AIBU to feel unsure about continuing an unexpected third pregnancy?

[Turtleseas]

My husband had some medical treatment which at that time, the doctor said would make most people infertile, we stopped contraception but two years later, I unexpectedly found I’m pregnant. We already have two primary school aged children. I really don’t know if I should carry on with the pregnancy or give it up.

Financially, we are in the process of moving houses. We will spend next three years building our dream house, so the cash flow will be tight for the next couple of years. We will ultimately have enough bedrooms but not for two/three years. We have big enough cars. Both our children go to private school, but we don’t think we can afford the third child’s school fees. DH suggested taking children out of private school and send all three to state school if we have the third baby, I feel very reluctant about that.

Travel is another thing. We go travel a lot, normally a luxury holiday every year and then several package holidays. Annual travel cost is about 40k to 50k. As a lot of hotel rooms don’t accommodate 2 adults 3 children, having a third baby means booking an extra room or suite. The travel cost will at be doubled, we will need to either book cheaper holidays or have less holidays.

We have almost zero family help. So previously we paid for nannies and babysitters to go through the difficult baby times. With a new baby, we will need some form of paid help to start with, but my main worry is once baby turn two and has his/her own needs, we just won’t have enough helping hands to sort out all the logistics.

We do spend a lot of time with our children. One of them needs some extra support. At the moment we can still handle all the bills from doctor appointments and therapy sessions. NHS waiting time is like one year and they won’t provide therapies to kids who go to independent school. So we have to pick up expensive bills. At home support is also very important apart from specialist therapies. So I also worry with a new baby we won’t have enough time and energy for my current children. Or even worse, what if the new baby also had special needs?

So sensibly we feel our current family is complete. The children live a happy and luxury life. Having another sibling might mean less going out, less holidays, less attention from parents or even changing schools for them. But termination is also the most difficult decision that a woman could ever make.

I have not seen your deleted posts but I can imagine … hope you’re not treating your patients to any views that warrant deletion like that.

IF you are a doctor

A woman can terminate a pregnancy (not a child) for ANY reason, it’s HER body and HER choice.

A third child will dramatically change their lives, circumstances, finances, for at least 20 years. Of course she has the right to decide if they want that or not. It’s not just “holidays” , it’s their entire lives. Focussing on this one point is low critical thinking.

Personally I couldn’t live with myself knowing I’d aborted my baby to continue to spend £50,000 a year on holidays. What insane priorities.

Put that money on increasing your mortgage or paying the third lot of school fees instead.

I’m pro choice, but frankly the reasons some women now give for terminating healthy babies makes me sick.

Haha suspected as much.

Not quite the Gotcha you thought it was, eh kitty kitty?

The key word here is ' personally". You wouldn't be able to live with it. I could. The OP may.
The word ' but" after 'pro-choice'.means you are not pro-choice.
And it's not a baby. It's either a bunch of cells or a foetus.
It's so plain the OP does not want this baby.

So you're not pro choice then.

No one is making you terminate a pregnancy. So you can live with yourself

And how can you be " pro choice". ?Is it only pro choice when it's reasons you agree with

Wow, this thread is pretty disturbing. So wealthy aren't allowed to be pro-choice, basically. Wow.

You're not pro choice then.

So let me get this straight.
You and your husband already have two kids in private school, blow £40/50k a year on luxury holidays, are building your “dream house,” and previously hired nannies because you have almost zero family help. A doctor told you the treatment would likely make you infertile, you stopped contraception, and two years later you’re pregnant. Surprise.
Now the main objections to keeping the baby are:
You might have to take the existing kids out of private school
You might have to book an extra hotel room or take slightly less extravagant holidays
You might not be able to afford the same level of paid help
One of your current children needs extra support and you worry the new one might too
In other words: the lifestyle is more important than the child.
You’re not describing poverty. You’re describing the temporary inconvenience of having one more person in a high-consumption household that currently prioritises private education, frequent luxury travel, and paid domestic help. Plenty of people with far less money and far more constraints raise three (or more) children without treating it like a catastrophe.
Termination is a serious decision. Framing it primarily around “we might have to downgrade the holidays and possibly use state schools for a few years” makes it sound less like a heartbreaking moral dilemma and more like a lifestyle audit. If the answer is genuinely that the family is already complete and you can’t (or won’t) adjust, then say that clearly. Just don’t pretend the main issue is some tragic lack of resources when the actual issue is a strong preference for the current level of comfort and attention.

Why are posters trying to project their own feelings onto the OP? For some of you, it may be a heartbreaking moral dilemma. For me, it wouldn't be. Really. I would terminate for more holidays because I want to travel more than I want any more kids!
Seems likely that it won"t be for the OP either.

We have the unexpected third baby but quickly really really wanted them

you don’t sound like you want this baby or will enjoy them. I think terminate

You can only be pro-choice if you are poor, a teen mum or a poor teen mum. Those are the 'good' reasons for having an abortion.

Yes I can see this POV

Then you aren't pro-choice.

It isn’t a ‘heartbreaking moral dilemma’ for all of us, or anything other than a straightforward decision to make. There’s no inherent need to agonize and wring your hands about it.

Why should she want to downgrade her family’s lifestyle when they’ve worked and planned to provide precisely what they have now? An unplanned and unwanted pregnancy is no reason to upend their current lives. It doesn’t matter if others make do with less, OP neither has to nor wants too. There’s nothing wrong with that.

You are NOT pro-choice.

As a side note, if your husband had treatment that was likely to have rendered him infertile, I would be very concerned about what impact that may have had on the quality of his sperm.

There have been studies that have found that damage to sperm increases the risk of neurodevelopmental conditions in children.

She isn't pretending anything. It's ok for the OP to want the material comforts she has. She hasn't done anything wrong. And I say that as someone who would give anything to have another baby.

They shouldnt - that’s why we use contraception 🙃

Shit happens. No reason to upend your life as a result when you don’t have to.

Tbh I think some of it is based on hostility towards OP’s financial circumstances.

“She’s not struggling, and it’s not fair that she’s not struggling. She should have to struggle! How dare those spoilt brats be enjoying first class travel and private school.”

An unplanned pregnancy can often be a dilemma. It does affect your lifestyle, your spending, your time with each child. But only you can decide what sacrifices you are willing to make to have this child. If you are not willing to make them, then perhaps termination is the best option for you.

I had an unplanned third pregnancy. It was a shock, and caused some worry, but it never once occurred to me to terminate. It's just not something I could personally do. DH and I just had to work out the logistics of how we would organise our time and money. If we went on fewer holidays, well, that's just the way it would be. And that was fine with us. Having that third baby (she's now 21) was the best decision I ever made. Not really a decision, actually, just something we got on and coped with, because in my mind there wasn't an alternative.

We were lucky enough to still had several holidays a year, but they were mostly camping breaks in the UK, with perhaps one foreign holiday (and done on a budget). I've never flown first class/business class in my life, so didn't have to give that up! Couldn't have afforded private school for one child, let alone three. No nannies or much family help. We worked around the kids, so one of us was always at home with them, and they got plenty of attention.

But that's me. Not you. Luxury holidays and first class travel were not important to me (they'd have been nice, but not important), and I'd never choose them over the life of my unborn baby. No judgment on what's important to you though, we're all different. Only you can decide whether giving up some of the things that seem important to you are worth it to have this child. And how would you feel if you had a termination? I'm sure everyone deals with this differently, some can move past it better than others, although I am sure it is always difficult.

Crikey that's smug.

House -tick - as you’re already moving to a bigger place. Baby doesn’t need own room for a long time yet.

School - think of all the cash freed up if you move your two to state, at least for primary?

Holidays - one less holiday per year will cover the cost if the extra hotel room needed on the others.

Support - very important. Sounds like you can afford a part time nanny though? You’ll have a network of other parents of your kids classmates. Build from that. You can do reciprocal play dates etc.