AIBU to feel unsure about continuing an unexpected third pregnancy?

[Turtleseas]

My husband had some medical treatment which at that time, the doctor said would make most people infertile, we stopped contraception but two years later, I unexpectedly found I’m pregnant. We already have two primary school aged children. I really don’t know if I should carry on with the pregnancy or give it up.

Financially, we are in the process of moving houses. We will spend next three years building our dream house, so the cash flow will be tight for the next couple of years. We will ultimately have enough bedrooms but not for two/three years. We have big enough cars. Both our children go to private school, but we don’t think we can afford the third child’s school fees. DH suggested taking children out of private school and send all three to state school if we have the third baby, I feel very reluctant about that.

Travel is another thing. We go travel a lot, normally a luxury holiday every year and then several package holidays. Annual travel cost is about 40k to 50k. As a lot of hotel rooms don’t accommodate 2 adults 3 children, having a third baby means booking an extra room or suite. The travel cost will at be doubled, we will need to either book cheaper holidays or have less holidays.

We have almost zero family help. So previously we paid for nannies and babysitters to go through the difficult baby times. With a new baby, we will need some form of paid help to start with, but my main worry is once baby turn two and has his/her own needs, we just won’t have enough helping hands to sort out all the logistics.

We do spend a lot of time with our children. One of them needs some extra support. At the moment we can still handle all the bills from doctor appointments and therapy sessions. NHS waiting time is like one year and they won’t provide therapies to kids who go to independent school. So we have to pick up expensive bills. At home support is also very important apart from specialist therapies. So I also worry with a new baby we won’t have enough time and energy for my current children. Or even worse, what if the new baby also had special needs?

So sensibly we feel our current family is complete. The children live a happy and luxury life. Having another sibling might mean less going out, less holidays, less attention from parents or even changing schools for them. But termination is also the most difficult decision that a woman could ever make.

I mean - the point you stopped using contraception was surely the point that you accepted the arrival of the third child, surely? Because obviously no one sensible hears “would make most people infertile” and then merrily bins the contraception without first checking whether they’ve fallen into the “most” category 🤦🏻‍♀️ Unless they actually want a third child.

ETA - I’m trying really hard to ignore the embarrassing amount spent on holidays and the inability to parent without paid help…

I’m a nasty piece of work because I think that sacrificing business class travel for my annual luxury holiday would be worth it for another baby?

I am pro abortion, I just worry that once it’s done it can’t be undone and the reasons in favour of an abortion in OP’s case seem to be fear of change of luxury lifestyle which, whilst totally valid, are more likely to lead to regret in my view than were she saying we would not be able to afford to house and feed another child etc.

Ultimately although I agree that any woman can terminate any pregnancy for any reason, I want to make sure this OP can live with her decision

But it's NOT YOU that is unexpectedly pregnant.

And if the OP continues with the pregnancy and has a baby that can't be undone either

Imagine if she felt pressured into having this baby and it tuned out to have major disabilities that shatter the whole family dynamics, including financially.

I'm pretty sure she would regret that to

She asked for advice and opinions, I’ve offered mine.

It differs from yours.

Both ways could be regretful and catastrophic for different reasons but there’s no reason at all to jump down my throat aggressively because we have different opinions about what OP should do when she canvassed views in the first place!

There’s nothing at all wrong with wanting the lifestyle you’ve worked and planned for, and nothing wrong with terminating in order to maintain it. Having an abortion isn’t something you need to justify - if you don’t want a third child, you don’t have to have a third child. So what if there will be some that don’t like your choice? You don’t need them to.

You made a mistake with contraception, but that doesn’t mean you have to remain pregnant as some form of perverse punishment. For what it’s worth, abortion really doesn’t have to be this major, deeply traumatic event in your life. For a lot of us it isn’t that at all.

The comment about maybe not fly business class was unnecessary

(This sounds like a real issue that needs to be sorted. If my child was behaving like this I wouldn't be worrying how to keep them in the lifestyle they desired but how to ensure they understood how lucky they were and that such things are not to be taken for granted!)

I firmly believe you should have access to an abortion as when you want and need one. The decision is yours.

FWIW, I have 3 dc and they have a brilliant time. They have travelled plenty and done loads of clubs and activities. We do not have anything like your finances. I am one of 3 and love having my siblings. It has never occurred to anyone in those triplets that the third means they get less money spent on them - why would it? You could equally argue that your first could feel like that about your second?

OP.

I think the mistake here is trying to justify a decision. Other people would take your reasons and come to different conclusions. Because they're not you.

As others have said, you don't have to continue a pregnancy you don't want to continue. You don't need other people to agree with your decision making - they have no skin in the game.

I love having 3 dc and wouldn't dream of private schools for mine. Irrelevant!

My children have lovely personalities and they love babies. They actually asked for baby siblings as some of their school friends are getting new babies. But children don’t understand the implications of bringing a new life to the world. I’m just guessing when they grow up will they ever wonder how will life be different without the baby sibling? When we were searching for the new house, we heard some stories about people having major arguing over how much money they each get by selling deceased parents house. Money is a funny thing, even between siblings.

Your priority is obviously money first and foremost.

No it’s not. A woman (in the UK) can terminate for any reason at all, just not wanting a baby is absolutely fine as a reason. It’s her body.

We need to preserve our rights to bodily autonomy in the face of increasingly more repressive thinking coming from the far right, manosphere, “religious” (but not really, just for control) misogynistic men.

Honestly it should be, providing a safe and secure home for children is very important and in our society that includes money. Unfortunately in this country too many people are popping out kids left right and centre with no money.

Just to chime in here, not every woman regrets having an abortion.

Edited for typo.

This is a very strange attitude. You're criticising the OP for things that aren't criticisms.

The choice is of course yours. However I think you are worrying far too much about what your older children will think and whether they will resent their sibling because they have less holidays and material goods.
I'm one of three and I have 3 children. I dont think this has ever entered any of our minds.
I'd much rather have my siblings (and I know my children feel the same )than a few extra weeks on a sandy beach.

I would be surprised if my older children resented younger children unless the pressure for resources was a matter of survival. If luxury holidays were to become a bone of contention, I would feel it was a sign of my own inability to instill a moral compass rather than a failure to provide satisfactory living standards.

@Turtleseas it sounds like you know well what your capacity is in terms of energy and the time you want to give to your kids. Despite some challenges (your DC2’s needs) you have found the sweet spot where you have the life you want. And that is something many people never find. If I were you I’d protect it for my own sanity as well as for my existing children.
what if the third child had some severe needs that will not only impact what you foresee now but also results in a lot of time and resources spent to support those needs? For many people who adore and enjoy their unexpectedly conceived child there are plenty of people who say that they shouldn’t have proceeded with pregnancy.

You don’t need to come up with financial justifications - if you don’t want a third child, that’s enough reason on its own.

On the other hand if you want a third child, it’s clear you could manage- albeit things would be a little more stretched than now, but still fine by anyone’s standards.

Ultimately the only question is do you, and your DH, want a third child or not.

“minipie · Today 23:19
You don’t need to come up with financial justifications - if you don’t want a third child, that’s enough reason on its own.”

This with bells on.

The vast majority of people in the UK can’t afford private school, several holidays a year, nannies/paid help for babies. You’ve cited that ‘cash flow is tight’ but all I see is the fact you can afford 10 children if you wanted if you didn’t pay for all of those luxuries. Money isn’t an issue for you.

If you don’t want a third child then that’s absolutely fine but be honest to yourself about why you don’t want a third. My reason for sticking to one is birth trauma and difficult baby stage.

That's great. This comment made them sound pretty entitled:

My oldest is constantly asking where we go on holiday next

I personally would be very worried by my primary aged child demanding to know where and when the next holiday is as you have described. You make them sound spoilt and entitled and I would be worried by this if they were my child, not worried about how to ensure I maintain the supply of holidays for them!

Siblings could fall out about almost anything but it would be a very strange person who grew up citing the loss of frequent luxury holidays in primary school as a reason to resent their younger sibling.

None of this is a reason for continuing a pregnancy you don't want btw.

It’s a cluster of cells in the early days, then a fetus.

It doesn’t MATTER if other people would love to have a child! OP is hardly going to put it up for auction is she?

Again for the hard of thinking, NO woman has to “justify” having a termination. Just not wanting another child is enough.

Exactly.

I would have a termination.

In your situation I would 100% prioritise my existing kids and have an abortion.