AIBU to feel unsure about continuing an unexpected third pregnancy?

[Turtleseas]

My husband had some medical treatment which at that time, the doctor said would make most people infertile, we stopped contraception but two years later, I unexpectedly found I’m pregnant. We already have two primary school aged children. I really don’t know if I should carry on with the pregnancy or give it up.

Financially, we are in the process of moving houses. We will spend next three years building our dream house, so the cash flow will be tight for the next couple of years. We will ultimately have enough bedrooms but not for two/three years. We have big enough cars. Both our children go to private school, but we don’t think we can afford the third child’s school fees. DH suggested taking children out of private school and send all three to state school if we have the third baby, I feel very reluctant about that.

Travel is another thing. We go travel a lot, normally a luxury holiday every year and then several package holidays. Annual travel cost is about 40k to 50k. As a lot of hotel rooms don’t accommodate 2 adults 3 children, having a third baby means booking an extra room or suite. The travel cost will at be doubled, we will need to either book cheaper holidays or have less holidays.

We have almost zero family help. So previously we paid for nannies and babysitters to go through the difficult baby times. With a new baby, we will need some form of paid help to start with, but my main worry is once baby turn two and has his/her own needs, we just won’t have enough helping hands to sort out all the logistics.

We do spend a lot of time with our children. One of them needs some extra support. At the moment we can still handle all the bills from doctor appointments and therapy sessions. NHS waiting time is like one year and they won’t provide therapies to kids who go to independent school. So we have to pick up expensive bills. At home support is also very important apart from specialist therapies. So I also worry with a new baby we won’t have enough time and energy for my current children. Or even worse, what if the new baby also had special needs?

So sensibly we feel our current family is complete. The children live a happy and luxury life. Having another sibling might mean less going out, less holidays, less attention from parents or even changing schools for them. But termination is also the most difficult decision that a woman could ever make.

I'm not saying that the OP will regret having another child or that she'd regret a termination. I'm saying that that's unknowable to anyone other than the OP and possibly even to her at the moment.

But it really pisses me off when people warn that a woman may regret a termination but not that they may regret having another child. Especially as the latter is far more harmful.

If you were sure you didn't want anymore children it was a bit silly to stop using contraception because your husband. 'Might' be infertile.

Look im totally pro choice. Its your decision. You don't need anyone on here to tell you what to do.

However you are obviously intelligent enough to know you will get some pretty shitty responses considering an abortion cos you will have to stop spending 50k a year on holidays when many people on here live off half that. Oh and not being able to afford school fees for one more. But this you know.

If not wanting to downgrade your holidays feels like such a concern then I suggest you don't want this pregnancy and shouldn't have the child.
If you wanted the baby then that sort of thing wouldn't be a concern, you wouldn't think twice about a camping in Wales over luxury abroad.
That's OK, your family is complete and you like life the way it is. It's fine to feel that and worse to have a child you might regret and a life you don't want.

On the holiday topic, if you can afford £50k on holidays are you really going to want to keep sharing one room with your kids as they get older? You’ll probably end up paying for two rooms anyway.

I think you’d be mad to have another. There are no good reasons to actually do it.

Personally I’d choose my miracle baby over a few luxury holidays

Reading your description. You dont want this pregnancy.
You dont have to justify or find a reason to terminate. Do whats right for you.

Exactly. Totally agree with you. I holiday several times a year in 5 star hotels and my ds has his own room. I spend nowhere near 50k. Bizarre 😱

NC.
Having had a third with same sort of age gap I'd say don't do it. Everything is so much harder and our lives would be very different with the two. If you are having doubts, which you are, then don't do it.

I'm sorry your thread went to hell OP and I wouldn't blame you if you don't come back, you don't need to defend your choices they're no ones buisiness.

What a fucking shocking attitude some of you have to another woman, just as bad as Trump and the other americans who think your body their choice. I hope none of you have daughters to guilt into having children they don't want. Vile.

Exactly. Why should any woman be forced to continue a pregnancy for whatever reason

I’m one of three and we travelled a lot as kids/teenagers. Once your older ones are a little older they won’t want to share with mum and dad anyway and you will likely have two rooms at that stage anyway. There are also options like villas and air bnbs etc etc. I also reckon your DC will love their sibling enough that they won’t resent them for something like that.

Obviously if you just don’t want another child that’s completely fine and is your choice but I worry you’ll regret not continuing with the pregnancy if you base it on reasons like this when, in a few years, these burdens will likely come anyway with 2 DC and will be much less prominent once new baby is older.

Only you know what’s right for your family and it’s a tough decision OP and I feel for you

These abortion threads really are a platonic for the pro-lifers aren't they? And their posts are always so emotive. Like a 14 yr old in a catholic school RE lesson.

If you don't want a third baby, don't have one. Pretty sure my gran wouldn't have had 7 children, if she'd had the choice. We could have just about have afforded a 3rd. But there's no way in hell I would have wanted one; largely because I liked my life and body the way they were after dc 2 and had no desire to fuck them up.

To be fair, any child who doesn't get £50000 of holidays a year might as well never have been born. Can you imagine the resentment and the deprivation?

I'm saving up for counselling for when our four realise that an idyllic week swimming, cliff diving, hiking and surfing in wales for £1500 did them some deep irreparable harm.

Could you put them all in state school for primary and use that time to save up for either private tuition or the fees to put them in private for secondary? I think they’d be more well rounded having experienced both then too.

I know! I seen to have wandered into the Handmaid's Tale

OP i would give my right arm for a third baby (DH says no) but there's nothing in your post that suggests you actually want this baby. If that's the case I think you know what's best to do, even though it feels hard. I feel for you, life is not straightforward.

You've just made yourself look a bit daft with this to be honest

I would absolutely prioritize your current family and lifestyle. It’s irrelevant that others make do with less, you don’t have to if you don’t want to. That’s perfectly valid.

Abortion doesn’t have to be a difficult decision at all. It wasn’t for me.

Oh, it's A Handmaids Tale here all right.

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Selfish? Yeah. It's her life. It's ok to be selfish when it's your own life isn't it?

Money vs baby? You can make adjustments.