Granddaughter’s rage over graduation plans.

[ProfessoressaSazzasez]

A few weeks ago OH (80, frail) & I met up with his daughter-in-law & grandkids to give GK#1 a 21st birthday gift & congratulate her on her law degree. I know she was disappointed to “only” have got a 2:1 but it’s from a very famous university & bloody good.

They have had their struggles: their Dad (my stepson) went AWOL from parenthood ten years ago, they were illegally evicted & homeless.
We are very proud of them.

GK invited us to her graduation (on a Friday), we talked about planning the trip & what she wanted us to wear for the photos, & DiL getting a day of work, GK#2 taking the day off school to be there.
OH & I both understood we were being asked to book the accommodation for the 5 of us & travel together.

So I booked us a flat for 2 nights - Thursday & Friday - & forwarded the confirmation asking when we could go up on the Thursday so I could book train tickets.

No reply.

Left a voicemail in case they’d missed the email.

Emailed again.

Got a scolding reply from GK#1 telling me it’s HER big day and she’s shocked, SHOCKED I booked accommodation (after we both understood we were being asked to, & checking with her whether she’d need it too) & complaining her mum is finding it hard to get time off from work (which I do not think I can be blamed for).

So I have no idea what’s going on.

i replied that of course it’s her big day & up to her who she has there, that she might forgive me if I misunderstood what she wanted, & pointed out that it’s too late to cancel the booking, but she’s welcome to use the accommodation if she wants.

I said if she wanted her granddad there she should let us know.

It’s a trek for us to get there, & not cheap: OH is blind & i cant drive, so the earlier we can book train tickets the better.

Silence since then.

What to do?

Am I unreasonable to feel rather hurt by this?

She should be able to act above the age of 10 though.

I think you need to be a bit firm with her. “GK1, I’m sorry if we have upset you however we don’t understand the reason why. I’m not sure if there’s been a miss communication however I thought you were asking us to book accommodation for all of us. Without understanding what we have done wrong, it’s difficult to put it right. “

She sounds extremely entitled and unpleasant tbh. Given your OHs age and condition would have expected she would be very clear of what she wanted. To react like that to such a lovely gesture, which she asked for, is just uncalled for and frankly repulsive.

If I spoke to my parents like this, and certainly my grandparents, I'd be getting a clipped ear, a mouthful and not much else from them.

Regardless of what has happened in the past with the ex-wife, she isn't you, you shouldn't be getting treated badly because of it. I would say we will still go if she wants us to, how your OH is very upset about it all and that she can use the accommodation if she wants. I'd also politely remind her that graciousness goes a long way, much further than entitlement and toddler tantrums.

Thing is, we suggested it to general assent & both came away convinced that was what we were asked to do.

That’s one reason Im shocked by the reaction.

We have a bit more disposable income than they do: hence us offering/them asking us to pay.

When OH had his 80th birthday (as we have a tiny home) we paid for them to have a couple of nights in a (basic) hotel here so they could join us. That was fine!

So much for an Oxbridge education. Best she doesn't apply to the Diplomatic Corps.

That’s basically what I said. And silence!

Thats pretty much exactly how I have replied.

To silence.

If the Randolf was a hint, it's extremely hard to get a 1st there for humanities like law. There are a lot of very bright but initially disappointed faces. I would go and sit in Taylors or Vaults (if it's still open), pop across for the photos and be very grateful you can have a seat. The theatre is very cramped!

Not my son! (I do feel the need to clarify that).

it’s a bit of a sad story as his mum took him abroad when he was about 9, & OH did not see him for years.

A 2 day \ night stay for a graduation sounds an extended stay, maybe it’s that? Maybe she was hoping for time with friends?

I wonder if this is about her Mum not being able to get the time off work. If she feels like her Mum isn't making the effort to be there, she might no longer want to go, so you having booked accommodation is upsetting her. (Not that you've done anything wrong!)

I'd contact her Mum just to let her know you've no expectations only want to support GK and give GK a bit of time to calm down and then see how she feels.

I’m in two minds about whether we go & use the place we’ve booked, or write it off altogether (haven’t booked train tickets yet).

i don’t really want to haul OH (who also has Parkinson’s) across country to an uncertain & possibly negative reception.

She’s of course welcome to have time with friends (though she says she doesn’t have many).

And theres no obligation to stay both nights: we’d be staying both nights so OH can rest a bit between journeys.

It’s a long haul for us: less so for them.

I agree with others, you sound lovely, it must be upsetting to have this thrown back in your face like this.

Is it possible she wanted to see the accommodation online before you booked it? Maybe it's not near enough to the graduation for her.

My mum is 75 and if she booked accommodation after everyone having agreed a 2 night stay for 5 people, I would be chuffed.

I hope she sees sense soon. Grandparents are the angels of Earth and should not be taken for granted.

Don't go! She is a shit.

I sent her the booking details: it’s about 10 minutes from the key location - and quite close to where OH & wife#1 were living when SS (her Dad) was born!

There was time to cancel the booking, but it seems a lot more like it was the fact Is booked that the what.

I don’t know.

I’d message everyone and ask if they want you there or not. If they do, speak up now as you need to book train tickets.

if you get radio silence, then you know where you stand.

She’s our shit!

When you speak to OH perhaps suggest the 'only 2 guests allowed so maybe she felt silly for not knowing and lashed out' story. Worded better! As he is frail and has Parkinsons (both my parents did/do).

What a shame. I'd have loved to have had my (single) grandparent at my Graduation. We couldn't get any more tickets, and he was still working in those days too. He was my only ever GP (others died/disappeared before we were born), and meant an awful lot to me.
It sounds like she might think you're taking over, and that she now thinks she will have to spend every minute with you all. We were all kind of self-centred at 21, and probably wants to do a bit of her own thing. Maybe be really clear that you don't really have any expectations, and let her/her mum lead the planning - and be aware for the next time this sort of thing crops up!!

It's not unusual for them to get a bit twitchy as it's the culmination of 3 tough years & emotions can run high. She does seem to have had quite a strange reaction though.

On a side note, at DD's ceremony, another student arrived wearing non - reg shoes (white DMs, not black shoes). One of the staff had to swap shoes with her for the ceremony so she would be allowed to graduate). It's all taken VERY seriously.

Speak to her mum & I hope it gets sorted out. It was in my top 3 days!

oh gosh OP, this is awful from the GC - especially as you were both being nice (and generous!!)

I hope you get this sorted out, what a lovely thing to try and do for them xx

She is a brat and doesn't deserve such considerate caring relatives as you are. How are you supposed to know why she isn't pleased. And what you were supposed to do instead.

It's funny how all previous generations managed to act like civilised adults at 21 and didn't lash out at people when they discovered they'd messed up and invited too many people. This is nothing to do with her developing brain and everything to do with her lack of manners.

OP you've the patience of a saint, her behaviour is appalling and I wouldn't be being kind to her about that, I'd be having sharp words. You don't deserve to be spoken to the way she's spoken to you, it's totally disrespectful and she's effectively thrown your gift of accommodation back in your face. She had a cheek expecting you to book the accommodation for everyone anyway since it sounds like she's decided you're paying for it all without actually asking you. People babying young people is what's causing them to behave this way. Because quite simply they can, and do, get away with it. If it wasn't tolerated they'd soon stop doing it.