Granddaughter’s rage over graduation plans.

[ProfessoressaSazzasez]

A few weeks ago OH (80, frail) & I met up with his daughter-in-law & grandkids to give GK#1 a 21st birthday gift & congratulate her on her law degree. I know she was disappointed to “only” have got a 2:1 but it’s from a very famous university & bloody good.

They have had their struggles: their Dad (my stepson) went AWOL from parenthood ten years ago, they were illegally evicted & homeless.
We are very proud of them.

GK invited us to her graduation (on a Friday), we talked about planning the trip & what she wanted us to wear for the photos, & DiL getting a day of work, GK#2 taking the day off school to be there.
OH & I both understood we were being asked to book the accommodation for the 5 of us & travel together.

So I booked us a flat for 2 nights - Thursday & Friday - & forwarded the confirmation asking when we could go up on the Thursday so I could book train tickets.

No reply.

Left a voicemail in case they’d missed the email.

Emailed again.

Got a scolding reply from GK#1 telling me it’s HER big day and she’s shocked, SHOCKED I booked accommodation (after we both understood we were being asked to, & checking with her whether she’d need it too) & complaining her mum is finding it hard to get time off from work (which I do not think I can be blamed for).

So I have no idea what’s going on.

i replied that of course it’s her big day & up to her who she has there, that she might forgive me if I misunderstood what she wanted, & pointed out that it’s too late to cancel the booking, but she’s welcome to use the accommodation if she wants.

I said if she wanted her granddad there she should let us know.

It’s a trek for us to get there, & not cheap: OH is blind & i cant drive, so the earlier we can book train tickets the better.

Silence since then.

What to do?

Am I unreasonable to feel rather hurt by this?

Does anyone pull her up on brattish behavior like this?

Shes not going to do very well in law with her attitude I'm afraid , she can't/ won't even explain what she's so shocked about how is she supposed to argue a case ?
Id cancel the booking send a message telling her that and leave it pussy footing around her will not help and her up bringing doesnt give her the right to be downright disrespectful, rude and ungrateful.

I'm guessing not , sounds like they tip toe around her because her dad buggered off and they suffered some hardships like that doesn't happen to millions of kids .

What a cow.

Big red flag for me and a clear signpost of future behaviour is when you said ' know she was disappointed to “only” have got a 2:1' 'Disappointed'? You get the grade that reflects the work you put into it. This sulky petulance and victimhood is an indicator of the behaviour you put in your original message OP. Sorry to hear about this.

Most unis I've known when family/friends kids have graduated is there is another area where the ceremony is put up on big screens because of the 2 ticket rule

OP I just hope it all works out, but just wanted to say you come across so lovely in all your posts. The one that made me laugh is “she is our shit” seems like you have a great deal of love for these step grandchildren. I hope they will appreciate you better one day!

Most Universities have very strict limits on the number of tickets each student can claim for the ceremony. Maybe that is the issue , that she has now realised this and doesn’t know how to say that she can’t get you tickets when she knows you have booked tickets and accomodation.

Now that’s love and support :) I’d go op, in case she’s unable to back down from her dummy spit, I’d just go and move past it. I’d say we’re coming, hope to see you there, if there are limited tickets for the graduation itself let us know and we’ll just hang out for the day and see you after it. I hope your mums managed to work things out, she must be so upset if she hasn’t. We’re proud of you and we will see you there.

Shocking for you, I’m so sorry. I don’t think much could excuse her treatment of you, but let’s say she’s been in a huff over her mother’s possible absence. Perhaps her marvellous chums have all been warbling on about Mater and Pater coming down (sic) from London, and she was already feeling at a parental disadvantage there.

Anyway, could you propose to her that you’ll be delighted with a visit to Oxford regardless, as the Ashmolean has an exhibition at the moment you will enjoy, and the Market is always an essential visit, so the flat will be at her mum’s disposal, or not, or however she prefers things to be arranged, given the great occasion.
She can take it that you are certainly not seeking to attend her ceremony (if you reckon this is her point of trickiness) but on the other hand, if DIL is absent, you’d be honoured to serve in some capacity. Etc etc.

Dear me. I hope you hear from DIL tomorrow, as this is worrying. But surely things will work themselves out, and Oxford will happen in one form or another.
(Afterwards though, resist entrusting any legal work to her!)

Do you think she was inviting everyone for a meal in the day but planned a night out with friends in the evening to celebrate , hence her horror you are all staying overnight?

My advice - IF you can afford it and if OH agrees

1. Confirm the apartment
2. Book a nice but not extravagant table for five on graduation day
3. Inform all relevant parties of all details,
4. in a very "We do hope you can join us" tone
5. Make appropriate plans with OH for a mini-break there
6. Ensure you have taxis booked for all transitions.

Basically, ignore the weirdness and go ahead as planned, while leaving options open for the 'undecided'.

~ Hah, cross-posted with several advising the same

Come off it. The girls brain is developed enough to scrape through a law degree but suddenly can't express herself.

Book a nice but not extravagant table for five on graduation day

That's a terrible idea. It seems that GD thinks that OP has overstepped by booking accommodation without consulting her. Deciding where GD will have her graduation meal without consulting her and her mother, would be making the same mistake again, but even worse, on the back of the first apparent error.

She ran into him in the street a few years ago & he asked her which one she was (he has 2 daughters)

That is horrendous. One of the worst things I've read here, which is scraping a deep barrel.

@ProfessoressaSazzasez I can't imagine ever speaking to my grandparents the way she has done you. God knows what is going through her silly little head. I'm sure whatever it is you'll forgive her, but I hope you get an apology.

Has she actually graduated? I know someone who works as a graduation manager and there’s sad incidents each time about yp who have lied and parents turning up and up isn’t on list. One set of parents had travelled from China. One lad had been pretending to go to uni for 3 years..
Even if has graduated it all needs booking in advance. It all seems very last minute. Again some yp mess up and don’t reply to emails to book on.
No excuse for her appalling behaviour towards you though.

Don't tell me you booked the accommodation BEFORE you'd run them by your daughter-in-law and grandchild.

Oh, naughty OP!

This isn't that kind of thread.

They probably have a screen somewhere for other family members to watch.

The Randolph!

No, "not the Randolph".

Yeah, I think it's the two ticket thing too.

Baffling behaviour on her/their part. How is she going to use that degree if she can't use her written or spoken words to clarify what's going on?

Still a little shit though. Nothing you do will please her, she will find a way to treat you badly - because she's enjoying it. Some people are just like that.

@ProfessoressaSazzasez The thing that burns my bacon

Love it.

Read your OP twice and I still have no idea why she’s kicking off. She’s upset you booked accommodation before consulting her basically? She wanted to stay somewhere flashier? What’s her issue, who will even know where you’re staying?! She’s being bratty.

If she can’t use her words, can’t explain why she is shocked you booked accommodation when asked to do so, then I don’t hold out much hope for her career in law