AIBU to feel unsure about continuing an unexpected third pregnancy?

[Turtleseas]

My husband had some medical treatment which at that time, the doctor said would make most people infertile, we stopped contraception but two years later, I unexpectedly found I’m pregnant. We already have two primary school aged children. I really don’t know if I should carry on with the pregnancy or give it up.

Financially, we are in the process of moving houses. We will spend next three years building our dream house, so the cash flow will be tight for the next couple of years. We will ultimately have enough bedrooms but not for two/three years. We have big enough cars. Both our children go to private school, but we don’t think we can afford the third child’s school fees. DH suggested taking children out of private school and send all three to state school if we have the third baby, I feel very reluctant about that.

Travel is another thing. We go travel a lot, normally a luxury holiday every year and then several package holidays. Annual travel cost is about 40k to 50k. As a lot of hotel rooms don’t accommodate 2 adults 3 children, having a third baby means booking an extra room or suite. The travel cost will at be doubled, we will need to either book cheaper holidays or have less holidays.

We have almost zero family help. So previously we paid for nannies and babysitters to go through the difficult baby times. With a new baby, we will need some form of paid help to start with, but my main worry is once baby turn two and has his/her own needs, we just won’t have enough helping hands to sort out all the logistics.

We do spend a lot of time with our children. One of them needs some extra support. At the moment we can still handle all the bills from doctor appointments and therapy sessions. NHS waiting time is like one year and they won’t provide therapies to kids who go to independent school. So we have to pick up expensive bills. At home support is also very important apart from specialist therapies. So I also worry with a new baby we won’t have enough time and energy for my current children. Or even worse, what if the new baby also had special needs?

So sensibly we feel our current family is complete. The children live a happy and luxury life. Having another sibling might mean less going out, less holidays, less attention from parents or even changing schools for them. But termination is also the most difficult decision that a woman could ever make.

That's only really relevant if you're sometimes in favour of forced birth. The right to choose doesn't hinge on wealth or circumstance, not wanting a pregnancy for any reason is enough.

Wait, so only people struggling for money, teenage or rape victims should be terminating? Utter rubbish.

I’d say that OP has more than “holidays” as the reason:

• in middle of building a house
• one child with additional needs
• no family support around
• unsteady finances for next few years
• would need to move children from their school(s) to accommodate 3rd

It matters not that any of these reasons are determined to be “selfish” or not, lifestyle change for everyone in the family is as valid as any other.

Why? No woman should have to have a baby she doesn't want, particularly when it's very early on.

Women can terminate for ANY reason they want. I would certainly terminate for more holidays because I don't think termination is a sin, and I don't need to be a teen or a rape victim to terminate.

It isn't a child yet. No woman should be forced to have a baby she doesn't want, even if other people may find her reasons 'superficial'. It's not anybody else's choice to make.

OP AIBU is not really the place for this. You can report your post so MN can move it.

I highly recommend non-directive pregnancy choices counseling to help you make up your mind. But you wouldn't be alone, it's not uncommon to terminate after having children for a myriad of reasons.

It sounds as if you definitely don’t want this baby and your DH is perhaps more on board with it.

Not wanting to continue a pregnancy is a very valid reason for termination.

Flush away? Oh don't be so melodramatic.

Why should a termination be justified anyway?

Oh well. If you don't want an abortion don't have one.
Though OP has not used it as contraception.
OP, you don't seem like you want another baby. Neither would I. In your place, I would terminate.

Abortion cannot be used as contraception. How does abortion prevent conception? You need to have conceived in order to have one, you daft article.

The correct term is birth control.

It all depends on your attitude to abortion. It must be easier when you don't feel unsure.

I’m amazed so many posters are on board with this? surely because you might not to be able to afford as much luxury cannot be a legit reason for termination? What? An actual baby that so many people would LOVE to have you’re considering throwing away over private school fees and holidays? Wow

Unbelievable comments on here. So OP must have a baby she doesn't want because other people are infertile?
Wow.
Have I strayed onto the Vatican message board?

OP I sympathise with your situation but only YOU can decide what to do. I wouldn’t think posting here is a good idea because you’re going to get trolls making rude and hateful comments which aren’t constructive.

there is a such a huge ethical consideration here, nobody is saying because other people experience infertility that abortions shouldn’t happen, but to terminate a pregnancy over something as trivial as affording holidays is a real dystopian attitude, I’m pro choice but surely choice has to come with morality too

Whether other people would ‘love’ a child or not has no bearing here.

Travel is another thing. We go travel a lot, normally a luxury holiday every year and then several package holidays. Annual travel cost is about 40k to 50k. As a lot of hotel rooms don’t accommodate 2 adults 3 children, having a third baby means booking an extra room or suite. The travel cost will at be doubled, we will need to either book cheaper holidays or have less holidays

Have a termination for any reason you choose - you don't have to justify it. BUT you are catastrophising. Taking five people abroad is absolutely not 'double' the cost of four. Even when you find somewhere that requires two rooms.

We have 3 dc and accomodation wise, it definitely can be a PITA. You have to look harder and some options won't be options anymore. But it's still 'fine' and if I had to estimate, i'd say you end up paying about 30% more for 5 than 4. Nowhere near double.

It is you who are saying OP will regret keeping the child and to dispose of it.
I said will she regret.
I was in the position of the older children DM did not want children but wanted the high life and holidays.

You aren’t pro choice then. Pro choice means pro CHOICE and it is OPs choice.

OP, why not call BPAS and get some counselling.
I am too old to get pregnant now but if I had got pregnant with a third child, I would have terminated even though we could have easily afforded three children and I am pretty healthy. For the simple reason that I didn't want three children. That's a good enough reason.

There is no morality attached to a termination of pregnancy - only choice. Every child born should be wanted and If a pregnant woman doesn’t want the child, she should have the right to terminate for any reason she likes.

Edit for a typo. And also to add, I think your reasons are perfectly valid OP, because they are your reasons.

My third has brought so much joy to our lives and we manage private school and holidays. We have two or three holidays a year but spend nowhere near £50k.

Do t underestimate how much joy your children will get from another sibling. Ours is the light of her siblings life