AIBU to ask who pays the bill when dating or in a relationship?

[CardboardBoxesLily]

When you’re out at a restaurant and the bill comes, how common is it to expect the man to pay?

The thought of the woman whipping her card out and paying whilst the man sits back being ‘spoiled’ by his woman just feels wrong and awkward to me.

Is that completely outdated now? Does the man not feel uncomfortable being paid for by a woman? What do other people do?

Not looking for replies saying ‘we’re married so it’s all one pot’. Specifically asking when dating/long-term relationships where finances are still separate.

I would hope that someone I'm having a baby with would treat me differently to a stranger he is having a first date with.

Dates are so expensive now, with theatre tickets costing £80+ each, cinema with pop corn £20, a meal at Wagagama is £60.

It's not fair to expect the man to pay for both, it should be taken in turns.

I am quite shocked that so many women still expect the man to pay. Surely it would be fairer to alternate or go Dutch?

The idea that women are expecting to sit back and be paid for because they consider themselves to be "high quality dates" makes me feel slightly sick. You're on a date, not working as an escort!

I would not be attracted to a man who didn't recognise me as his equal.

I believe the man should be paying at least 75% of the time, I generally would buy coffees, parking and drinks here and there but my husband paid most of the time right from the beginning. I always offered, or would offer to get the next round etc. He is the breadwinner so still mostly pays if we go out.

a man offering to pay for a date is a sign he’s a good one who supports women and issues affecting women

Or he's controlling, if he doesn't accept that a woman wants to go 50/50. Insisting on paying the bill isn't a green flag.

50/50 or take turns. I have always felt deeply uncomfortable with men who insist on settling the whole bill.

I said offer, not insist. Neither party should insist on doing anything on a date.

Exactly. Or they want something in return for paying. It doesn’t automatically make them a good one.

Snark all you want, I'm happily married to a man who earns the same and also went part time for childcare and continues to do half the school runs.

Can I ask why you think the man should be paying at least 75% of the time? What if the woman earns more?

But respectfully, how long have you been together? Times have changed.

Split it when just dating, once you’re in a relationship then you can alternate.

My husband and I dated in uni. In the early days he would pay cos its the gentlemanly thing to do and he worked. Later on we would split it so one of us would pay for dinner and the other would pay for whatever activity we were doing, then on the following date we'd switch.

You ever see a man quibble over a fiver for anything they value? No.

What's that got to do with anything?

I’m on a few Facebook dating groups and so many women on there (I’m also female) won’t even go on a coffee date as they think it’s ’low effort’.

This post is embarrassing, old-fashioned tripe

Is that completely outdated now?

Yes, of course it is.

Does the man not feel uncomfortable being paid for by a woman?

I wouldn't date a man who was so insecure in his masculinity that he was 'uncomfortable' at the notion of a woman having money and being able to treat him.

What do other people do?

I dated one man at a time when I had absolutely no money to spare whatsoever and he was fairly well off, and he always paid the bill purely because he was well aware that I couldn't afford things like restaurant meals and he could afford them easily.

That wasn't a gender thing, though. If I'd been the higher earner and he'd been the skint one, I would have paid.

In pretty much every other dating scenario we've either split the bill or taken it in turns.

In my current relationship (of 23 years, but we don't have joint finances) we more or less take it in turns to pay. We're not precious about keeping a tally but it works out broadly evenly over time.

You say that, after quoting my expectation that a man offers to pay a fiver for a coffee.

My husband went part time to care for our child and continues to do half the school runs, turns up to every parents evening, is involved in school volunteering, does all the cooking and laundry (i clean and do other household bits like admin, DIY, painting and decorating), and he earns the same as me.

So please, tell me more about these men you wouldn't be attracted to if they didn't see you as an equal. I presume your unhookery dating technique landed you a man that does an equal share?

We take turns. IT's not complicated.

But I don’t there there’s a correlation between being a decent parent and paying for the coffee. I’m sure plenty of guys will pick up the tab but still leave most of the parenting to the wife/mother. It sounds like you were just lucky on that front.

Everything. If a man wouldn't quibble over buying a mate a pint but begrudges it for a date, it tells you everything.

Yes, my DH has always shared the load equally because he isn't a sexist twat. I don't think he deserves a medal for it, though, whereas you seem to think yours does?

Describing yourself a "high quality date" that a man should be willing to pay for makes me feel very uncomfortable. I mean, I'm glad that he thought you were worth a fiver and all that, but did you not consider him to be a high quality date that was worth a fiver as well? If not, why not?

ETA that was supposed to be a response to @NewNewYork but I forgot to quote.

Have you never seen how men talk about someone who doesn't buy their round?!

And what exactly does it tell you if a woman wouldn't quibble over buying a drink for a friend but begrudges it for a date?

As a man I paid on the first date which involved a meal.
After that it was 50/50 or takes turns.
We both work so paying for things like holidays are 50/50 and we take it in turns to drive the to the airport.
We spend the same on each other's Christmas and Birthday presents.
Only exception is if one of us is driving - for example to a gig or other event when the drinker gets the driver's soft drinks in.
There are a few things like if we're having dinner at home I probably buy more expensive wine than she does but that's my choice.