AIBU to ask who pays the bill when dating or in a relationship?

[CardboardBoxesLily]

When you’re out at a restaurant and the bill comes, how common is it to expect the man to pay?

The thought of the woman whipping her card out and paying whilst the man sits back being ‘spoiled’ by his woman just feels wrong and awkward to me.

Is that completely outdated now? Does the man not feel uncomfortable being paid for by a woman? What do other people do?

Not looking for replies saying ‘we’re married so it’s all one pot’. Specifically asking when dating/long-term relationships where finances are still separate.

I agree re not going for dinner on a first date. Drinks or coffee is easier and more relaxed. Plus you can leave if you want to!

I was always brought up to “buy my
round” and see it as an awful thing for anyone not to pay their way.

We mostly split things like restaurant bills and took turns with things like bar rounds. I paid for most gigs because its more my thing. Now of course we just pay for everything like that from a joint account unless its something like a special birthday date.

Take it turns generally (been dating 9 months) with a slight skew to me picking up a couple more of the bills. But that's because I spend at least one or two nights at his midweek (due to his work commitments vs me WFH) and he covers all food and drink whilst I'm there. And he always makes sure my treats/faves are in the fridge for when I arrive and enough for my work days as well. So I will pick up an extra odd meal out here and there. (I outearn him by a bit and my outgoings are also less). It feels fair and I'm happy with that.

I would never sit back and expect someone to cover a bill without me at least offering.

always took turns paying.

I’m a high earner and also not someone who primps. I am clean and presentable, but don’t subscribe to the expensive routine that many women engage in.

Thanks for answering. I understand why your dad always paid for stuff when you were growing up, because your mum wasn't earning.

But I still don't understand why you think men should pay in general when women are equally capable of doing so?

Do you still think the man should always pay if the woman earns the same or more?

I agree with them! I wouldn’t go on a walking date either, ick.

50/50 or take it in turns, with nuances depending on the situation, for example if one person comes from wealth or earns a lot more - but that wouldn't apply on a first date anyway.

When I was dating I wanted someone who saw me as an equal and who didn't consider traditional gender roles to be important. The best way to filter for those men was to simply be their equal. Suggesting that we split the bill was a good litmus test - the ones who felt uncomfortable that a woman might pay for them didn't get second dates. As for the men who thought that splashing the cash on me would impress me into their beds... such a turn-off. There was also a distinct correlation between the men who wanted to buy me expensive things and the men who expected me to sleep with them.

If you accept traditional gender roles when dating, you shouldn't be surprised when that man expects them when you're married as well, and you get stuck looking after the house and kids while he's out at work all the time.

I'm not really sure why the gender pay gap is relevant. I'm not dating on behalf of other women. If I earn the same as the man I'm dating (or - perish the thought - more!) then it would be extremely silly to make him pay because other women are earning less.

Never mind the bill you don’t call her ‘ his woman ‘ women aren’t owned by anyone . As for the bill take it in turns , treat each other , it’s not set in stone .

This post made me cringe on so many levels. You're not a high quality date if you expect someone to pay for you!

If we're talking first dates, you're definitely not the only one and shouldn't expect to be.

Modern as in 2026? Two coffees for a fiver in this economy?

If it's a date split 50/50.

We alternate, roughly. I earn more at the moment but also have higher living costs. We don't live together but LTR with plans to move in together.

If we're out for the day and have a couple of coffees or go to a couple of pubs, we alternate. I treat him on his birthday, he paid for dinner on mine.

If we have to get food out or go for a meal together, often one of us pays and the other sends over some money. Occasionally he offers to pay if we're at his and he's choosing not to cook. I'm more likely to pack a picnic or cook if we're at mine.

We'll have a shared account for this sort of thing once we move in together and have joint bills to pay.

I think whoever plans for the date should pay. A lot of first dates these days are a coffee and a walk... So if a man invited me out for a coffee (I would prob decline as I don't drink hot drinks) but I would expect him to pay. As a low cost date, if he didn't want to buy me a £5 drink I wouldn't want to see him again.

I think if I earnt considerably more I would definitely pay for more than DH.
I do still think if both are earning the same, the man should be paying slightly more/maybe take it turns but he covers more of the expensive ones. Maybe 60/40 in terms of the financial hit.
Generally women have higher upkeeping costs (e.g. clothes, make up, sanitary products, haircuts, shampoo etc.) so I think in general a womans outgoings could be higher than a mans so him covering an extra dinner here and there isn't a big deal to me.
Womens clothing/products are almost always more expensive for the exact item, e.g. a womans M&S cotton t shirt being more expensive than the exact mens version even with less material (study done few years ago, not sure if still the case for this exact item). Razors, shampoos etc. again all more expensive for women.
Things like this have conditioned me over the years to think men should pay more as women have to deal with the 'female tax' their whole lives.
Maybe I am backwards, I just cannot help it haha!

@CardboardBoxesLily I think it depends on your financial situation. I was a student and dh was working when we met. I still thought I should pay me half and insisted but he said "you're studying- if the roles had been reversed I'm sure you would have taken the bill". Which was and is true.

Calling the person a man is on a date with ‘his woman’ tells me all I need to know…

Before my time, when women got paid less, and there was an expectation the couple might eventually get married and she'd give up work, it was fair for the man to pay. Now it should be 50/50, but if one earns less, then it would be fair for that one to pay less.

But not all dates are a £5 coffee, they involve meals, theatre, nights out, cinema etc.

I was listening to the radio the other day, and the hosts were in their 20s and they talked about how expensive dating is for young people now.

The young male host also said that costs also added additional pressure to the dynamic of the date because you can't always have a good time if you know the cost of socialising is so high. So adding the expectation that the man pays just adds to the pressure.

From the sound of it, the expectation that the man always pays is lessening in the younger generations.

I think its dependent on the person and whats right for them. Personally I have never been on a date and paid, I may offer but its a test. That's only because they are usually affordable dates for example a round of drinks at a 2-4-1 place or recently bottomless pancakes where they were £5 per person. I see it as them not putting in the effort especially because they usually ask me out but it also worth noting i've never been asked to pay. The bill is usually taken care of without any hesitation from the man but I guess I date a certain type. It is worth noting I'm 21 and a recent uni grad so all these dates were with other students. I'd personally be offended if you couldn't pay for my drink when its basically free because of the 2-4-1 or paid for food on such a good deal. That being said, I have a friend that wont let a man pay on a date or even buy her a free drink in a club because she doest want to owe him something whereas I wont let anyone expect anything just for a drink and if they do I don't care. If its a relationship I would absolutely go halves sometimes or even pick up a whole bill but only if they've proven themselves and it evens out.

I'd personally be offended if you couldn't pay for my drink when its basically free because of the 2-4-1 or paid for food on such a good deal.

The drink / meal isn't free because the deal depends on one person making a full price purchase. They haven't just grabbed you off the streets and given you a free drink or meal.

When dating, we more or less took turns unless one of us wanted to do something we knew the other one wasn't bothered about/couldn't afford.

Now, we have a joint account as well as out own personal accounts, so restaurant bills etc. come out of that. DH usually does the actual physical paying though, even though the money comes out of our joint account, because it makes him feel 'manly' 😁

It works out free in the deal, thats the whole marketing strategy of a 2-4-1?. Majority of the people I know consider the second drink free because you would have brought the first one anyway so the second is free.

It's not free to the person purchasing the initial drink / meal, who may have just preferred to have a coke and spag bol at home rather go to the effort / expense of meal/drinks out.

25 years ago when dating we’d usually split it 50 50, either taking it in turns evening by evening, or alternating rounds etc.
There was one year when my boyfriend was in a well paid job as he’d graduated a year early and I was still a student, so he tended to pay for more when we went out. But whenever it was both people in similar situations (which it always was apart from that one year) it was pretty 50 50.

We’d both pay. Sometimes it was whoever offered. Sometimes we’d split it and each pay for what we ordered, like on a first or second date. With Dh and I we’d take it in turns depending on who was less skint.

I’ve only had a few men sit back and wait for me to pay and based on my anecdotal evidence with an n of 2, these turned out to be big losers. 😂 One ‘forgot his wallet’ (but it was okay because he was a vegan who only ate rice, seriously, only rice, so all he had was a big plate of rice 😳).

The other was a guy I met online dating in a city I was moving to, but didn’t yet live in. So I travelled 3 hours by train to meet him for a drink and was travelling 3 hours back that evening (I was 24 and it was something to do 🤷🏻‍♀️). He slid the bill across to me when it arrived and said, yours is £25. 😂 It was a first and last date. I was very happy to pay for myself, but considering I spent £100 and 6 hours travelling to see him, it would have been polite to at least offer to pay for my 2 drinks.

If someone invites you out specifically for a 2-4-1 deal,, its widely accepted that they were going to go anyway. This could be a generation thing but most people I know would be offended if they were asked to pay if it's a 2-4-1. My logic , and it has been supported by others in my life, is that a 2-4-1 is the second drink free. Without sounding incredibly gen z its girl math. Another reason is my friends and I regularly treat each other to meals and 2-4-1 drink deals so why shouldn't I expect the same from someone who's interested in me romantically. It's okay to disagree and it's worth remembering that everyone has different types and is attracted to different things. I know what i'd expect in a relationship and see not being upset about paying for a date that cheap as a stepping stone to traits in the rest of the relationship. If that isn't what the person i'm on a date with is looking for thats okay and we're not right for each other. Would also like to add I always go to date prepared to pay but would prefer not to so its not a affordability issue.