AIBU to resent funding my husband while he works part-time?

[Stressedbadlydressed]

DH has a job that averages 20 hours a week. He’s always running out of money beyond the first week of pay. He pays his part of the mortgage and bills but that’s it. I buy food and everything for the house.

I am Dr and working 48 hour weeks. I am drained. I’m on £45k.

our combined incomes have meant we haven’t been able to move out of an area that we both dislike immensely. I have £16k in savings, that he says I should put towards a deposit.

I’ve asked him to increase his hours or find a new job. He says he will but it never materialises. Then he will say things like trust the process, or that he’s getting “paid” in time so he can pursue his “passion”.

His mother has told him that as I am projected to earn more as I get more experience that it’s unfair I’m expecting him to contribute more.

I find it very unattractive that I effectively fund his life and standard of living. Whenever he asks to borrow money I feel physically repulsed. Aibu?

Based on your salary, it sounds like you're a foundation doctor? So there won't yet be much of a pension for him to raid. When you start hitting speciality training, the strain tends to go up, so you're probably going to resent him even more, especially if he doesn't even pick up the lion's share of housework whilst he's fucking around at home. I've got this mental image of you getting home from a long shift, with a fuckton of exam work to do, and him loafing around on the sofa surrounded by his crap giving you far more rage than now.

What do you mean “surely I understand that?”

Of course I do! hence the point I was making that it’s not always financially better for a woman to marry. This fact is sometimes not acknowledged by some in ,MN even when they are giving advice to a woman who is the higher earner.

@Stressedbadlydressed

How did it ever get to this point?

When did it become him working Pt and you still working full time, and if there were circumstances, are they still in play today?

I work Pt because I had a complete breakdown in my 30's. . DH was well paid and was happy to bring in the cash . Me being home meant I could cook from scratch and do most of the previously out sourced jobs, so we were saving money

Now we are hitting retirement, Years of hard graft means he cant work so many hours, my light pt work , Ive picked up more hours.

He pays the rates and the electric. I pay everything else

But it works for us . Now and then, about 3/4 times a year I use his card for a shop but for the whole - over a year everything works to each other budget

I have had to loan him money, because he likes his boys toys, but he has always paid back so whilst Im not happy that hes buying boys toys, its not impacting on our life style

We have 40 years of working with each other

YANBU with how you are feeling

You do need to have a conversation , without MIL piping up

@Stressedbadlydressed please explain, how long have you been together?
your ages?
your own self esteem?

I wouldn’t match the 2 of you together at all, you sound clued up and have a strong work ethic yet he sounds like he would be happy on benefits…

The difference is usually because a) men are paid more highly because they are men, in job sectors that are regarded and remunerated more highly solely because they traditionally attract men; and b) because women who have children usually have to give up a large chunk of their career and their life shouldering the emotional load while the bloke fucks off cycling. It’s well known that Britain offers women a huge motherhood penalty. https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cvgq4x697q5o

Is this man going to be doing the child rearing and educating, the night time breastfeeds, bath times and story times, and as a pp said, keep the home fires burning? Doing the cooking, laundry and cleaning? If not it is not an equitable distribution of labour.

Unless he has caring responsibilities or is disabled he needs a full time job just like every other adult.

Small world. Off topic but I Know that woman in the photo/article. Former colleague.

Is this man going to be doing the child rearing and educating, the night time breastfeeds, bath times and story times, and as a pp said, keep the home fires burning? Doing the cooking, laundry and cleaning? If not it is not an equitable distribution of labour.

Compelely agree it’s always such a boring false equivalence when they talk about women doing part time or being SAHP. The men doing part time aren’t doing the same as the women are in the household.

I remember a friend and her partner weren’t working for a period of around 3 years and they had two kids under 4. Tell me why whenever I met her she had her two kids with her, while her partner got to regularly go to his mates with no kids in tow! The only time she met me without the kids was when her mother or sister babysat. And she also did the majority of the housework, and cooking too.

@Stressedbadlydressed
A bit bold of his mother to put the idea into his head of him forever being kept in luxury because of YOUR earning power
Just why did you marry him?
It's now time to leave
Or him waddle off to his ma
My guess is mummy's boy latched himself to you because you're obviously a good hard worker and he was only ever going to do the minimum necessary(20 hours anyone?)
The £16k saved, which you shouldn't have told him about is YOURS and I can imagine him thinking that if you are still together he might get away with paying nowt as you'd be a higher earner and could take on all the bills just as his dear old ma thinks you should.......
Well tough titty to that

This is good as it makes divorce less complicated. Leave him. Don’t waste any more time on him.

I'm a doctor and have a boyfriend like this - he also said we would "make it work" when we had a baby. Zoom forward to actually having a baby, and the "solution" was me spending all my savings to fund myself while on unpaid maternity leave and going back to work sooner than planned before I drained my savings to nothing. Having a baby made his laziness worse, not better. Now I fund the majority of the shared costs (including childcare and rent) while I work full time and he still works part time. Please get out of this relationship before you have a child and are looking at needing to pay him custody money because he can't be bothered to work! Life is way too short to settle for a cocklodger!

Why on earth did you marry him?! He repulses you, so I think your relationship is dead in the water.

I have a couple of friends who ended up with men like your DH – they refuse to work and have pipe dreams that will never materialise. They didn’t change; they’re the same in middle age. It’s infuriating for my friends. Unfortunately they had kids with these losers. Don’t make the same mistake.

When he asks for money, tell him to "trust the process" and when he doesn't fair well, explain why it frustrates you when he says this in reply to your reasonable questions.

How do you get on with him otherwise? You are not making him sound very appealing as letting him work part time is fine, if he is using hat free time to alleviate your load, but it doesn't sound like he is.

I think you are two people with different emotional makeups and age is teaching you that in the long term, what, and how you aspire to achieve things are totally different.

He has tried being an artist for a while now from the sounds of it and its not going anywhere and its certainly not helping you from the sound of it.

He needs to get a full time job 35-40hrs pw and he still has free time to pursue his art and if he ever gets to the stage where it starts to pay, then he can adjust his hours accordingly.

You are working, you are focused and you are being realistic. You have allowed him to have a shot at his dream and as yet it has not paid dividends and he needs to be realistic.

Do not have a child with this man, you are not aligned in your planning and frankly you cannot afford to have a child with him.

He sounds useless. I would find that very unattractive.

Does he or did he used to have redeeming qualities?

im 29, he’s 30. We met through mutual friends. we’ve been married 2 years.

He comes from a very well off family. His father lives overseas and easily has millions of pounds, houses, businesses. He used to give my DH £1k a month as he was pursuing a career but he quit this. He speaks to his father terribly and I’m not surprised the money river has been blocked by him. He still says now he’ll get money when his father dies.

At first, I didn’t have any money, so it wasn’t really an issue. We just muddled on. There was always some crisis that came up, and I’d cover him £50/£100. This actually stacked up to over £4k in the time I’ve known him. I’ve always been good with money (as I’ve never had it), and ended up with overdrafts and stress managing the both of us.

Whenever I bring up that there is disparities in our efforts and income, there’s a whole “not everyone is as lucky as you” and “I don’t have any qualifications so there’s no point in looking”.

I’ve got to the point where I look at his family’s lifestyle, his private education, international links… and I just think, lucky, me? Really? You had everything handed to you and you achieved nothing. I don’t expect him to magically end up in a lucrative career, but just some semblance of being an adult would be be nice.

It feels like there’s zero appreciation or respect for what I do for us, the hours I work, the job I do… I’ve told him I can’t live on trust the process and we’ll make it work, but it ends up with him sulking saying he can’t go back to menial jobs as it will “kill him” 🙄 join the club, my job is fucking hard!

He's never even made you a cup of tea?
Send him back to his Mother. He's so incredibly entitled.
You said he disgusts you, so don't wait any longer. It's over.
This will probably be the best financial decision you ever make and it will save your mental health too.
www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce

Divorce him now before you build up any wealth he can claim. The longer you leave it, the more you’ll lose.

you are not too old to start again. But you need to get out now, as the resentment will only build further if you don’t. Nothing in your description of him suggests that you’re in any sort of partnership

This.

I’d be done. Not a cup of tea? You come home and he’s done nothing at all? Mr ‘money isn’t everything’ won’t miss yours, clearly. I’d just ask him to leave.

OP, why are you with this drone? He’s privately educated yet has no qualifications; he works at most four hours a day; he lives like a teenager and can’t even clear up after himself or make you a cup of tea when you get home - is this really the positive male role model you want for your DC? You need to cut and run- you’re young enough to start again. You need a partner, not a deadweight that’s going to drag you down.

Thank God you've not had any kids yet. You need to get out now before you're earning more and he can scrounge more off you. He's a lazy, spoilt, entitled, walking ick. He's a ponce.

I couldn't let him near me..

Divorce him and focus on your career.

@Stressedbadlydressed

You are waking up to a person who believes their privilege will carry them

You really need to love him to carry on , and I mean love the bones clean off him, so any doubts or words of wisdom wash clean off

You are not compatible and there's not a mission that you can buckle down and go the long haul for an inheritance

Go find happy

His mother has told him that as I am projected to earn more as I get more experience that it’s unfair I’m expecting him to contribute more. - how the heck does she come into it? Please don't tell me he has appealed to her - absolutely out of order.

Best quote of the century!

This.

Get rid of the leech before he sucks you dry.

2 years is a short marriage, you won't have to give him much.