Granddaughter’s rage over graduation plans.

[ProfessoressaSazzasez]

A few weeks ago OH (80, frail) & I met up with his daughter-in-law & grandkids to give GK#1 a 21st birthday gift & congratulate her on her law degree. I know she was disappointed to “only” have got a 2:1 but it’s from a very famous university & bloody good.

They have had their struggles: their Dad (my stepson) went AWOL from parenthood ten years ago, they were illegally evicted & homeless.
We are very proud of them.

GK invited us to her graduation (on a Friday), we talked about planning the trip & what she wanted us to wear for the photos, & DiL getting a day of work, GK#2 taking the day off school to be there.
OH & I both understood we were being asked to book the accommodation for the 5 of us & travel together.

So I booked us a flat for 2 nights - Thursday & Friday - & forwarded the confirmation asking when we could go up on the Thursday so I could book train tickets.

No reply.

Left a voicemail in case they’d missed the email.

Emailed again.

Got a scolding reply from GK#1 telling me it’s HER big day and she’s shocked, SHOCKED I booked accommodation (after we both understood we were being asked to, & checking with her whether she’d need it too) & complaining her mum is finding it hard to get time off from work (which I do not think I can be blamed for).

So I have no idea what’s going on.

i replied that of course it’s her big day & up to her who she has there, that she might forgive me if I misunderstood what she wanted, & pointed out that it’s too late to cancel the booking, but she’s welcome to use the accommodation if she wants.

I said if she wanted her granddad there she should let us know.

It’s a trek for us to get there, & not cheap: OH is blind & i cant drive, so the earlier we can book train tickets the better.

Silence since then.

What to do?

Am I unreasonable to feel rather hurt by this?

Did she want you to book it for everyone but you?

Honestly I don’t know!

It was clear in our face to face conversation she expected us to be there - if not, why specify what she wanted us to wear?

It’s a 5 bed flat so doesn't need to have us in it, of course.

OH is pretty heartbroken about this.

Ahh that’s such a shame that your really kind gesture has not been received well and for unknown reasons. I really struggle to understanding people who respond like that as my first reaction would be complete gratitude for booking the flat and, even if it wouldn’t have been my first choice of flat, I wouldn’t have made a fuss.

Maybe she wanted to choose the accommodation and had ideas of what she wanted but in that case I’d say she shouldn’t have asked you to book it.

Not replying to you when you are asking if you are still going is the shocking thing here especially when your OH is 80 and blind!

Can you ask her mum to speak to her?

She is a proper little madam isn't she ? I would stay away and try to salvage as much money as you can. I'm sorry this has happened

You both sound lovely. I am sorry. What disrespect.

What exactly did she say? Is about the type of accommodation or that fact that you’ve booked it at all?

Have been trying to get hold of mum - so far to no avail - but I sent my reply to all three: Mum & both grandkids (younger one is 17) so everyone knows everything.

I have been darkly wondering if GK#1, having been rejected by her Dad & treated quite poorly by her grandmother (OH’s first wife: they were divorced decades before he & I met, & she died 4 years ago), feels a need to do a bit of rejecting on her own account…

So strange. I would try to ask DiL if she knows what has happened, and let her know DH is upset. That's about all you can do at this point. GK has been so rude that I wouldn't be contacting her again very soon. Sorry, not very helpful.

Thing is: we love her & her sister & her Mum (who we very much admire) don’t want to abandon them (as they have been abandoned) & reckon she might regret not having her granddad (who is a member of the same university) at her graduation.

She’s ‘shocked’ I booked it at all, apparently.

No comment about what the accommodation is: I know it’s not the Randolph, but it’s what we can afford.

There’s usually only two tickets per person graduating. And the names usually have to be given significantly in advance.

my dd had two tickets which myself and her dad had (we are divorced) and she went to a graduation meal with her dad and his new family in the evening.

Many universities only allow you to have two tickets for guests for graduation. She may well have been planning a big day and be disappointed and embarrassed that she now can’t have the day she planned and be lashing out. She can’t punish the university so she’s directing her anger elsewhere

I’m surprised she was able to get so many tickets. They’re usually limited to two. You’ve booked the accommodation so you may as well go whenever you want on the Thursday and have a nice mini break. Tell them there are bedrooms if they want to stay with you. You have paid for this so you have the right to stay there.

Was she drunk when she invited you?

That may have something to do with it. Though I don’t know why she can’t just say so!

If her Mum can’t get time off (a great shame if she can’t) there’s no reason her sister & Granddad couldn’t be the two, though. Or her mum & sister.

we’d be quite happy to sit in a nearby cafe & cheer her afterwards.

You're OH needs to phone her Mum. Make it clear that if you can't attend the ceremony, because of ticket issues, you can still all meet up afterwards, which is perfectly usual. If he can't, then phone her Mum.

I hadn’t thought of the tickets (I only got 2 for my graduation back in the Upper Cretaceous).

But we’d be entirely happy to sit in a cafe nearby until afterwards & celebrate with her after.

The thing that burns my bacon is she’s not explaining what she wants.

What a spoilt brat.

We’ve been trying to!

At breakfast? No.

You seem so absolutely lovely, I’m sure this will be resolved with a bit of loving acceptance that 21 year olds sometimes don’t act rationally — as soon as you can just reassure her there’s no pressure and if there aren’t tickets you’ll wait nearby and hopefully that’ll be the thing she’s worried to tell you about.

Absolutely good on you for sticking by your DIL and GKs when your son didn’t, very commendable and you are a credit to them (even if young adults don’t always see or appreciate it!)

You both sound really lovely op and she sounds like a spoilt little madam.

Could it be more that she wasn't expecting you to book accommodation or whatever? As against going full stop?

Teenager and young adult brains don’t finish developing until mid twenties, with the planning and decision-making parts last to complete. Your expecting her to act like a predictable adult and she’s not there yet

And for her it is free. She is a brat.