AIBU to resent funding my husband while he works part-time?

[Stressedbadlydressed]

DH has a job that averages 20 hours a week. He’s always running out of money beyond the first week of pay. He pays his part of the mortgage and bills but that’s it. I buy food and everything for the house.

I am Dr and working 48 hour weeks. I am drained. I’m on £45k.

our combined incomes have meant we haven’t been able to move out of an area that we both dislike immensely. I have £16k in savings, that he says I should put towards a deposit.

I’ve asked him to increase his hours or find a new job. He says he will but it never materialises. Then he will say things like trust the process, or that he’s getting “paid” in time so he can pursue his “passion”.

His mother has told him that as I am projected to earn more as I get more experience that it’s unfair I’m expecting him to contribute more.

I find it very unattractive that I effectively fund his life and standard of living. Whenever he asks to borrow money I feel physically repulsed. Aibu?

He’s shut down every conversation I’ve tried to have about his salary and his working hours.

He said I’m “jealous” of him, because whilst I’m working a 12 hour shift in hospital, he’s done 4 hours of work, and does whatever he wants in the other time. No, I’m not jealous, I’m furious. He’s never made me so much as a cup of tea when I got in.

I asked him what he thought would happen if we had a baby and I had to go on mat leave - how would we financially survive? His response is “we’ll make it work”

argh

@Stressedbadlydressed with his mother interjecting and his father previously funding him I would cut your losses and get rid.

Unfortunately for junior doctors 45k is pretty normally especially if in a training position. And it will get better as you get further into your career and specialise but do you really want that waste of space as a ball and chain dragging along?

Oh hell no. Get out!! Imagine what life would be like with him and kids!!! And if that's not something you want it will still just get more and more repulsive.

Why are you with him?

Ffs, are you out of your mind?
Get rid of this selfish loser now.
You can never have children with suchba man.
Loads of threads over the years that end up with workhorse women doing it all.
Part time dads that do fxxk all at home and little or no childcare.

You are a clever woman, what the hell are you doing with such a waster?

No I really don’t. I worked hard to get where I am, he seems to think I had “luck” to get here. I want a quality of life that I have always aimed to have. I grew up in a very working class family, first to go to uni… I want my kids to have what I didn’t

He says moneys not everything and in the same breath says he’s fed up he can’t afford xyz. I find it repulsive when I come back and he’s on the couch surrounded by the days mess just watching tv. It feels like a teenager.

You're being used and financially abused by a lazy freeloader. There is no reason for him to only work part time while you do excess hours. He isn't raising your children.

The longer you stay with him, the more he will bleed you dry. You don't love him. Cut your losses now and call a halt to it.

Tell him either he works full time or you will divorce him. And mean it.

I lived like this for 20 years. Dont be me. Its no way to live.

If you are repulsed and disgusted by him, I’d say the relationship is over.

Perhaps by yourself you can move to an area you prefer!

You are being financially abused by a lazy useless bastard.
He’s not suddenly going to get driven and ambitious.
get to your solicitors this week and divorce him.

Yeah this seems like a huge gap in a. How you view money and b. How you show respect to the other person for their contribution to your shared lives/personal growth/aspirations.

He doesn't sound very ambitious, you are. Can you move forward with such a gap?

I fear if you did have children this would implode, as it really does expose every single little crack in the relationship when your tired/stressed etc. please think very carefully before taking this step, is want to see some real concrete work on himself - or both decide that those differences are too wide/not able or willing to change and go your separate ways.

He’s never fledged.

“I find it repulsive when I come back and he’s on the couch surrounded by the days mess just watching tv.”

Confirmed cocklodger.

You’ve tried to have the discussion. Get a full ti e job etc. He’s not interested, and why should he when he can live if the bank of parents/wife.

He’s not going to change. Maybe his art seemed romantic and you really thought he was going ti succeed in it, but reality has set in. He’s. Ever going to grow up.

Free yourself and lead the life you deserve.

I think you already know the answer OP. He’s taking the piss and you need to end this.

Then start the process of getting rid of him.

You are not forced to stay with him.

Ugh, he has zero respect for you and his mother is encouraging him to freeload. You’ve worked hard and are starting to reap the rewards of that work, which you should be entitled to do. He’s going to drag you down. Please use bullet proof contraception as the last thing you need is to be shackled to him through a child.

I’ve been in a similar situation. The entitlement doesn’t improve, it gets worse. Some people give zero fucks about rainy days, pensions, investments, supporting family… as someone else will come good. Mine at least did do housework and the food shop (on my card, of course).
The fact his mummy says he is being a big brave boy won’t be helping matters either. Time for you to reflect on what you want, and then go get it!

It has worked for many women for many years, this is no different

I wouldn't find it attractive but many do

Leave him. You’re on different pages. Stay too long and he take you for half of what you’ve worked for.

Doctors really don’t get paid a lot to start with when you think about all the education , responsibility and hours. It’s a really hard job.

He’s a freeloader

He is right money isn’t everything, but respect, care and consideration are.
To do the amount of work he does and not have food/drink prepared when you come in is awful, if he was pulling his weight in other areas so that when you finish work you have nothing to think about then it would be a totally different story.
He sounds totally selfish and not likely to change, I would be getting rid and certainly not having a family with him.

Whatever you don’t have a baby with this man.

I’d be so disgusted as well, OP. Thankfully even though I’ve dated some idiots I’ve never properly crossed paths with that kind of man who wants to live off you. Gross.

I dated one aspiring actor who did a little tv work but he did 3 x 12 hour shifts at minimum per week so he wasn’t really part time in terms of hours and had a work ethic while pursuing his passion.

This is why I wouldn’t date a man who relies on his parents for funding his lifestyle. Even if in best case scenario the financial support continues, they will then decide they have a big say in your marriage.

I agree with @Cardhey, you're on different pages and now's the time to get out of this relationship. Some people are fine with financially supporting their partner, but you're not one of them and you've told him this repeatedly to no avail. End the relationship and move on. Happily, you don't have children together so that'll make the split easier.

Trust the process 🙏 Rome was not built in a day