AIBU to ask who pays the bill when dating or in a relationship?

[CardboardBoxesLily]

When you’re out at a restaurant and the bill comes, how common is it to expect the man to pay?

The thought of the woman whipping her card out and paying whilst the man sits back being ‘spoiled’ by his woman just feels wrong and awkward to me.

Is that completely outdated now? Does the man not feel uncomfortable being paid for by a woman? What do other people do?

Not looking for replies saying ‘we’re married so it’s all one pot’. Specifically asking when dating/long-term relationships where finances are still separate.

Mostly dh paid because he earned 10x my salary. He still often does unless it’s a pay by app place because he’s rubbish with tech

I paid when me and my partner first got together as he was broke and in a lot of debt - which he was honest about - and I, although not rolling in money, was more financially stable.

I did say though then, that I did it because I could and wanted to and that he could pay me back later on if we were still together years later and had children and I was a sham. Well we've now been together a few years and along has come the dc and with a job change I'm now earning a considerable amount less and he pays for virtually all meals out. The only time I do is when it's a celebration for him or I know he's low on funds until the next payday.

But it was all because I knew of friends who would split 50/50 and literally get a calculator out and I thought I don't want it to be like that not think oh this meal costs more than the meal he paid for.

Too add we have separate back accounts and don't have a shared pot and this is due to being burnt by previous partners and so we were both in agreement on this. I paid more for bills and living expenses when we first moved together and now it's more him.

50/50 or take turns for me. Never had a man pay for absolutely everything

When take turns.
When one of has been a student/unemployed then the one in employment has paid more.

The thought of the woman whipping her card out and paying whilst the man sits back being ‘spoiled’ by his woman just feels wrong and awkward to me

As opposed to the man whipping out his card and paying whilst the woman sits back being spoiled by her man"?
What's the difference?

It would be interesting to hear answers from say under 25s and over 40s, I wonder if Gen Z are more likely to be 50/50. I’m nearer to 40 and while I’d expect to offer I wouldn’t be offended if he paid, that expectation was prevalent enough in my youth I know it’s not meant in a condescending way.

Why should men pay all the time? I'd offer at the very least on a first date.

In my ltr we take turns proportionally to our incomes. Sometimes it's a me treat, sometimes his.

I'm glad women and men aren't accepting 'the bloke always pays' bs any more. Women worked hard to get to where we are now (still a long way to go though, reading through the comments on this thread).

The thought of the woman whipping her card out and paying whilst the man sits back being ‘spoiled’ by his woman just feels wrong and awkward to me.

Isn't the thought of a woman always sitting back and getting spoiled just as awkward though?

I always paid my own way on dates.

I had no interest in or need for a free meal and sure as shit didnt want to feel I owed them anything.

Indeed. I like "spoiling" DH when I can, he works bloody hard for us!

This is what I do. I certainly don’t expect a man to pay for everything, whether it’s a date or a relationship.

DH always paid when we were dating. That was also the case for my previous relationships.

Why on earth are women's preparation for the date relevant?

Unless you're a high quality date setting a test of course 🙄

My DH normally paid. I would pay for the occasional meal out. But it was usually him.

When dating I would always offer to pay my share

I'd like to know what a high quality date is. I'm curious.

When I dated it was always the man who paid, I'd attempt to pay or even go dutch but the man always insisted.

Whomever asked out pays on the first date, from there it is probably fifty-fifty, unless one person earns way more.

We took it in turns. I can’t imagine letting a bloke pay for everything. I’d be embarrassed. Do women who expect men to pay for everything have no pride?

Take turns

why should you think that men shouldn’t be spoilt as much as women ? Isn’t that rather sexist and outdated ?

My theory is, when it comes to pay the woman offers, if the man lets her pay or splits the bill, that’s not the man you want to be navigating maternity pay with.

When dating DH paid foreals out and weekends away. He insisted. I paid for coffees and the odd piece of cake if out and about. Were married now with separate finances but he still likes to pay when we go out for a meal and we pay half for holidays.

Just grabby. Men dodge a bullet if they manage to avoid women like that.

Generally I think men should offer. The gender pay gap still exists and a man offering to pay for a date is a sign he’s a good one who supports women and issues affecting women, rather than the “if women want equality then they shouldn’t except special treatment” type.

If however the woman is significantly more wealthy than the man she is dating and both parties are aware of this, then I think she should offer instead.