AIBU to feel unsure about continuing an unexpected third pregnancy?

[Turtleseas]

My husband had some medical treatment which at that time, the doctor said would make most people infertile, we stopped contraception but two years later, I unexpectedly found I’m pregnant. We already have two primary school aged children. I really don’t know if I should carry on with the pregnancy or give it up.

Financially, we are in the process of moving houses. We will spend next three years building our dream house, so the cash flow will be tight for the next couple of years. We will ultimately have enough bedrooms but not for two/three years. We have big enough cars. Both our children go to private school, but we don’t think we can afford the third child’s school fees. DH suggested taking children out of private school and send all three to state school if we have the third baby, I feel very reluctant about that.

Travel is another thing. We go travel a lot, normally a luxury holiday every year and then several package holidays. Annual travel cost is about 40k to 50k. As a lot of hotel rooms don’t accommodate 2 adults 3 children, having a third baby means booking an extra room or suite. The travel cost will at be doubled, we will need to either book cheaper holidays or have less holidays.

We have almost zero family help. So previously we paid for nannies and babysitters to go through the difficult baby times. With a new baby, we will need some form of paid help to start with, but my main worry is once baby turn two and has his/her own needs, we just won’t have enough helping hands to sort out all the logistics.

We do spend a lot of time with our children. One of them needs some extra support. At the moment we can still handle all the bills from doctor appointments and therapy sessions. NHS waiting time is like one year and they won’t provide therapies to kids who go to independent school. So we have to pick up expensive bills. At home support is also very important apart from specialist therapies. So I also worry with a new baby we won’t have enough time and energy for my current children. Or even worse, what if the new baby also had special needs?

So sensibly we feel our current family is complete. The children live a happy and luxury life. Having another sibling might mean less going out, less holidays, less attention from parents or even changing schools for them. But termination is also the most difficult decision that a woman could ever make.

Hi OP,
Do you know how far gone you are?
It reads that you are giving a lot of valid reasons for this pregnancy to not continue and like you are happy with your life as it is. From what you’re saying the timing doesn’t sound great. But is it ever I guess!
What does your husband think?

Personally, I wouldn’t go through with the pregnancy.

I had a planned third child when my older two were 4 and 7, but a lot of our circumstances echo yours.

I am a teacher and I work in a private school so my kids get reduced fees. I was able to negotiate an additional reduction for the third. In my school, parents sometimes can negotiate under certain circumstances so this might be worth considering.

We have one car and my husband ordered a specialised car seat that covers the entire back seat in three custom made carseats suitable for their age/height and which grows with them. This made the car so much more spacious.

My husband and I travel a lot and that did not end when wr had the three. We do a mixture of Eurocamps, city breaks, sun holidays and the holidays of interest that dont fit into any of these categories. We are comfortably off but not rich and manage fine. My kids are in clubs. They can't do every club they want but we choose one each plus an instrument.

I feel like we have a luxurious and fun filled life and its even more adventurous since we had our third. She adds such a sparkle to our lives!

So, we had a third and not only maintained our standard of life but it was actually enhanced.

I also access private health care a good bit too.

I wouldn’t have the child if you don’t want it but I think things like going on fewer holidays are slightly selfish reasons to terminate!

I wouldn’t go ahead with the pregnancy in this situation.

I get your view op, i have also had to spend a lot on private health care for my kids because the nhs is so crap. I would focus on the existing life for your 2 kids.

State for primary is absolutely fine.

However you sound like a third child wouldn't be right for you.

You can easily afford a third child and would hope there is enough love to go around. Your reasons to terminate are shocking.

The “selfish” word does come in my mind! If it’s our first baby I would definitely consider it’s a minor sacrifice. But now it means changing the lifestyle for my 2 DC. My oldest is constantly asking where we go on holiday next. I don’t know how they will respond when they are old enough to figure out it’s their younger sibling make their lifestyle change. Will there be any resentment?

Just not wanting a change of lifestyle is a perfectly good reason to terminate

I had a planned third when other two were 4 and 6. I have to say it’s tough - having a toddler when the other two are much easier is difficult. I feel like I’m missing this time particularly with my eldest who would like to do more interesting things now rather than just playgrounds or soft plays which is all I can manage with the age gap.

We also like to travel and this hasn’t put too much of a stop. Plenty of hotel rooms can fit three but we prefer apartments/villas these days anyway to give the older ones more space.

they do absolutely adore him though and seeing their relationship has been amazing.

There will only be resentment if you lay the blame for fewer holidays on the new baby. It will be up to you how you handle situations. Your children will take their lead from you.

That is an appalling attitude.

Just have the baby and figure it out as and when. If your existing children grow up to resent their sibling because they got less holidays, they would need to give their head a wobble.

Don't have a 3rd if you don't want to but to spend £40k-50k on holidays doesn't mean you can't afford another child or private school. It's completely disingenous.

Just not wanting your life to change is a good enough reason not to have another child.

As long as you as a couple take serious measures to make sure you don’t end up in this same position again, you should feel no guilt about whatever decision you make.

Posting anon. I am currently pregnant with our 3rd, an unplanned surprise and we are also in the process of moving house. I had all the same reservations as you, and it took me ages to get my head around it all. We have a bigger gap between 1 and 2 and less than 2.5 with 2 and 3. I've continued the pregnancy and now I've adapted to it mentally, I am super happy. We had been on the fence about number 3, and it was more to do with stretching our capacity too far and changing the potential financial support/holidays and experiences we could offer the other two but truly now I've imagined a future with the three I know it's the right choice for us and we will figure out all the other bits along the way. Best of luck with whatever decision you come to

If we have some financial wobbles we don’t have to spend that much on holidays. Because last few years we were quite fortunate so we did splash a bit. But sending a child to private school is a commitment for years, at least now I can’t see a stable enough cash flow for that.

Think ahead twenty years - will you regret disposing of this child. You can simplify your holidays and use the cash for school fees.
My children of primary school age adored their baby sibling and they are still good friends.

Not really. Why should anyone have to have a child that will make their life( and the lives of current children) worse?

In fairness, OP's mention of their older child asking where they will go on holiday and that she wouldn't know how to tell them they've had to downgrade from a 50k holiday doesnt make me think the children will be much 'worse'. And again, I say that as someone who travels a lot and has three children.

How can you possibly know how the OP will feel in 20 years? Far better to regret an termination than a live birth.

This is not a family struggling for money, a teenager or rape victim. They are worried about giving up a couple of holidays for a few years. Priorities - do I give up a holiday or terminate baby number 3?