AIBU to ask who pays the bill when dating or in a relationship?

[CardboardBoxesLily]

When you’re out at a restaurant and the bill comes, how common is it to expect the man to pay?

The thought of the woman whipping her card out and paying whilst the man sits back being ‘spoiled’ by his woman just feels wrong and awkward to me.

Is that completely outdated now? Does the man not feel uncomfortable being paid for by a woman? What do other people do?

Not looking for replies saying ‘we’re married so it’s all one pot’. Specifically asking when dating/long-term relationships where finances are still separate.

We take turns on paying for food, dates etc. We don’t share finances or anything but will foot the bill if moneys getting tight for the other.

I was lucky in that I was too young to really have an entrenched view about it at the time, but my experience has entrenched it as firm view.

i dont hypothesis that every man that pays the first bill will be an equal partner, but more the opposite - if a man shows you from day 1 that he isn't willing to punt a fiver for a drink (which he likely does with his mates) then it isn't the strongest indication that he wants to take care of you and give you a good time and IMO that's the test. Not whether he can but whether he values trying. If he can't be bothered to show that on Day 1, he isn't worth it IMO. And that goes both ways, it's literally a fiver, if I endnup at the till first, I'll offer, because it's literally nothing and if he isn't prepared to treat me the same, I'm not interested. Whoever is there first says "ill get these". If he isn't doing that, it's not for me.

DH paid for most things when we were dating… tables have turned now I am the higher earner though.
I think if I dated again I would want to take it in turns. But first dates should be 50 50 because I do appreciate that not all first dates workout, it’s seeing if you like each other enough to have a second. I don’t think it’s fair for a man to have to pay for multiple first dates with women who may or may not decide they want another date.
I also now at this age would not want to feel unequal to a partner at all, in my youth I was fine with being paid for but it was naive and led to some unequal balances in relationships.
if I ever met someone new and they were considerably wealthier than me then I would stil not want them to pay more than their half unless we got into a long term relationship and started to share things based on percentage of income.

That's fair enough, but in that case, it isn't about the man paying at all. It is about both people being willing to pay.

Literally the same. I've just said that in my last post - it's a fiver, if whoever is at the till isn't saying "I'll get these" it's poor etiquette and it smacks of someone more focused on not paying a penny more than they have to to have a good time, rather than focusing on having a good time.

Roughly take in turns and if it’s one persons birthday the other pays. Don’t get too strict about it. I earn my own money and could not possible accept a man always paying for me.

EXACTLY 100% that. Thank you for putting it into better words

I'm happy to pay.
I want someone that is also happy to pay.

I don't care who actually pays but I definitely do not want someone who is mentally calculating if I'm ripping them off for a hot drink.

We take it more or less in turns paying, but overall I pay more for things we do together because I earn significantly more than my partner and think a proportional split is more fair. It's never been an issue.

Well, that I can get on board with. I wouldn't want to date someone who was too tight to pay for a cup of coffee either.

I just think that the expectation should apply equally to both men and women.

If in a relationship - always 50/50 / take in turns.

If dating - first date I will offer but assume he’ll pay -
I would never be annoyed if he didn’t offer though.
And I only ever go for a quick drink or 2 for the first date anyway.

Further dates I insist on going 50/50.

Eating or drinking out is expensive and I don’t think it’s fair for one person to pay.

My friend is currently dating and feels like he should pay but it’s costing him about £100 just for 2 meals and a couple drinks.
Thats a lot of money to spend on a stranger that you may never see again.

Together 8 years, married 2 years, I am late 20s and DH 10 years older but we have relatively 'traditional' values. It's just what works for us :)
He also pays for roughly 75% of the bills as he is the higher earner and he can afford to, he's got 10 more years into his career than I have! Maybe it's the age gap..

Married now but when we were first dating we split the bill in half for the first few and then loosely took it in turns after that (i.e. we didn't worry if the meal he paid for last time was more or less expensive than the meal I paid for this time etc..). I have a high paying job and don't need to sponge of a guy to go out and I was keen that we started as we meant to go on with an even/fair division of expenses and labour. Now we are married we have a joint account and he does his share of house jobs.

My OH paid for our first meal out and I paid the next time. He paid more often than me (or paid in the more expensive places) because he earned more than me at the time but I made sure I contributed.

We either did 50/50 or just took turns when dating.
Now married we just take in turns or if on holiday make sure it's balances at the end as DH uses a credit card away whilst I use a chase account.
We have joint and separate finances (joint for bills separate for our own spending).

Also don't get what is wrong with a woman paying all of the bill as long as it roughly works out. Its different to constantly being paid for in early days of dating.

The mage is likely to buy a pint back though

We can’t expect to have equality and also expect to be paid for all the time. What kind of message is that sending to a man? That we need providing for? Fuck that!

Easy. You share the bill or at least offer. Or one pays for this and the other for that.

Whoever wants to!

I think the default is that it’s split, or people take turns, but if anyone feels inclined to pay then they can.

This is what I say to my son - if you genuinely want to pay for a friend or a date then it’s a nice thing to do, but no one is obliged to pay, nor should anyone get to a point where they feel imposed upon or pay for something they can’t afford.

What I don’t think is right is people saying out-loud or in advance “we’ll be splitting this you know” or “I’m not going to be paying” - that’s crass and rude. You see that a fair bit on here or in tales I’ve been told!

Hate going 50/50. It’s better to alternate and it balances itself out. The exception is if you’re dating in the early days and you don’t know if they’ll be a 2nd date etc. Then I’d just alternate buying rounds. I’d never go for dinner on a 1st date!

50/50 I’d say. I’m can’t remember how meals were spilt, so long ago now, he defo paid for some meals. But first date I remember distinctly, we went for drinks and took turns buying the round. I arrived first so texted him and got the first round in

It's outdated and sexist. What's wrong with taking turns?

I was brought up in a household where my dad always paid, my mum didn't have a paid job (house wife) and my dad enjoyed treating her/us as she spent time and energy raising us and keeping the house in order.
My industry is male dominated and the men generally pay if we go out (e.g. clients paying for lunch etc. even though I have always offered and I can expense it if I wanted).
My opinion is if a man has invited you out to dinner then he should have the means to pay, of course you shouldn't expect it and should always offer but maybe I am old school in my thinking that the man should pay more often than the woman.
It works in my relationship but might not suit other couples :)

I think it’s old fashioned (and unfair) to expect a man to pay. It should be 50/50. I’m a woman btw.

I'm in favour generally of equality and paying my own way but there are nuances (and I'm aware some of them are me being slightly sexist).

When I met my husband he was a lot older and had a professional job while i was doing retail work so when he suggested going for dinner I did assume he was paying and he did. There was no way I would have been going out for dinner otherwise. I did buy drinks sometimes and treated him on his birthday. We've been married years now and I earn a fair bit more so I usually pay for stuff like meals out and days out (we have semi separate finances which suit us) but he treats me on my birthday etc so we have changed places and I'm entirely happy with that.

I think if I was going on a first date nowadays I'd happily split but I'd also feel slightly hmmm if the man didn't at least offer to pay first (which I'd refuse). I'm not sure I can really explain why.

It may relate to past experiences when I dated unemployed musicians in my youth and I ended up paying and started to resent how it was taken for granted with the "its not my fault I've got no money, I'm working towards my dream" crap. Or an ex I used to split the bill equally with (fair enough we were both students) but he would have ordered/eaten/drunk much more than me but would tell me i was "petty" and "mean" if i pointed that out. He later married and had a child with someone and I wondered if he was one of those blokes who insist the mother carries on paying exactly half the bills and mortgage from her maternity pay and savings. I think it's those sort of things that make me think it's nice when a man at least offers to pay.

It's been quite a few years, but my recollection is that when were dating, DH paid the first time, and after that we alternated but more like two for him for every one for me. But he was the higher earner so that seemed fair. When we went away on holiday, we would roughly go 50/50.