Granddaughter’s rage over graduation plans.

[ProfessoressaSazzasez]

A few weeks ago OH (80, frail) & I met up with his daughter-in-law & grandkids to give GK#1 a 21st birthday gift & congratulate her on her law degree. I know she was disappointed to “only” have got a 2:1 but it’s from a very famous university & bloody good.

They have had their struggles: their Dad (my stepson) went AWOL from parenthood ten years ago, they were illegally evicted & homeless.
We are very proud of them.

GK invited us to her graduation (on a Friday), we talked about planning the trip & what she wanted us to wear for the photos, & DiL getting a day of work, GK#2 taking the day off school to be there.
OH & I both understood we were being asked to book the accommodation for the 5 of us & travel together.

So I booked us a flat for 2 nights - Thursday & Friday - & forwarded the confirmation asking when we could go up on the Thursday so I could book train tickets.

No reply.

Left a voicemail in case they’d missed the email.

Emailed again.

Got a scolding reply from GK#1 telling me it’s HER big day and she’s shocked, SHOCKED I booked accommodation (after we both understood we were being asked to, & checking with her whether she’d need it too) & complaining her mum is finding it hard to get time off from work (which I do not think I can be blamed for).

So I have no idea what’s going on.

i replied that of course it’s her big day & up to her who she has there, that she might forgive me if I misunderstood what she wanted, & pointed out that it’s too late to cancel the booking, but she’s welcome to use the accommodation if she wants.

I said if she wanted her granddad there she should let us know.

It’s a trek for us to get there, & not cheap: OH is blind & i cant drive, so the earlier we can book train tickets the better.

Silence since then.

What to do?

Am I unreasonable to feel rather hurt by this?

That's tough. I wonder if she was asking you to pay for it but not choose the location? Or if it's about limited tickets? Whatever the case, I hope she calms down and communicates with you properly.

Just wanted to say I admire your commitment to actually loving her, warts and all, and not saying "fuck the spoiled brat, cut ties!" like a lot of people on here seem to relish in saying.

You're handling this brilliantly - it's confusing but you aren't making too much of a fuss or making it about you which is highly commendable. I can't shed any light on any of it (it is hard to understand her reaction), except to say she is lucky to have you because it sounds like you won't take your bat home because of a misunderstanding or even bad behaviour on her part and you understand that she's had a lot to contend with. Only advice is to take back the initiative and let her know what you will do if she doesn't respond e.g. I think we must have misunderstood but if we don't hear from you by date, we'll assume x and do y - hope you're Okay and well done on the degree. That way at least you'll know where you stand/what you're doing (because half the stress is in the not knowing, I find). I'm sure you'll handle it elegantly.

@ProfessoressaSazzasez Sometimes they really are genuinely shits. No indication here to suggest this is a delightful girl.

You either carry on with your plans and hope you don't get treated like scum and/or ignored. There's also the vanishing chance that the girl is lovely after all.

Or you cut your losses and don't go.

Do let us know how it goes.

It sounds like the OP did check if if they needed the accomodation too and that they believed they were actually being asked to book it. Ofc could be a complete misunderstanding but even if this is the case does not excuse awful rudeness. Just need to say you’ve made your own arrangements / don’t like the apartment / was planning something different.

I would never dream of speaking to my grandparent like this - even if they had particularly ticked me off. It’s also a bit weird that DIL also giving you silent treatment rather than trying to be a go between / explain what on earth has happened. I also only had 2 tickets for my graduation but had several family members trek hundreds of miles to celebrate with me on the day. I can’t imagine the lack of tickets is the reason for this outburst/ poor behaviour

sorry @ProfessoressaSazzasez and hope gets sorted soon bht unless massive backstory we don’t know YANBU

She sounds like a fucking brat!

I have no idea why she would behave like this, it's very strange. I don't believe you got anything wrong with the plans. So sorry OP, made to feel like you did badly wrong when did nothing of the sort.

I hope you get an apology.

I understood it as if they'd talked about it, and OP had gone ahead and booked the flats before getting an actual confirmation from the daughter-in-law and grandchild. I would never commit to any booking before sending the details of the booking to the people I'm going with - and before I get a very clear "yes, go ahead and book" from them. I don't think OP did this...

Can you cancel the accomodation ? I wouldn't go. I'd tell her your cancelling and leave it at that, she sounds ungrateful and nasty.

I wonder did she expect hotel rooms rather than a shared apartment.
If you discussed what to wear for photos, then it’s fair to assume you were invited in some capacity.
And if both you and your husband were sure you were in charge of booking accommodation then you most likely were.
I’d leaning towards your choice of accommodation (which sounds perfect and expensive ! ) might not be living up to her expectations.
I’d imagine mum is mortified by her behaviour and has told her to sort herself out so is MIA until the dust settles

Sorry, I don't have time to read the full thread. Even if the granddaughter can only get two tickets for the ceremony (presume for her sister and her Mum), some unis have a nearby venue with a big screen set up for guests without a ticket to watch a live-stream. Then everyone can meet up afterwards outside the graduation venue for cap-tossing, chatting/ general high spirits, before going in family groups to whatever restaurant they've booked.

Sorry the DGD is being rude. She sounds a bit stressed and could be embarrassed that you've booked and spent money on accommodation, when she might not have tickets for you an d doesn't know yet if her Mum can come. It's common for this age group to be very defensive and almost blame the other party instead. I know, ...I have one just like this! Usually it wears off and they can discuss normally after a couple of days.

Hope it works out and you all have a great day to remember!

She won't be starting work as a lawyer without post-graduate studies and training...

its amazing that someone can attain a degree from Oxford but lack the grace/digity/emotional intellect to treat their own family better than this. I don’t think anything excuses her behaviour on this occasion. But hopefully she apologises and you can get it sorted out. 💐

Good gracious, that's so sad.

I can understand why you haven't read her the riot act and cancelled the booking right away, OP.

I hope you, she and your OH can sort it out soon. You sound like a very lovely grandma.

And it all goes on forever!

Thanks for this info. It's interesting that they're still so strict. I've worked at 4 Unis in Scotland & England, and every one (even Edinburgh! isn't as strict now.) Wonder if that will change again? Who knows!

My bet is they're not answering because of the 2 tickets thing, they now realise OP and her OH have to be uninvited, which they're well aware is damned rude after asking OP to book and pay for the accomodation and they don't want to do it.

I'm guessing Ms. Stroppy has been told that it's her mess, she created it and if she wants to uninvite them she needs to be the one to sort it out. Nobody else can really pick up the phone without ending up being the one to uninvite OP. And Ms. Stroppy is dealing with it by sticking her head in the sand and hoping it goes away, interlaced with lashing out at being forced to face reality and act like an adult for once when she does make contact. It's pathetic.

OP and her OH don't sound scary or unreasonable at all. All Ms. Stroppy has to do is own her mistake, sincerely apologise and come to some kind of compromise. How on earth is she going to survive as a lawyer if she can't even do that?!

@ProfessoressaSazzasez She will
probably have 2 tickets. So who are they for? Are you taking them out for a meal? Most grads just have parents there. This seems confusing to me.

I think you might be right that there are probably some complex emotions mixed up in it OP. It sounds as though things have been tough and sometimes these milestone moments bring all that to the surface.

Sorry she was so rude about it though: it was such a lovely thread until that point and I was hoping you'd all have a lovely time.

Maybe hold your breath and see if there is more story to come ...

The Randolph! It will be the two ticket thing and she feels awful telling you ...

@ProfessoressaSazzasez I have nothing useful to contribute but you mentioning your Jurassic era made me chuckle. If you are from the Upper Cretaceous I wonder what that makes me!

She is your shit - and a clever shit too!

Totally agree.

I’m so sorry, @ProfessoressaSazzasez , because it’s really hurtful when people are so unpleasant to you. Even if I thought my grandparents had made a mistake, I would never, never respond like that!

From what you’ve described, there is absolutely no call for this and GK’s attitude sounds appalling. I know this doesn’t help with the hurt - but you do have my solidarity.

It sounds like it’s Oxford so tickets are very limited and have to be booked up many months and sometimes years in advance - but it does sound like she said she wanted you there so it’s all very odd! Maybe you’re right and she’s feeling the absence of her dad and lashing out.

Hopefully you’ll get some clarity soon and if you have a good relationship with DiL I’m sure she can support in sorting this out.

How bizarre.

Could she be feeling guilty/disappointed because she only got two tickets for guests?

Did she definitely get a place for the graduation on her desired date?

When I graduated, the college threw a big dinner for everyone from that college afterwards. Is it possible she's envisaged a day hanging out with uni friends rather than family / won't be able to meet you for a post-ceremony dinner?

I'd be confused too. Are you getting silence also from DIL?

I suspect she thinks you were being presumptuous, but it’s very obviously an innocent confusion about the tickets. The enraged response is what’s bizarre. Surely you’d feel touched that your grandparents would go to such lengths to be there, even if you had to tell them that unfortunately there aren’t enough tickets. Directing anger at you is extremely rude under the circumstances.

Only two people allowed into the Sheldonian but you can watch the whole thing on the live feed, and then wait at the gate for her to come out.
I agree you need to ask her Mum , it’s so clear that you are both proud of her and would love to be there.
I hope you can sort it out and stick to your plans OP.