AIBU to resent funding my husband while he works part-time?

[Stressedbadlydressed]

DH has a job that averages 20 hours a week. He’s always running out of money beyond the first week of pay. He pays his part of the mortgage and bills but that’s it. I buy food and everything for the house.

I am Dr and working 48 hour weeks. I am drained. I’m on £45k.

our combined incomes have meant we haven’t been able to move out of an area that we both dislike immensely. I have £16k in savings, that he says I should put towards a deposit.

I’ve asked him to increase his hours or find a new job. He says he will but it never materialises. Then he will say things like trust the process, or that he’s getting “paid” in time so he can pursue his “passion”.

His mother has told him that as I am projected to earn more as I get more experience that it’s unfair I’m expecting him to contribute more.

I find it very unattractive that I effectively fund his life and standard of living. Whenever he asks to borrow money I feel physically repulsed. Aibu?

"It has worked for many women for many years, this is no different", there are no children in this relationship though @PollyBell

How unattractive.

if you love him I’d tell him he had until x date to increase his hours to full time otherwise you will be separating. Immediately stop funding him. Don’t give him a penny and make him buy his own food.

Then kick him out and home to his mum regardless.

I am a midwife and I see first hand how hard doctors work. You don’t need a man child dragging you down.

It is different. Most if not all women I know who work part-time and are married to someone working full-time do childcare and do a disproportionate amount of housework.

Divorce him now, it will only get worse. And you’ll have him claiming to be main carer if you have DC, so you still end up paying him.

Cut your losses and go it alone.

It really doesn’t sound like there is much in common, either now or in terms of future goals. How did you get together? Really think about what you want out of relationships and your life, before he takes all of your years up. Especially if you are thinking of having kids. If you have different ideas of how to live now that will cause huge ructions when children are involved.

Do not have a baby with him! I don’t think there’s much hope for your relationship, and from what you’ve posted that’s not a bad thing. Send him back to Mummy.

Why are you with him if you feel so repulsed ? Don’t waste your time with him. I know his your husband but find someone else, no kids so it’s a blessing

That’s fine. He can work fulltime and enjoy his passion on the days he doesn’t work, like people do whose passion is gardening, or bike riding, or golf, or windsurfing, or birdwatching.

This man is an absolute leech. You need to divorce him without delay. I'd take legal advice about what he is entitled to because he'll try to take the maximum off you. The longer you stay married to this awful man, the more he'll drag you down. Be very grateful you don't have children with him. Is he really the DNA you want for your future children - with what sounds like an interfering MIL to boot.

@PollyBell It still only works if the spouse is willing and happy to support them though, which isn't the case here. One of my BIL is a high earner and his wife now only works very PT (they're childfree by choice). He's fine with it and they have a high standard of living -I can understand why the OP is fed up if she's living in an area she dislikes and can't move due to money.

When I read threads on here about how women must get married to protect their finances I think of all the women like OP for whom marriage was a mistake and how she would be a lot better off financially if she hadn't married.

Get your exit plan sorted and get out & then get on with looking forward to the rest of your life 🙂 you only get one so make it as good as you can 👏🏻👏🏻

Tell him you want a divorce. You will no longer have to support him and you will one day be able to have kids. You can’t with him. When resentment kicks in, it’s not workable anymore.

The longer you stay, the more of your pension pot he’ll get Every time you get a pay rise, you’re banking half of it for him in the divorce. And if you have kids, he’ll magically become a sahh, and it will be even harder to get rid of him, while you work such long hours you
barely see them

Why say argh? He's not a child? You aren't throwing your hands up at a naughty child - he's using you darling.
Get divorced and find a nice person who will do equal shares of chores. He sounds like he is treating you like his father, who he despises

I find it repulsive when I come back and he’s on the couch surrounded by the days mess just watching tv. It feels like a teenager.

he will never change. You can't change him. You can only change what you do - do you want to remain married to a lazy man who you find repulsive? Sounds..fun?

Exactly. People just trot that out mindlessly.

Divorce asap

The sooner you get rid of him the less he will cost you in the divorce so get on with it. This isn’t a man who loved you, has your back and wants the best for you-he is a coasting man child. Don’t let him drag you down and send him home to mummy where he can practice his art in peace and she can enjoy propping him up.

Right now you don’t have any property to split so you can divorce him without it costing you much. He’s been brought up depending on someone else to fund his lifestyle and he has made it blatant he expects you fund his lifestyle. He will never change and would just move straight back to his parents and get funded again by them. It will be you who’s life will change, you will be free of him freeloading of you and be relieved not to get back from work to his mess and moans he can’t afford anything.

But he’s keeping the family home ticking over!
how on earth could your household manage with both of you working full time??
of course you’ll absolutely accept he’ll get. 50% of your pension if you split as how could you have got so far ahead in life without him dealing with the home fires!

I am guessing you are quite young to be married if you are on 45k as a doctor. Are you from a culture where divorce is seen as acceptable? What do your parents think to this situation? I don’t blame you for being repelled by it, I would be too. An adult still living off his parents isn’t ready for marriage.

well the good thing is that you have no ties that can’t be unravelled easily (aka kids)
so you can leave him .
and start a life that you want.
or be available to alternatives.
he can move in with his ma.

I don't think you can mend it. Even if he finds a well-paid job tomorrow, the damage is already done, the disgust has already set in. You need to run away from this waste of space! You can't un-feel revulsion.

Can't you find a nice doctor to marry - like at work? Then your interests, salaries will be aligned!

Where on earth did you meet such a prince, btw?

I find it repulsive when I come back and he’s on the couch surrounded by the days mess just watching tv. It feels like a teenager.

Oh dear OP. Once you have the ick there’s no coming back from it I’m afraid. You need to cut your losses and divorce him, or the ick will haunt you forever.