it is a ‘we’ problem isn’t it? If my partner was upset or concerned about something, I’m naturally going to take on those feelings too. Is that not normal?!

I can guarantee that if you posted about how your stepdaughter calls you ‘mum’, you’d be vilified.

Blended families work for parents not children

He hasn't been full time in this little girl's life since she was born? Father of the year.

Nothing stopping him joining and asking questions himself. There is even a dedicated board here for DADS.

Is that a fact? Having spent a large portion of my childhood and teenage years in a blended family myself, I can’t agree.
My siblings and I much preferred our ‘new’ blended family dynamic. Much better than seeing our two parents who clearly didn’t love each other pretend to play happy families for years before finally deciding to split.

She can have a close relationship with him without calling him Daddy.