AIBU to resent funding my husband while he works part-time?

[Stressedbadlydressed]

DH has a job that averages 20 hours a week. He’s always running out of money beyond the first week of pay. He pays his part of the mortgage and bills but that’s it. I buy food and everything for the house.

I am Dr and working 48 hour weeks. I am drained. I’m on £45k.

our combined incomes have meant we haven’t been able to move out of an area that we both dislike immensely. I have £16k in savings, that he says I should put towards a deposit.

I’ve asked him to increase his hours or find a new job. He says he will but it never materialises. Then he will say things like trust the process, or that he’s getting “paid” in time so he can pursue his “passion”.

His mother has told him that as I am projected to earn more as I get more experience that it’s unfair I’m expecting him to contribute more.

I find it very unattractive that I effectively fund his life and standard of living. Whenever he asks to borrow money I feel physically repulsed. Aibu?

This ^^

Get rid before it affects your career, give him back to his misogynistic Mum.

im not sure why you’re still married you aren’t compatible at all. The only option is to accept he’ll be the stay at home parent or divorce him. I’d divorce him!

Oh OP, you’ve found yourself saddled to a lazy arse!! I’m not being sexist by the way, I think my female friends who are SAHMs with school age kids are lacking work ethic too, but at least they have responsibilities from 3pm to 8am. Your H is indulging a passion he can’t afford!

Laziness is such an unattractive trait. Let him move back with his mother and enjoy her hospitality.

Don't get pregnant by him. Divorce him now before you have assets he will steal in the settlement. You don’t want him getting your pension either!

That culture(s) you are referring to, does not enable sons to pursue art as a hobby.

Hi op Time to give him an ultimatum he gets a full time job and matches your contributions or you get a divorce most people only work part time if it’s necessary or can totally afford it. He can’t do neither so let him live with mummy you concentrate on your career you will find your equal but if you have kids it will only get worse. His mum is a joke for encouraging him most decent parents want there children to do well and live well but not necessarily off there spouse. I am not surprised your feeling the way you do it’s already like your taking care of one child. He’s taking the piss and as a dr I really hope you don’t let him carry on.

Honestly I think you should divorce him. He clearly has no intention of lowering himself to do a proper job whilst pursuing his art dream. At the very least I would expect in a true partnership that he would be doing his half of the domestic chores and that you can expect to come in to a meal at the end of a long day shirt.

The longer your marriage the more he would be entitled to when you split. This includes a share of your NHS pension, I know it is less good than it used to be but it remains very valuable. Dont start a family with this man until you have resolved this. Would he go to relate with you?

Oh my gosh, please @Stressedbadlydressed you need to leave him.

This relationship is like death by a thousand cuts. 😖

I’m not one for the ‘leave the bastard’ but in your case I think it would make sense x

Ah phew. This makes it easy. Leave. Be free x

The reason you resent him is that he's a fucking lazy scrounger. Resenting him is reasonable. Staying with him, not so much.

Agree. See a solicitor and get the ball rolling.

Surely you understand that if a piss-poor woman marries a rich guy and they divorce, she gains a lot in the settlement, right? Same with a piss-poor guy and a rich woman. That is what they mean.

Someone will be along in a minute to say what if the roles were reversed or some such double standards bs and here comes @PollyBell right on time, to deliberately miss the point.

Revulsion isnt an easy emotion to get back from. Especially when its deserved due to behaviour and not e.g. hormonal.

Leaving him now when you are early career, no children and no joint property will be significantly easier and cheaper than divorcing him in a few years time. The earlier you leave, the quicker you can find someone worthy of having children with if that is what you want.

Yep this is very familiar. Just tolerated far more widely when it’s women. Including on MN where there are many appalling posters who use phrases like ‘marry well’.

OP in common with many, you’ve got yourself someone who wants the long-term financial prospects of a dr without the hassle of becoming one.

ICK

What is he adding to your life? Unless you’ve missed a huge amount about how lovely caring and helpful he is I cannot see why you would want to spend your life with someone so entitled a selfish.

Leave him now. Soon you’ll be earning well and have a decent pension pot- he’ll have his greedy lazy hands all over it! He’s using your grit and determination to succeed as a cash cow. He’ll bleed you dry in every which way!

He's asking you to "trust the process". What process is this exactly where money materialises out of thin air? And his response to your very sensible query about how you'd survive on maternity leave is ridiculous fantasy -- how exactly does he think he (not we!) "will make it work"? Live on air? You really need to have a serious conversation with him about finances and then a serious conversation with yourself about your future life. I wish you well, but it ain't really lookin' very good at this point (especially not with enabling parents-in-laws).

Get some legal advice and start the divorce process. Get out now, the longer you wait the more money he'll get out of you when you split.

My self employed husband announced out of the blue that he was thinking of giving up his work. I was working full.time and doing everything domestic. I said if that was the case I would expect to never have to clean, do laundry, cook, garden again because if he thought that I was going to work all day and do all the housekeeping while he sat at home drinking tea and doing sudoku all day he was sadly mistaken. It never happened.

I'd honestly get rid of someone like this, it's one thing pooling money when both people work hard full-time, but one works in a better paying industry, plus both parties work as a team and share all household tasks too. But it's another when 1 party works hard, earns more, cleans the house etc etc when the other party is sat around working minimal hours and not even picking up all household tasks in their 20 hours free-time each week.

I'd seriously file for divorce in your position, you won't be able to actually take maternity leave (not that you should have kids with this waste of space!!) and you will then not only be working insane hours, cleaning the house, you'll also be doing all child rearing too. Meanwhile your husband will be sat on the sofa all day stewing in his own filth.

Get out now, no property, no children, early in your career, you can have a clean break without much financial impact, don't wait for this to change!

Look, you are a doctor. A medical doctor.
You must know that once you get The Ick thereis no coming back from it.

It’s irreversible.
Once you get The Ick it’s over. Finito.
There’s no tablet, no operation, no medicine that can repair it.
So @Stressedbadlydressed - have you got The Ick?
Do a full assessment on yourself (I presume they taught you about this in medical school?) and if you’ve got it you know what you have to do.
..You need to remove the useless piece of skin from your life otherwise it will turn into a cocklodger which is harder to remove,
That often needs support from friends & family, a lock change and copious amounts of wine.
Dont let the Ick turn into a cocklodger.
Get rid before it’s too late,
Here, take a LTB which is only dispensed when necessary.

Go on Doc - cut it out.

Uugh get rid of him! You want an equal partner, not a giant man-baby!

Why are you with him?

I am really just wondering why you are with him. What are you getting of the relationship?