AIBU to resent funding my husband while he works part-time?

[Stressedbadlydressed]

DH has a job that averages 20 hours a week. He’s always running out of money beyond the first week of pay. He pays his part of the mortgage and bills but that’s it. I buy food and everything for the house.

I am Dr and working 48 hour weeks. I am drained. I’m on £45k.

our combined incomes have meant we haven’t been able to move out of an area that we both dislike immensely. I have £16k in savings, that he says I should put towards a deposit.

I’ve asked him to increase his hours or find a new job. He says he will but it never materialises. Then he will say things like trust the process, or that he’s getting “paid” in time so he can pursue his “passion”.

His mother has told him that as I am projected to earn more as I get more experience that it’s unfair I’m expecting him to contribute more.

I find it very unattractive that I effectively fund his life and standard of living. Whenever he asks to borrow money I feel physically repulsed. Aibu?

It’s still very socially acceptable which is why so many have that kind of set-up. What is not socially acceptable is trying to force something on a partner they don’t want or dictating to others how they should manage their households.

But as you have previously said you have no relationship experience so probably would not know that.

You do your best “to be objective” but your “instinct tells you”

Bit of a contradiction there, my dude.

You and your friends think it is acceptable to expect a woman to stay at home and do all domestic labour...?

Eugh I would find this totally repulsive and give me the ick.

That's not the same at all.15k is a lot to contribute. This guy isn't contributing anything and is waiting for her to earn more money for her savings to increase for them to move.

I do believe that comes under "not forcing a partner..." so no they don't believe that. Accepting that something is an option that will work for some people and expecting it are not the same thing.

Not a bit dude. One can try to be objective but sometimes instinct is stronger. Why not just concentrate on the issue dude? 🤔

But, old chap, you aren't concentrating on the issue - i.e. OP's actual problem.

You've gentplopped onto the thread with some whataboutery.

HTH, squire.

Do you have basic reading comprehension issues?

It’s not about “expecting a woman to do all the housework.”

It’s about believing it is absolutely fine for a couple to have a traditional domestic set-up if they so wish. And I don’t know a single one of my friends who has an issue with that. As I said you don’t have relationship experience nor many friendships so possibly you have never come across that. What people do tend to critique is the man who wants his wife to share the financial load equally but also do 100% of all domestic labour including childcare. But that is NOT a traditional domestic set-up.

OP does not have a traditional homemaker / breadwinner situation. She is both homemaker and breadwinner while her husband contributes little.
And that would still be ok if she was ok with it. But she isn’t.

Why are you acting as if you’re not aware women do the bulk of domestic duties in marriages? Are you that unaware of the society around you?

What people think is unfair is the fact when a man and women are both working full time very often it’s the woman who ends up doing most of the cooking and cleaning simply because he’s being sexist and lazy.

Or when some men marry ambitious women who want to work outside the home then suddenly they switch up and tell the women they have to become SAHM post-kids.

If two people have agreed for the man to the main breadwinner and the woman to be at home doing domestic stuff that’s absolutely fine. It’s the same when it’s the reverse - as long as both are pulling their weight and they’ve agreed that division of duties. That’s not what’s happening in this situation.

I haven't read through all the posts but surely I can't be the only one who thinks the most shocking thing about this is that a Dr is only earning 45k!?

Oh, and your husband is a pr!ck.

She'll earn a lot more once she's consultant level. Which her lazy arse DH is clearly banking on.

All the people who come with the 'if roles were reversed' statement - show me one thread on MN where woman, no children, sits at home doing nothing, only creating mess and waiting for the husband to come home from his 12h shift to cook and clean. Because she's an artist youknow, except that she does no art. And where then poster agree that this is how it's supposed to be, all fair.

@Hotap What people think is unfair is the fact when a man and women are both working full time very often it’s the woman who ends up doing most of the cooking and cleaning simply because he’s being sexist and lazy. Or when some men marry ambitious women who want to work outside the home then suddenly they switch up and tell the women they have to become SAHM post-kids.

Clearly, you have an issue with this.

Which demonstrates my point that it is not socially acceptable to expect women to do all the domestic labour...

@JHound It’s about believing it is absolutely fine for a couple to have a traditional domestic set-up if they so wish. And I don’t know a single one of my friends who has an issue with that.

Then you and I live on separate planets.

My parents had a 'traditional domestic set-up'. Doesn't mean my mum did all the domestic work though. She did the childcare, cleaning and cooking in the week, and my dad did his share evenings and weekends - nappies and bottles and helping with homework and whatever.

He’s still here, we’re basically living separately but he won’t leave. I’ve had the house valued and looked into how the value will be divided.

Obviously lots of “can we talk”s and various other bullshit.

Now I’ve made the decision i feel lighter and just free. Obviously he’s still here but there’s no going back for me, I have no more to give him emotionally or practically.

There’s so much more that he’s done which I’ve forgiven which I shouldn’t have. Things I’ve overlooked. Punching walls, calling me names, having not so innocent conversations with women from his past.

I feel like I’ve just pulled a leech of my skin.

That’s good, You should put the house on the market and hopefully get your move on with your life soon.

Good for you! You'll never look back

I hope you've seen or have an appointment for a solicitor ASAP

"Now I’ve made the decision i feel lighter and just free."

Very glad to hear it @Stressedbadlydressed wishing you all the best.

ps. I still can't get over him using the phrase "Trust the process" management speak to close down any serious discussion. What a blooming cheek!

This is great OP. Yes to the solicitor. Onwards and upwards. At least he can’t be asking you for any money now he knows that you’re done. Well done!

So you have actually been in a highly abusive relationship and have finally woken up.

How hard have you had to work to get here?
So hard.

Thank goodness you are not throwing your life away being used and bled dry by a user loser.

Sounds like you have truly had your eyes opened. Stay safe. Stay strong.

Posters on MN are always criticising others' reading comprehension. Gets very tedious. As snarky comments go, it's unimaginative.