Partner’s daughter calling ex’s partner dad

[Annie890]

My partner sees his 5 year old daughter on weekends, has her stay over etc.

his ex has been with her boyfriend for about 3 years on and off. Partner’s daughter has started calling the boyfriend daddy now, even when she’s in our company.

We find this disrespectful and confusing for her. The ex seems to encourage it and certainly doesn’t correct her as I have been in their company when it’s happened.

What do others think? Should it be discouraged?

Agree it is dangerous territory for you to be involved in this. But…

Calling an on/off again partner ‘Daddy’ is clearly going to be detrimental to the child down the line. I think many of us have witnessed the heartbreak when a child loses a ‘Daddy’ who is not their daddy. I’ll never forget the haunted look on my niece’s face when she lost the first man her mother moved her in with - didn’t even get to say ‘goodbye’. The only saving grace is they tend to not make the mistake more than once - and lose trust in their mum’s judgement.

You're right, it's horribly confusing for the child and disrespectful to her actual father. This man has been in her life a couple of years, doesn't live with her and could disappear from her life at any point. I'd be very concerned (and f***g furious) if this was my child. Your partner needs to talk to his ex and also have a discussion with his daughter on family relationships.

We have no idea why the relationship between the bio parents ended.

Her father is in her life and her mum should remind her of that - the child could call the mums boyfriend something else as a pet name. So, the parents need to talk about that. the father shouldn't just accept this.

We think nothing of going an hour away for our shopping, so an hour to see your child is hardly laborious.

So mums partner is ok to reach the dizzying heights of being referred to as dad, but dad’s partner does not have the right to have any sort of opinion on anything to do with anything - even on an anonymous forum? Love the wicked misogyny of that.

By the way, my ex wanted my DS to call him dad, wanted me to stop correcting DS when he called him it. My DS had no contact with his biological dad. I said no, what if we were to split up? We did in fact split up. So that would have been not only one dad who disappeared, but two.

I’d leave it to your partner and his ex to thrash out. Whatever your views.

Actually, the kid can call them whatever they like. Whatever they're comfortable with is assumed best practice.

People commute more than an hour a day...he could se his kid every day if he wanted.

‘We’ find this disrespectful. I‘m quite sure you do.
I don’t think it’s right, really, for a little girl to be calling a man who hasn’t been in her life all that long ‘daddy’ but it’s hardly ‘disrespectful’ and I think that it’s very telling that disrespectful is what you settled on. Of course you say confusing too, but I think ultimately this feels like an issue between your partner and his ex, realistically. Presumably he has tried actually having a civil conversation with his ex about this?
Ultimately there’s little to be done. If she’s with her mum 5-6 days a week (which is poor on your boyfriend’s part, an hour isn’t that big a deal, for a father who really wanted to make the effort), then what her mum says or allows will be what is said. Don’t bring a small child into an adult argument. She’s still your boyfriend’s daughter and always will be, names don’t matter much in the long run. His actions will speak loudest.

Kids are good at working out relationships etc.

My daughter has a nanny that isn't related to us. She's not confused. She has an auntie that's actually her cousin etc. she's not confused..

My friend looks after her grandson, he calls her mum, his birth mother mummy and his auntie, mama, as they all have parental roles in his life. He's not confused about who his birth mother is etc.

It's understandable that your partner is not able to see her as often as he would like, and that must be disappointing.
However, the mother's partner has been in the child's life for more than half of it, so it's very likely, in his way, he is also filling a fatherly role.

Instead of seeing it as disrespectful, which it absolutely is not, focus on how nice it is that she has so many people who love her and are willing to step up for her.

She’ll work out what she wants eventually. I suspect that ex refers to her bf as “daddy” because that’s what she wants but for the sake of the little girl I suggest that you don’t make an issue of it.

You could refer to the bf as daddy Bert and your partner as daddy Fred.

I suggest that you read around online about how to creat a life story book for a child and think about doing that

I can see how it would be hurtful or jarring. But the child isn't being disrespectful, she is young and either being confused or actively encouraged to call the other man daddy. If your partner asks her directly not to, she is caught between both parents. The ex probably is being disrespectful, but there's not an awful lot you can do. She isn't being abusive or neglectful.

I would use this as an opportunity to remind the daughter she is loved no matter how she addresses people and to rise above the irritation of the others.

You came on to ask a reasonable question on behalf of your partner. Understandably your partner is upset and you want to support and help him as any good partner would want to do. It is a really tough one as he won't want to upset his daughter.
He just needs to keep reinforcing that he is her Dad, remind her of things she did with Daddy when she was younger, talk about how much her Daddy loves her etc. Hope it all works out and good to see a supportive partner who wants her partner and his child to have a good relationship.

He should surely be seeing her at least once during the week as well as, I assume, every other weekend. That isn’t much to ask at all.

Under no circumstances should a child be calling anyone but her father daddy. It will confuse the child. Your partner needs to talk to her mother.

An hours drive is nothing to see your own child. Lots of people do longer commutes on a daily basis.

You haven’t answered why custody isn’t 50-50?

Or he could collect her from school on Friday, have her Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday night then drop her back to school on Monday.

I can completely understand why your partner is upset, and I would be upset if my dc started calling another woman mum. However, the little girl is only 5 yo and she’s obviously close to this man and sees him as a father figure, plus I presume she spends most of the week with him rather than her “real” dad. I think that if it’s her choice and she started doing it without prompting from her mum or the dp, plus she understands the different between your dp and this man, then there’s nothing much that can be done about it without it making her sad. I imagine it’s important to her to call him dad (maybe to do with wanting to say she lives with her dad perhaps) so whilst I understand your dp being upset I also can understand why a small child might want to do this. Perhaps a compromise could be made and they encourage her to call him Daddy James (or whatever his name is) instead of just dad.

I do not think it appropriate - and if this was applied to a girlfriend being called Mum then I think people would be more inclined to agree, it is double standards. The circumstances may be difficult ie distance but her father is still her father.

It's only inappropriate if the adults around the child are forcing it

I think for a five year old it can be quite easy to influence actions - its not clear cut

Yep, I think unless they legally adopt, keep things simple and use their name or a nickname that isn't a variation of Dad/Mum. Doesn't mean the step parent can't have an awesome relationship but justs creates clearer boundaries and expectations all round.

But my DD is 50/50 coparented and we both make an effort to be as amiacable as we can given the adminstrative stress of divorce.

I absoutely hate this and think mothers who do it are trash. I don’t understand the obsession with having children call the current boyfriend “dad” almost to hide the fact they are no longer together.

You cannot say anything about the ex. You can gently correct the little girl but she likely will continue doing it.

Also from the child’s point of view I have a step-dad. Neither I nor my siblings would ever DREAM of calling him any variation of ‘Dad’. He’s a fantastic man and I lived with him most of my childhood. But I still call him by his first name.

This is exactly what he does. I said he sees her weekends.