My husband wants me to pay more towards the bills…

[ZiggyNiko]

I’d really appreciate some outside perspective because I’m starting to feel like I’m being unreasonable, but I’m not sure.
My husband earns around £4,000 a month and I earn around £1,500. I only work 3 days a week because our youngest isn’t at nursery yet, so increasing my hours isn’t really an option at the moment.
We don’t have a mortgage, but my husband wants me to take over the council tax and electricity, which come to around £500 a month combined.
I already pay approximately £500 a month for groceries, as well as paying for our two children’s activities, days out, clothes, and various other expenses for them.
When we go on holiday, say a £4,000 holiday, I’ll usually contribute around £1,000. Even that is difficult for me on my income.
My husband says he runs out of money every month, but the problem is that I have no idea where his money is going. He doesn’t seem willing to sit down and go through the finances with me and explain what he’s spending it on.
What really bothers me is that he somehow has the money for an annual £1,000 golf trip, while telling me that he doesn’t have enough money and that I should take on more household bills.
I’m not saying he shouldn’t have hobbies or spend money on himself. But given the huge difference in our incomes, and the fact that I’m working reduced hours partly because of childcare, I feel like our finances should be looked at as a household rather than simply splitting bills.
Am I being unreasonable for thinking he should be contributing significantly more to the household expenses?

I would divorce him and drag all his money secrets out into the open. And get the equity you're owed in the house. Awful.

this ! He has a secret family, a drug or gambling habit, secret debts ? Or a secret stockpile of money ?

OMG, this is all very worrying. It sounds like he is taking proper advantage of you. He’s also hiding something. Get your name on those deeds as soon as possible.

Is he a good husband and father? (I’m guessing not.)

He promised that we would sit down together and go through a spreadsheet of our income and expenses. I told him that I need to see proof as well, such as the direct debits and transactions, so that we can have a clear and honest picture of where the money is actually going.

His golfing holiday costs more than "£1000" that he tells you.

I agree with PP: he needs to be transparent with his outgoings and get you on the deeds (even if this has little legal benefit), it's your bloody house.

Do you have joint credit cards? Do you know the balance on them? You need to make him set up a credit karma (or other) and check this too

He’s not a bad dad, a lazy one.
he can’t be bothered to do things with kids on the weekend and says in spoiling them by taking them out allot. Even during summer holidays.

No, that's a terrible idea. Every person should have their own money. Just because you're married doesn't mean you cease to be an individual who may need their own funds one day. Stop giving these dumb advice to women, making them really financially vulnerable. There are so many threads on this message board where women say they are desperate to leave their relationship but can't due to lack of personal finances.

Good job OP. I hope he keeps his word and shows you where everything is going with transparency.

If a lazy dad is not a bad dad, then what would you say is a bad dad?

Would you call your son a good dad in 30 years time, if he didn’t spend time with his children?

Was he always 50/50 @ZiggyNiko Right from when you started dating?

I guess you’re right. I wouldn’t.
he’s not really interested in spending time with them and expects me to do majority.

You said he’s not a bad dad then went on to describe a bad dad.

Yes. Always 50/50. Or if he paid for one date then I would pay for another. Always everything divided equally

He is financially abusing you! For a start contact whoever holds your mortgage on your house and the lawyer to put a hold thing on it to make sure he can’t take out loans on the house and that your name gets put on it! Also check he hasn’t already taken out loans against the house as he’s so deceitful you have no idea what he’s been up to!

i would also get hold of his paperwork somehow and line my ducks up! Get a decent lawyer and do a financial investigation into where all your money is going! What is he up to?!! Is he wining and dining other women with the rest of his wages or has he another woman somewhere else he’s paying for ?

Are you even sure he makes 4,000 a month? since you have no access to any of his finances he could be making 8,000 a month for all you know

This is financial abuse.
Do not pay these bills.
You need to talk to a Women's aid and get legal advice.
He is driving you into debt.
That is part of Coercive control as he wanted a second child.
Be very very careful of such a man.
Have you family you can go to for support.
Not putting you on the deeds is part of that.
You can tell Women's aid this.
You can also register an interest in the house.
Have you the banking information that proves your contribution?

You poor woman.

…so not a good dad then. And it sounds like he’s stitched you up like a kipper.

If you divorced him over his tightness, he'd have to pay his share of childcare.

I’m really sorry about that. You sound like a lovely, kind and amazing mum so your children are likely to have at least you.

Did his insistence to have a second child come at a time when you were starting to work full-time again, or to enjoy more independence or career progression after raising your first child?

That’s not a mistake op your mistake is trusting him. Tell him to put x amount into a joint account then pay the bills then see what’s left over 600 car is ridiculous too.

I'm married all money is shared money thats it. One pot no arguments.

This.
He's brining in 4k and there is no mortgage.
You are paying 500 towards the biggest bills i.e.council tax and utilities so where is the majority of his 4k going?
Gambling? Debts?
X

Ah yes The Mumnset definition of a man who believes in equality Take a look at the "who pays on dates" threads.

Wont be long before this thread gets deleted. Thats what happened to the last one that disproved that Mr 50/50 believes in equality!!!

"If you won't sit down and go through our finances together, to see where all the money is actually going, the answer to paying more towards bills is absolutely no". Simple as that.

He doesn't want to do this, because the douchebag knows the reason he has no money: it's because he spends so much of it on himself that he doesn't have anything left! He just wants you to subside him, an doesn't care that YOU are left with hardly any money by the end of the month. Rather you than him, is his mentality it seems. No way. What a loser, honestly.

I don't think a woman should pay any bills at all, but since so many women do...the fair thing in this case would be him paying 72% of all household expenses, and you 28%. Because he earns 72% of your shared income and you only earn 28%.

I am so angry at the shit you have put up with.