AIBU to ask who pays the bill when dating or in a relationship?

[CardboardBoxesLily]

When you’re out at a restaurant and the bill comes, how common is it to expect the man to pay?

The thought of the woman whipping her card out and paying whilst the man sits back being ‘spoiled’ by his woman just feels wrong and awkward to me.

Is that completely outdated now? Does the man not feel uncomfortable being paid for by a woman? What do other people do?

Not looking for replies saying ‘we’re married so it’s all one pot’. Specifically asking when dating/long-term relationships where finances are still separate.

DH always paid when we were dating unless it was his birthday or something.

For me it's usually done roughly alternately. I'll be aware that he paid last time, so I will get the next one. I'm comfortable with that, generally unspoken, arrangement

We always paid 50/50 if the date was a mutually agreed date & venue. Anything else, I’d whip out my card and make it clear I was happy to share.

He often used to say “have what you want, It’s my treat” which was lovely.

There was never any misunderstanding.

Surely 50/50 or taking turns? Why would the man (in a hetero scenario) foot all the bills?

Depends, sometimes one treats the other or sometimes split in half depending on the month. LTR not living together

I would never expect and always offered when me and my husband first met - to be fair he paid 99% of the time. Now it's out money so makes no difference anyway 😅

In the early days we split the bill, then we took turns picking up the bill. We both earned well, I would have felt very uncomfortable not paying my way.

Over 5 years together. Don’t live together or share finances.
take turns or 50/50 also depends if his customers have paid him or not - he’s a self employed single father.

Women spend a lot more getting ready for dates so in the past men usually paid, especially initially. Called me old fashioned but if a guy asked me out I would offer to split but would be unimpressed if he didn’t tbh. Women’s lib seems to have had the opposite effect - women now tend to pay more for fear as been seen as a gold digger and if this site is anything to go on in the long run end up paying for absolutely everything.

When dating it’s equal - in my view, whoever asked is the payer - with the other party offering to split the bill. If it’s a first date and I had zero intention of seeing him for a second, I pretty much insisted on paying half. I can’t see how women can expect equality of pay yet think a man always foots the bill.

Not ashamed to say that offering to pay is a test and he passes or fails.

1. I dont/didn't date around so the affordability factor for dating multiple people doesn't wash with me. I expect to be, or certainly feel, like the only date.

1. Modern dates are not full on dinners. I'd expect a coffee place followed by a walk. If a man can't afford a fiver then he isn't for me.

1. If a man can afford a fiver but begrudge, he isn't the man for me.

I'm a high quality date and my only expectation of a man is to turn up clean, on time, be engaging and to (offer) to lay out a fiver if he's asked me for coffee. If it felt right i'd be just as likely to say "don't worry, I'll get this", same as I would a friend.

On our first date DH paid saying "you can get the next one" which told me everything I needed to know
Roughly 50/50 for a while after that and these days (20 years on) he mostly pays but I'll take him out sometimes

Always split while on dates. When we got together, my partner tended to pay for some meals. But I would never expect a man to pay. Why should he feel uncomfortable if I am paying for my own meal? I don't foster such fragile masculinity.

I'm male. I always tended to go 50/50, but over time.

So first date tended to be drinks. I'd always get the first round, and then if she made no move to get the second, then I'd get them, but I'd be unlikely to be staying for a third drink unless she proactively said "I'll buy these"

Second date, more likely to go for food. If by the time the bill came, I saw a third date being likely, then I'd generally pay. I'd at least expect her to do the "No, it's alright, we'll go halves" dance first though. If I'm paying, I'll go "No, it's fine, you get it next time."

Third date I would expect them to make it equal, and I had a few people drop me once they realised they weren't getting a free meal. But that just saved me the trouble of dumping a freeloader.

Date 4 onwards I usually stopped keeping score. We'd be roughly 50/50 , but if it wasn't at any point, I knew it would even out in the end.

20 years on, it's all "family" money, but we keep our own accounts. Any meal out comes from my account because I earn way more so theres likely more cash in it. And the end of the day it belongs to both of us anyway.

First date, the guy always paid. I’d offer, reach to get my purse, he’d say no, I’d say are you sure, he’d say yes, I’d accept gracefully.

Once in an actual relationship, we split it. Not exactly 50/50, but he’d pay sometimes, I’d pay other times. No one was going “but the dinner I paid for was more expensive than this one you’re paying for”.

Dh and I have always taken turns, even when we were dating. I would never expect a man to pay for me and vice versa. We’ve always had separate finances.

Before we married 50:50 ot take turns.

Now married we kind of take turns. We each have our own spending money so if we want to eat out then person who suggests it pays as its a treat to eat out

I think the old fashioned way of the man paying is a bit of a throwback from when women relied on men financially. That's not the case anymore. Find your own path of halfs or take turns. It doesn't matter who pays.

50/50. I wouldn't be interested in dating anyone who believed they should pay just because they are the man.

We’ve been married a long time now but we were teenagers when we started dating, everything was 50/50. Remained that way all the while we were unmarried. My husband is not romantic, he’s very literal on what is fair, I just don’t think it would occur to him to treat me lol. But that sense of fairness is ingrained in him, he would split the last rolo in half. He pulls his weight at home not because he’s been “trained” or to be performative, but because it is genuinely in his DNA to know what’s fair, when he sees me cook dinner, he doesn’t hesitate to clean up the kitchen after.

I’d pick him over a romantic man as a life partner over and over again!

When dating we alternated. We didn't have big extravagant dates so it wasn't a massive difference in cost between dates, and neither of us have expensive tastes. I had a car when dating, he didn't, so if I drove he would pay for the parking. I remember the day we got enagged, driving back we had to pay for the tunnel to cross the river, and I suddenly realised it didn't matter who paid now, we were going to be married and it would all be shared money! We've had no arguments about money in the 5 years married/8 years together.

The man is supposed to pay really but its nice if the woman offers occasionally especially if she earns more

I think first date, whoever did the asking should pay.

After that, either 50/50 or taking turns. I wouldn't want to go out with a man that insisted on paying ever time.

i think men always paying is outdated now , however the last man I dated paid for everything which admittedly felt nice and chivalrous , I always offered though and never assumed or took for granted that he would pick up the bill.
Id always offer with drinks , you get the first round, I’ll get the next , but more often than not men my age ( mid 40s
) would insist on paying at least the first few times