Granddaughter’s rage over graduation plans.

[ProfessoressaSazzasez]

A few weeks ago OH (80, frail) & I met up with his daughter-in-law & grandkids to give GK#1 a 21st birthday gift & congratulate her on her law degree. I know she was disappointed to “only” have got a 2:1 but it’s from a very famous university & bloody good.

They have had their struggles: their Dad (my stepson) went AWOL from parenthood ten years ago, they were illegally evicted & homeless.
We are very proud of them.

GK invited us to her graduation (on a Friday), we talked about planning the trip & what she wanted us to wear for the photos, & DiL getting a day of work, GK#2 taking the day off school to be there.
OH & I both understood we were being asked to book the accommodation for the 5 of us & travel together.

So I booked us a flat for 2 nights - Thursday & Friday - & forwarded the confirmation asking when we could go up on the Thursday so I could book train tickets.

No reply.

Left a voicemail in case they’d missed the email.

Emailed again.

Got a scolding reply from GK#1 telling me it’s HER big day and she’s shocked, SHOCKED I booked accommodation (after we both understood we were being asked to, & checking with her whether she’d need it too) & complaining her mum is finding it hard to get time off from work (which I do not think I can be blamed for).

So I have no idea what’s going on.

i replied that of course it’s her big day & up to her who she has there, that she might forgive me if I misunderstood what she wanted, & pointed out that it’s too late to cancel the booking, but she’s welcome to use the accommodation if she wants.

I said if she wanted her granddad there she should let us know.

It’s a trek for us to get there, & not cheap: OH is blind & i cant drive, so the earlier we can book train tickets the better.

Silence since then.

What to do?

Am I unreasonable to feel rather hurt by this?

I've found that most places have relaxed things a bit now,on the dress code.
It used to be white top/black bottoms, or black/white dress, or national dress (in Scotland, so a lot of the guys wear kilts - and there's always some fantastic African, Asian, and Scandi national dress too!)
In the last few years, I've seen way more colours creep in; and I'm not aware of any Uni I've worked at stopping a student from walking the stage because of what they turn up in. We might try to spruce them up a wee bit, but I've had students turn up in jeans/t-shirts, and we just kind of pin their gowns together a bit, so not so much shows!

Oxbridge has strict dress codes for each degree and level and ceremonies that are ancient, in Latin and odd.

This young woman is about to start work as a lawyer. She managed to get a law degree from a prestigious university, her planning ability will be perfectly adequate.

OP even if you don’t have tickets some unis screen the ceremony in a separate hall. You’d certainly be able to all go out to dinner together afterwards. Take pictures etc.

Something has gone wrong - is her father interfering perhaps? I think a phone call is required to sort out.

Hoping this is just a miscommunication somewhere or she’s upset about something else and unfairly taking it out on you.

really sad for you though and OH. Hopefully she’ll calm and you can find out what’s going on. Normally I’d say go anyway and use the accommodation for a break but it sounds like the journey might be hard. Shame to lose the money. Could you ask the owners and see what they say about a refund. Doesn’t hurt to ask?!

Her father could not be more out of the picture.

She ran into him in the street a few years ago & he asked her which one she was (he has 2 daughters).

I am acutely aware of how tenuous most of her relationships have been, except with her Mum & sister, (her Mum’s mother is in another country) which is one reason we want to persist.

Ah, well, join the cub....

No advice, beyond that hopefully you’ll manage to talk face to face with her or her mother soon and hopefully something will resolve itself.

But I just wanted to say, what others have already, that you both sound completely wonderful. My grandparents meant the world to me and were equally brilliant. I miss them all the time.

The way you have both looked after your family and have handled and continue to handle the situation - and respond to answers on here (‘she’s our shit’ was very moving) - is remarkable, utterly filled with love, and rather moving. It’s wonderful to be reminded of such brilliant support and love.

Something has clearly happened with your granddaughter and I hope that you will all find a way through this (and before the graduation). But even if she doesn’t know it or can’t manage it at the moment, this consistency and love will shine through later. What a wonderful couple you sound.

How strange. Surely there’s more to the story. You sound like you’re a lovely grandparent and very caring so this reaction seems bizarre. I’d give her a ring rather than emailing and ask what was the problem exactly? Might give you more clarity.

You do sound very lovely in every post you write. I’m sure there has been a big mis-understanding. Perhaps she feels it’s all been taken over somewhat (even though it sounds like she had wanted you to book it). You also sound like you wrote an excellent follow-up. So long as you fit in around her day, I’m sure you’ll all work it out. Surely she must understand that if you are to be there, you need a couple of nights given your constraints….

She is being frankly bizarrely. Hope you manage to sort it out and you and OH enjoy time away. Whether bratty turns up or not.

You do sound lovely and it does sound a bit odd if relationships are normally good.

If you can’t get a hold of your DIL could you ask her sister what’s up?

Maybe you could try calling with your number with-held (prefix with 141) @ProfessoressaSazzasez sounds like a big misunderstanding - maybe the possible limit of 2 tickets? If you ever get through you could clarify that if there are only 2 tickets you are not assuming you will get them; you just want to cheer them on. Hope you get sorted.

She sounds a spoiled , self-centred girl. Presumably she knows your OH is not in good health so I’d expect her to understand your need to plan the trip. Stop pandering to her!

Your granddaughter is 21, and perfectly capable of behaving like an adult, rather than a child. She's behaved dreadfully towards you both, and should be ashamed of herself. If I'd spoken to my grandmother (step or otherwise) like your granddaughter has done to you, my Mum would have gone ballistic at me (and rightly so).

If your granddaughter has made a mistake and invited too many people compared to her ticket allocation, then she needs to be honest with you. The fact she's not responding would infuriate me, because it's immature and unnecessary.

Honestly OP, I would see if you can obtain a refund from the accommodation booking. I wouldn't bother booking train tickets either. I'd send one last email 'Laura, I have cancelled the accommodation booking and requested a refund. Your grandfather and I haven't gone ahead and booked train tickets'. That way you have given her the information. If you don't receive a reply, then it's obvious that you are no longer invited.

She sounds like a right piece of work

I will graduate for my postgrad in a few months and would give my right arm to have my gran there.

Sub Fusc rules at Oxford are still followed precisely. White shirt, black trousers or skirt, black tie or ribbon, black tights, black shoes. No debate.

Finger holding. Definitely a strange one.

What a great reply. ❤️

Mmm... I think theres been a miscommunication, along the lines of

You offer to book accomodation, and she thinks you've offered to PAY for accomodation... for her/sister/mum/friend... and this is just an idea not a definite...

Later she realises she only has two tickets, and then you announce you have booked accommodation for a full weekend (or two days) and she who was planning perhaps a bit of a weekend away on your dime, now realises she has a weekend of entertaining the old n' crinklies, rather than out on the lash with the fresh faced yoof... panics, can't say the real reason, lashes out like a toddler who can't communicate..

And we are where we are.

She has not handled this well, and is being vile. Hope it gets sorted out!

Id send follow up asking what she wants to do. Say that your happy to sit in cafe etc while (insert relative) goes to graduation and you will see her after

Tell her you need to know one way or other if you need to book train or not

Don't tell me you booked the accommodation BEFORE you'd run them by your daughter-in-law and grandchild. I've read on this forum a couple of times now that people just book things on behalf of others without checking with them first, or getting a clear OK from them first...this is what happens as a result.

With that said, your family were extremely rude to you, and I'd be taking a step back and leave them be. They know where to find you if they come to their senses and wish to give you an apology.

If this her/their character, something like this has happened before probably. You also mentioned that she doesn't have many friends. If she has shown herself like this previously that is the reason she doesn't have many/any friends.

She can still have manners though. There is no excuse for the rudeness she's displaying to OP.

Bless your heart OP! 💖

She sounds like a spoilt little bitch