AIBU to ask who pays the bill when dating or in a relationship?

[CardboardBoxesLily]

When you’re out at a restaurant and the bill comes, how common is it to expect the man to pay?

The thought of the woman whipping her card out and paying whilst the man sits back being ‘spoiled’ by his woman just feels wrong and awkward to me.

Is that completely outdated now? Does the man not feel uncomfortable being paid for by a woman? What do other people do?

Not looking for replies saying ‘we’re married so it’s all one pot’. Specifically asking when dating/long-term relationships where finances are still separate.

Lol not all of us on dates are planning to have kids with the guys.I knew my current partner as a friend before we started dating. There was never any chance of us having kids, not least as I was in my. 40s and he'd had the snip 20 odd years previously.

Although he did pay for the first meal date.

But if we go out for drinks for example we buy rounds etc

DH paid for the drinks on our first date and I paid for the bowling, he booked and paid for a ghost walk for the following weekend the day after our first date but we split the drinks. I remember people on the ghost walk asking us how long we had been dating and the shocked looks we got when we told them it was only our second date. We continued splitting every thing during the first six months of dating. After six months we had a week away together and then we met the parents (for different reasons we were both still living with our parents at the time). We talked about marriage and building a real life together six months after we met and continued to split everything. We also started flat hunting together. Even now we both pay an equal share of the bills based on our own income. We have been together around 10 and a half years, living together just over 9 years and married 7 years

Yes and its funny other people are accused of being tight when it is there money expected to be paid

I am a grown woman i dont need to be taken care of like I am a princess

One of the many reasons I am atill with my husbamd for over 30 years is he treats me like an equal always has and I respect him for that

When i have been in a relationship, apart from first dare, when the man paid we then paid alternately. I think thst is fair. Why should one person always pay?

We're married and we still take it in turns. I don't expect him to pay because a) I'm an adult b) it's 2026 and c) we both work. I have a very low opinion of women who expect the man to pay.

Neither does going 50/50 as this thread proves

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5564724-my-husband-wants-me-to-pay-more-towards-the-bills?page=4

Even decades ago I would go expecting to pay for myself, though the guys would insist on paying! This was even meeting up for drinks, they would stand up and go to the bar so next round I would say no it's my turn.

When going out with friends I've observed it's often the husbands who go to the bar or pay for the meal. DH and I take it in turns.

I went out my DH the other day and the bill came to £80ish. I put my card down, but when the waitress came over she looked at DH expectantly so he picked up my card and tapped it on the reader 😆

But before we were in the one-pot lifestyle, we'd just take it in turns to pay, or if one of us felt more flush than the other we'd treat each other.

Good grief that attitude is very outdated. Surely most people take it in turns to pay. When we go on holiday or something like that, we use Splitwise for expenses/tickets etc but when there take it turns to pay for things, but we both keep a sort of mental rough tab to make sure someone doesn't have lots of cheap days where you have a croissant from the bakery for breakfast, don't eat lunch, spend the day doing free activities and then the next person's day involves 3 meals out, ice creams and entrance tickets to tourist attractions, else that would be very unfair.

I don't think anyone is being 'spoiled'. You are both enjoying the activity and making sure costs are split evenly. I don't see why anyone should freeload of the other, regardless of gender

Also, these days women very often earn more than their partners. That's certainly the case in my immediate circle.

That thread isn’t about 5050 on dates - it’s about family finances where one is part time because of children and earning a lot less, but the DH wanting both that and 50 50 money. We’re not saying “all money contributions all the way through life have to always be exactly the same” - when you have a shared family and family finances it’s different. I earn a lot more so contribute a lot more, for instance.

This is about dating, attitudes and not expecting to be permanently “treated”.

Its hardly onerous to keep track of whether or not someone's bought a round or not, or whether they've offered to go halves on dinner the first time you go. It's not just women who don't pay that I think of as freeloaders, I'm bisexual and I balked at men who didn't pay equally while dating just as much.

I'm not tight, I'm fairly generous with family and other people I love, I was just never particularly interested in being taken advantage of by someone I barely know.

Once actually in a relationship, I'm not keeping score any more. Everyone I've been with for more than a couple of months has been more of less even, up until DP, who's the only woman I've lived with. DD was born before we moved in together, so I've always been the higher earner. As I said in the last message, I cover most things, bills, holidays, pensions, shopping. Mostly DP's wage goes towards her own fun money.

And to answer your question with regards to 50% labour. No, I've mostly not done as much as her, but I'm in work 5 days a week compared to DP's 2 - 3 days, and I pull my weight when I'm home.

Pay half each, take it in turns to pay or pay for what you each have yourselves.

We took turns while dating and the person paying chose the restaurant (or cooked). Worked for us as DP is a bit of a foodie and had a good job, whereas I was struggling on minimum wage. So we both got to be the host, plan for and spoil the other but within our own budgets.

The reason i linked that thread on page 4 and NOT from the start is because i asked the OP ON PAGE FOUR whether it had been 50/50 right from the start and right from dating and she replied also on page four that yes it had.

Is MN basically saying that a man always paying on dates is a red flag but a man always insisting on 50/50 isnt. Because gold diggers really seem to have lowered their standards since the 80s Now all thats required to get this label is to recieve a free carbonara

We met at uni and as soon as we graduated and moved in together we opened a joint account and paid 50:50 in to it. We used this when going out.

Prior to that we would both get cash out before we went out and paid cash 50:50. Or if we put it on one person's card the other would buy something later. We have been together 20 years and back then places were less willing or split the bill for card payments. We felt it was a bit ridiculous and trying to keep up with £10 here and £20 here and a joint account made much more sense. We have our own personal accounts too but over the years more and more spending has shifted to the joint account. Pre contactless payments going to £100 it was usually me that paid the bill as I'm better at remembering my pin. Quite often they automatically pass the card reader to my partner though

I think if I was starting out again I would split each bill 50:50 if we were in similar financial positions at the table.

Ah I see - I’m on the mumsnet app and the link doesn’t take me to page 4 of that thread, it just links the whole thread (no “pages” on the app).

Yes it’s a good point - 5050 from the start doesn’t mean he’s definitely a good one. But I just really personally dislike any whiff of a man wanting to do all the paying and the “looking after his princess” type thing - it’s an enormous turn off for me and really feels like he’d not see me as an equal partner and more of a thing to look after. And sure there could be men who that’s not the case for - but I don’t like that “old fashioned” assumption at all, I find it very disempowering.

So yeah, I am saying a man always insisting on paying while dating would be a red flag for me, but I agree that him being comfortable with 5050 isn’t a guaranteed sign of a perfect person either.

I agree but there are some men who will only take the bits of feminism that benefit them financially and unfortunately for that OP she is married to one of them.

Dating, should be the man the majority of the time. Long term, probably a bit of both, depending on incomes, but more often the man

When dating, split 50/50
I simply wouldn't (continue to) date anyone who expected me to pay just because we have different equipment downstairs 🤷

Dating I think it should be 50/50

In a relationship we tend to pay for different things, but it evens out. He will more often pay for food, while I will book and pay for tickets to events etc.

Why?

Agree, 50/50 usually.

I would expect roughly 50/50. But probably with some skewing towards a higher earlier in a long term relationship. Not at first though, 50/50 first.

No he's not. That is a legacy from the distant past when men were breadwinners and women were possessions