AIBU to ask who pays the bill when dating or in a relationship?

[CardboardBoxesLily]

When you’re out at a restaurant and the bill comes, how common is it to expect the man to pay?

The thought of the woman whipping her card out and paying whilst the man sits back being ‘spoiled’ by his woman just feels wrong and awkward to me.

Is that completely outdated now? Does the man not feel uncomfortable being paid for by a woman? What do other people do?

Not looking for replies saying ‘we’re married so it’s all one pot’. Specifically asking when dating/long-term relationships where finances are still separate.

Thanks for explaining. My only other thought that this seems fine if people take it in turns to invite each other. If it's one sided then it can start to feel less like a good deal.

It's a long time ago, but my (now) DH and I always paid equally, usually one or other of us would pay and the other would hand over half in cash. I always insisted I wanted to pay my way. It was different on birthdays and other special occasions where one of us would "treat" the other, but generally speaking, we kept to everything being 50:50.

When on holiday etc., we even had an extra "joint" purse where we both put the same amount of cash in and used it to pay for "joint" things like meals, drinks, attraction entry fees, etc. We'd then use our own purse/wallet for things that only one of us wanted to buy, i.e. an expensive souvenir etc.

As we were both roughly "on the same wavelength" we never had problems where one of us had a more expensive meal/drink or an extra course etc., so roughly speaking, our "joint" spendings were equal, so 50:50 worked - we both had the sense not to take the piss by spending a lot more than the other.

Same on evenings in the pub. We'd take it in turns to buy the drinks and usually managed to have an equal number, whether 2 or 4 - to keep things equal.

My prior boyfriend was an utter nightmare, would ask for a shot when it was my round but half a lager when it was his, and would usually let me buy the first round, then decide he'd had enough after 3 so it'd end up with me having bought 2 and him only 1. Needless to say, he didn't last long before I binned him!

Ultimately it's what works for you. Need to be open with communications etc., sort things out in advance to avoid awkward moments etc. If you can't discuss in advance openly, then it's not a healthy relationship.

Dating, we took in turns. Married? It’s all the same pot so doesn’t matter who taps the card now!

I completely agree. It has to be fair and it becomes fair once you get past the first date and they've in some way proven themselves so then I'll split a bill or pick up a round but again in my experience they don't want me to pay so why would I? Any offer to pay is usually followed by 'don't be ridiculous' or 'i'm paying I asked you out'. The only time anyone I know who splits a bill is people in committed relationships. Would happily pay past a first date if that seems like the vibe but I haven't seemed to date men like that.

You’re only 21 so there’s plenty of time for you to stop being so grabby and develop some self pride. Imagine being a woman attempting to gain a degree at university and relying on men to fund your lifestyle.

Surely you do 50/50 unless you think its appropriate to essentially sell yourself to the other person?

Accepting a free drink or a free meal isn't grabby or having no self pride. I'd argue if you don't think you're worth a £5 meal you need more pride. I'd understand your point if it was expensive restaurants or clothesor even expecting to be sent money like some people do but somehow I don't think a meal once every few months when I am free enough to date is funding my lifestyle. It's called knowing what you value and find attractive. I would never expect a man to pay my bills or fund my life because thats ridiculous and unsafe but you can be independent and still like a free drink. Most men would pay if they liked you and thats the simple truth. Would also like that the man paying is less about the money and more the effort. If he's not in a position to go out on a date, they would maybe cook or even a sit at a pretty park with a picnic is great because it shows effort.

I met DH when we were teenagers, we generally took turns but not rigidly - we were often broke so it was sometimes whoever had been paid that week! Sometimes we were completely broke so we'd make sandwiches at his house or mine and drive to a country park for a walk and a picnic!

I'm in my 50s and I've only ever had early dates in pubs really, and then would just do rounds. Meals I would save for when we are properly going out, and then would split. I never wanted to "owe" anybody anything and wanted to be treated equally. I doubt that I've ever spent longer getting ready than the person I am dating!

These days it's still rounds, meals come out of the joint account, unless one of us is treating the other for an occasion, cinema, gigs, etc - either split or the one who wants to go and see the band and would like company pays.

First date is the man and if they don’t, I’d lose interest. Then you take it turns thereafter. Old fashioned maybe but I don’t care.

I don't think a man should always pay but if he doesn't offer to pay for the first date I think that is a bad sign in my opinion. Yes we are aiming for equality, but the reality is different. The world of earning money still favours men and pays them more to do the sane job as a woman.

I think it's a very good test to see how a man may behave when you give birth to his children if he is insistent that everything be evenly split whilst dating. You want someone who has some generosity of spirit if you're going to have their baby.

In my. most recent relationship, we split the bill 50:50 or took it in turns. If life got complicated … eg someone’s card didn’t work on holiday… we tracked costs on the Splid app. As far as I could tell, we had similar le els disposable income.

I’d still expect the man to pay on the first date, unless it was clear to me that there wasn’t going to be a second. I’d insist on paying my share then.

Why would you feel awkward paying? Treating someone is a pleasure.id hope it was a bit of both.

Responding to a deleted quote: Do you have something against a man effort on a first date which lets be honest the easiest way is to plan a date whether its going for a drink or something free and then paying? You are also purposely ignoring where I said I would pay after the first date and that a first date can be free its about effort. If a man asks me out on a first date and they've chosen somewhere doing 2-4-1 i guarantee you they've done it on purpose because they expect you to pay. Even if they ask you to split , it doesn't automatically disregard an amazing date. The man paying is just a factor to testing compatibility. If I went on a great date where I had no doubts I liked him and he asked me to split it , I would and it wouldn't stop me from seeing him again whereas a date where I wasn't sure and then was asked to split would not get a second one. The man paying is a factor not the deciding concept.

Can't stand the "I want equality but only of he's paying brigade".

So entitled.

Long term partner, separate finances. He earns more and treats me probably 4 out of 5 times. We're very equal in every other way but this is just part of our romance and it makes me feel special.

My DP always pays, but he works and I don't. I do make meals for him at my home though, so it kind of balances out.

When dating we used to take it in turns to pay, we weren’t particularly strict at alternating though.

DP clearly isn’t bothered by how things look as nowadays I’m the one that physically makes the payment (using the joint account saved on my Apple Watch wallet!)

The gender pay gap is a ridiculous reason not to pay for dates if you're not one of the women being paid less. It depends what industry you're in, what role you have and what your company's culture is. If you personally feel you're being screwed over by the gender pay gap and you're dating a man who earns more, by all means argue he should pay. If you're a woman earning more than the man sat across the restaurant table... why on earth would the gender pay gap be relevant?

In my social circle women are perfectly capable of being higher earners than their male partners. Of course we have a very long way to go but it seems completely outdated to use that as an across-the-board dating rule.

I also disagree that anyone's behaviour on a first date has anything to do with their behaviour when they become a parent (and not all women are even looking to have children).

Where did I say I wouldn't pay for dates?

Why on earth should a man pay more? Are women not capable mature independent adults?

Wow - very surprised to read that a guy would be keeping such tight track of who pays and thinking of women as 'freeloaders'. I sure hope you do 50% of every last bit of labour at home, with that mindset!

I'd think it's simply gentlemanly to pay. The woman is usually the one who ends up taking a career break to have a baby, so if a man is this tight to begin with, I wouldn't really trust him with my future. Sorry - I'm sure you're a nice guy and all that....

Same here :-)

Couldn’t disagree more. A man who is comfortable taking turns and behaving as equals with me is more likely to behave as equals throughout a relationship than someone who thinks they can buy their way out of any relationship issue, or treats me in a patriarchal “I will take my woman out” way. Sure treat me on my birthday, little occasions etc, but I don’t want someone who will feel emasculated if I do the same back, or if I’m the one to pay the bill in the restaurant.

If you want a partner who is going to pay for everything in the future and will “take care of you”, maybe suggest you give up your job to look after your children / his parents / him then sure, find the “gentlemanly” man who pays for everything. I went for the one who was totally comfortable doing 50 50 and we’ve been a brilliant team, he takes on probably more mental load than I do and we both work slightly part time to have more time with the kids. My well paid job supported me through my maternity leave.

Think you’re mistaking being equals with “being tight”.