AIBU to resent funding my husband while he works part-time?

[Stressedbadlydressed]

DH has a job that averages 20 hours a week. He’s always running out of money beyond the first week of pay. He pays his part of the mortgage and bills but that’s it. I buy food and everything for the house.

I am Dr and working 48 hour weeks. I am drained. I’m on £45k.

our combined incomes have meant we haven’t been able to move out of an area that we both dislike immensely. I have £16k in savings, that he says I should put towards a deposit.

I’ve asked him to increase his hours or find a new job. He says he will but it never materialises. Then he will say things like trust the process, or that he’s getting “paid” in time so he can pursue his “passion”.

His mother has told him that as I am projected to earn more as I get more experience that it’s unfair I’m expecting him to contribute more.

I find it very unattractive that I effectively fund his life and standard of living. Whenever he asks to borrow money I feel physically repulsed. Aibu?

Do be careful though. Abusers can become dangerous when they know it’s over

@Stressedbadlydressed

Absolutely, see a solicitor NOW, especially about selling the house (unless you plan to buy him out). I'm not in the UK so I don't know, is it even possible to sell the house without his consent? If not, you'll have to get a court order as part of the divorce. It's best to be getting busy on that now because I'm sure he'll try to drag things out.

I feel like I’ve just pulled a leech of my skin.

This is because you have. Figuratively speaking. You've pulled a leech off of your life.

Excellent news! Onwards and upwards.

@Stressedbadlydressed Good to hear. He can go and leech off his parents, and you can start living your life. Onwards and upwards.

Good for you - the relief is your sign.

Keep going...

Def sell and i'd file for divorce.asap - it.might help him accept it

I'd aim to just get out and move on asap.

Remember with the housesale, the market is dire....and £10k under asking isnt really £10k because you will likely have to give him £5k of that £10k if not more.... I'd be looking to cut my losses and move on

That's fabulous news! Try and find one of those possibly apocryphal 'shit hot lawyers' (or at the very least a competent solicitor) to ensure that he only gets the bare minimum that he's legally entitled to which is hopefully not much at all.

Now that I have seen all your posts, including his abusive, misogynistic and narcissistic behaviour, I cannot see how this marriage can survive. Unless he acknowledges that he has a problem and needs/gets help.
I'm sorry you are going through all of this. You priorities your health and wellbeing.

You need to see a solicitor asap. You're married, and presumably the house is in joint names. If he won't willingly sell the house, then you may need to go to Court to force the sale. Once you have legal advice, you need to file for divorce. The sooner you do this the better. At the moment, he might be hoping he can change your mind, hence why he won't move out etc. If you file for divorce, it might all suddenly become much more real. All he sees now is you saying a lot of words, but no action! Let's be honest, you've said lots to him in the past, and nothing has happened, so he's just holding out until you give in (again!). Remember, actions speak louder than words!

If he punches a wall again, or acts violently, throws something etc, phone the police. It is a question of cutting your losses, but you can recover easily. The peace of mind is worth it. Don't worry about anything but getting to a point were you are living in peace. Him, his Mum, previous financial loses and the time wasted, don't matter, getting your spark back, is all that matters.

This. They know that they are being obtuse.

Are you being deliberately obtuse?

She does not have an issue with women doing all domestic labour. The issue is with the woman working full time outside the home AND doing all the domestic labour. Due to an uneven work load. Where there is a traditional split where the male breadwinner does all paid work and the woman does all domestic labour that is fairly normal and certainly not considered “not socially acceptable”. What is considered socially unacceptable is laziness and unfairness. Not the simple act of a woman doing all domestic labour.

I

I live on earth. Where traditional breadwinner / homemaker models are fairly normal and nobody has an issue with it.

You seem to live on one where basic comprehension is not the norm.

I love this for you!!!

He wants to talk because he is onto a good thing and afraid to lose it. Of course you are feeling lighter. You are dropping the deadweight.

@Stressedbadlydressed I think talking to people and explaining your viewpoint and having to deal with negative comments and defending yourself can sometimes really help and I think we have seen this in your posts over the last few days.

You have gone from "Am I being unfair" to being pretty firm in your defence of yourself in how you have supported him and how its not a two way street, because marriage is give and take and it would appear the giving is all you and the taking is all him. Sometimes in a relationship, your needs, need to be chosen and prioritised and in this relationship, its all about him.

I think you have reached your own reasoned conclusion, which is easier said than done, but you seem to have done it. Don't weaken, crack on, you deserve someone that will (even if only occasionally) put you first.

This.

He needs to leave the house & this is one way to make that happen.

The housing market is dire but like PP have said it may be best just to cut losses & get it sold ASAP. He may want to sell the house for an unrealistic price. You could consider giving him more than his fair share just to get rid rather than have a house on the market for years.

But please do go and see a solicitor.

This is pretty much the most dangerous stage of a relationship ... the bit where the woman tries to end it. Please be careful. He may not physically harm you but he will almost certainly try every mental and emotional trick in the book to keep his feet firmly under the table and the resident house elf busily keeping the household running for him.

Wouldn't be surprised if he wants an unreasonable amount for the house too and refuses to budge on it so that it doesn't sell and the status quo is maintained. I have a friend doing that at the moment and so far it's working very well; the house isn't selling and the situation continues. It's about to go back to the solicitor to see if they can get them to agree to trying a lower price but I'm expecting my friend to fight that tooth and claw as it simply doesn't suit them for the house to be sold.

@Stressedbadlydressed I've been thinking about you and your situation and how it was going.
I'm glad to read that you feel like a parasite has been removed from you.

Hopefully, you are not cooking or cleaning for him, lending him money or letting him have any of your food, drink or anything else. He doesn't deserve it.
Please get some legal advice so you can continue to move towards freedom from this twat-waffle.
Wishing you the very best and perhaps start a new thread to let us know how you are getting on?

@Ponoka7 Unfortunately police wouldn't be interested. Always reluctant with domestic incidents. I know someone whose friend threatened to kill him, and all police said was he would have been already dead if friend had meant it.

That hasn't been my experience and it's dangerous to keep repeating this, because it isn't how it is countrywide. Each police force has a dedicated DV unit and you can follow up what the attending officer has said. When was the last incident of DV that wasn't taken seriously that you've or someone who you know, has happened?

This wasn’t the case for me. They came very quickly and they removed him from the property and told him not to come back for a few days to give me a chance to leave.

Always ring the police if anyone in your home punches anything, pushes you, or puts you in fear that they will hurt you.

@Stressedbadlydressed please do seek legal advice, log any abusive or intimidating or obstructive behaviours, and also consider reading Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft. Good luck, I hope this bit resolves quickly and in your favour.

Punching walls & verbal abuse is abuse. He is a risk to you.

Would get legal advice asap.

Hope OP is ok.

As I said, it’s unfair to expect women to do all the house work without proper agreement but again - unfortunately this happens a lot in society. Modern men don’t always come out and say it, as it is less socially acceptable than it was in the past but they just quietly leave the work to their female partners.

Research shows in a relationship where both are in paid work and contributing to the household financially, women still do more domestic labour than their male partner overall .

And yes I have a problem with that and actually wish that was more socially unacceptable than it is, because even as a millennial I know many couples who operate like this.

What I am also saying is that it is perfectly okay to expect women to do the majority of the housework and childcare in a traditional set up where the woman has agreed to stay at home and do so, while the man goes out and earns money.

And finally - the main point - this traditional set up, I have outlined above is not comparable to OPs situation!! Because this man isn’t pulling his weight at home OR being the breadwinner , plus OP didn’t consent to this set-up.

What is considered socially unacceptable is laziness and unfairness. Not the simple act of a woman doing all domestic labour.

Exactly this. Sheesh!! Is the poster on the wind up?!

I literally explained it all in my initial reply to them which they’ve selectively quoted from and disregarded the bulk of what I wrote, in order to act like they don’t understand the clear difference in the two scenarios.

Just stop with the false equivalences already!

I said upthread this man may turn very nasty and I think if I recall correctly someone suggested it’s unlikely he had a tendency towards violence.

I wasn’t thinking only of physical violence, when I said that but given OPs update about him punching walls, it seems he is capable of that anyway.

OP I’ve heard too many instances where this kind of prolonged break up goes wrong. The woman thinks she’s home free and is patiently waiting to divide things up, whereas the man is raging and vengeful because he’s lost his golden goose/housekeeper/cook.

If you can get some support like someone coming to visit or staying over as much as possible, or spending some nights outside the house please consider it.