Granddaughter’s rage over graduation plans.

[ProfessoressaSazzasez]

A few weeks ago OH (80, frail) & I met up with his daughter-in-law & grandkids to give GK#1 a 21st birthday gift & congratulate her on her law degree. I know she was disappointed to “only” have got a 2:1 but it’s from a very famous university & bloody good.

They have had their struggles: their Dad (my stepson) went AWOL from parenthood ten years ago, they were illegally evicted & homeless.
We are very proud of them.

GK invited us to her graduation (on a Friday), we talked about planning the trip & what she wanted us to wear for the photos, & DiL getting a day of work, GK#2 taking the day off school to be there.
OH & I both understood we were being asked to book the accommodation for the 5 of us & travel together.

So I booked us a flat for 2 nights - Thursday & Friday - & forwarded the confirmation asking when we could go up on the Thursday so I could book train tickets.

No reply.

Left a voicemail in case they’d missed the email.

Emailed again.

Got a scolding reply from GK#1 telling me it’s HER big day and she’s shocked, SHOCKED I booked accommodation (after we both understood we were being asked to, & checking with her whether she’d need it too) & complaining her mum is finding it hard to get time off from work (which I do not think I can be blamed for).

So I have no idea what’s going on.

i replied that of course it’s her big day & up to her who she has there, that she might forgive me if I misunderstood what she wanted, & pointed out that it’s too late to cancel the booking, but she’s welcome to use the accommodation if she wants.

I said if she wanted her granddad there she should let us know.

It’s a trek for us to get there, & not cheap: OH is blind & i cant drive, so the earlier we can book train tickets the better.

Silence since then.

What to do?

Am I unreasonable to feel rather hurt by this?

Could it be that she’s really upset her mum can’t come, and this has thrown the other arrangements out of kilter. Maybe she was expecting her mum to make the trip run smoothly and with her not going, she’ll feel responsible for sister and grandparents the whole weekend

Anyway, no matter her "reasons" your granddaughter is bullying you, because she can. It's that simple. You don't seem keen on putting any boundaries in place, so good luck with her tantrums in the future.

I think it's probably the capped number of tickets and the lack of availability of sufficient tickets for all the people she has invited to the ceremony that has embarrassed her
Perhaps she is just panicking.

. She's probably upset you booked the flat accommodation so promptly at your expense before she found out about the limited number of tickets. Perhaps she's overwhelmed by having to tell family members that you can't all attend the ceremony. Of course that doesn't stop you from all meeting up for a meal, and mingling in the post ceremony crowds and general atmosphere but maybe she thinks the cost of the accommodation , the cost of the meal, gown hire , travel costs is all tooucj when you can't see the ceremony..

Can you Google the 2026 graduation arrangements to try to fathom the event timings, ticket limits and generally what's going on.?

I think you were invited to attend something, but it's not clear what you are being invited to participate in. You and OH still go and make a weekend of the trip and visiting the city, and perhaps just join them them for a celebratory meal, but if you don't have tickets then sadly you can't attend the ceremony. You might still be able to watch it on a large screen via am official video link .

This. She has earned a law degree so she’d better learn how to be an adult.

i would go ahead and book and hope she comes to her senses

tell her you dont mind if she cannot get tickets for the graduation.

How hurtful. I’m sorry you’re having this experience at a time when you should be coming together and celebrating. She sounds rude and full of her own importance. I would let her mum know how upset you are. If I was the GK I would be so grateful you were making such an effort.x

If she can’t work out that people who don’t live in Oxford are going to be staying in Oxford overnight after travelling across country then I think she needs to return her degree.

Considering she has supposedly gained a good degree from a prestigious university but can’t work out basic logistics and has difficulty explaining why she is angry and can’t tell people what the problem is then might I suggest she doesn’t pursue law. It’s not going to end well.

Imagine how she is going to react coming face to face with someone who committed a crime, if you booking an Airbnb for a weekend has left her shocked and unable to speak

Rude, disrespectful, ungrateful, selfish brat.

She’s going to find the real world a fun place to navigate with that shitty attitude!

I would go. Use the flat and plan for a nice weekend away and if you get to celebrate with your dgd then that’s a bonus.

I wouldn’t let your dgd into that flat alone. She doesn’t sound mature enough to not turn it into a party/ crash pad and breakages and mess you will be billed for

Is this at all familiar behaviour from her or very unexpected?

if she’s usually a decent and considerate person, then I would be worried something is going on in her life which is having a huge negative impact.

If there are only two tickets (and she genuinely doesn’t think her grandfather who want to the same uni should have one of them) then she could surely say? You don’t sound like ogres and she asked you to book accommodation.

Something else is almost certainly going on here which is not your fault and being hidden from you.

Very odd.

I hope you get to the bottom of it soon.

Did she ask you to book accommodation? It sounds like mis communication but she needs to use her words

Your DH is 80 and blind and you both are being treated like this?
Absolutely disgraceful behaviour.
Drop the rope and stop pandering. You sound like a lovely woman but it’s not your job to fix this family.

You sound absolutely lovely OP, and very thoughtful.

Does she understand the value of money? Is this behaviour out of character for her?

I’m sorry you are going through this.

Why would you use such a gendered awful insult. Awful language, shameful.

Sounds like she’s had a really challenging life not many of us have experienced being homeless as a child

did your oh take them in ?

her father been absent
yet she’s still achieved all this

id still go to try and show her your trying to be there to support her now
she’s been very hurt over the years

you don’t really know what her pov is
but I’d keep trying

OP says … “OH & I both understood we were being asked to book the accommodation for the 5 of us & travel together.”

Perhaps therein lies the miscommunication. Every family is different - I also like you eould probably have double checked before actually committing to something that is non refundable but that’s mostly because my family are flaky and I don’t have a lot of disposable cash.

Even if it she was annoyed at the booking I don’t think it justifies the extreme response

@theodoretrout It’s not all about work when getting a first, or not. There’s a question of talent. A law degree from Oxford is fine as a 2:1 and it’s what most get. I’d like to know if the DD has a job.

She's probably feeling a little at sea and you are a safe person to lash out at. She's disappointed with her grade, leaving a period of her life behind, graduation might be drawing attention to how different her family and circumstances are to her peers, probably some have already got jobs through connections and she's feeling a bit left behind. Graduation is bittersweet, you're meant to be proud, but you are also leaving some friends, realising you'll never kiss that boy, knowing the next step you're on your own...

She's not behaving well but she's had a lot to deal with and the fact it's such a family centric occasion is bound to bring these feelings up. Leave her be just now and organise through DIL, keep trying to call her, GD is overwhelmed.

Is there a chance that she hasn't got the grade she told you? Or graduated at all? How would you react if she'd got a third for instance?

Could it be embarrassment? Maybe she included and invited you and later found out that tickets are limited? And now she feels herself cornered and is lashing out? Not an excuse but might provide an explanation?

Yes. That’s what a reasonable person would do.

This is understandably upsetting and confusing for you both. It’s clear there are issues within the family (abandonment, bereavement and struggle etc) that don’t always manifest themselves calmly.

It sounds like you’ve done all you can in terms of booking and communicating. Now, you might have to disengage from whatever’s going on, wait until the storm passes and assess the landscape after.

It doesn’t sound as if this is personal about you or her grandfather, but something else. She’s young and stressed and not treating the right people well, but that can all easily change.

Time.

That sounds very mean, is she a bit like this in general or is it out of the norm for her usual behaviour? Perhaps there’s something going on in the background. I hope you get hold of the mum and it is explained - I can’t believe she’s being so mean as your OH has Parkinson’s and is blind, that is a big ask, my own grandad didn’t go to my wedding because he was in his 90’s and frail and it was 300 miles away

Although most universities only supply two tickets per student there is usually some kind of live stream in a public area where anyone can go unrestrictedly and watch the ceremony. There are also usually refreshments available and it’s in some ways, preferable to sitting in the graduation hall listening to the awards of hundreds of strangers being read out when you’ve only come to see one. You can get up and go to the loo or get a drink once you’ve seen your own student graduate rather than needing to sit through it all. When my DCs graduated, my mum, their step mum and their partners came and sat in the communal area, me and their dad had the main tickets and we all went out for a meal afterwards.
maybe your granddaughter and DiL just doesn’t realise this yet and granddaughter thinks she has to leave other people out of the day, when this isn’t necessarily the case. So as pps have said, I wouldn’t cancel at this stage. It’s strange that their mum hasn’t got back to you yet though and helped you to understand the situation. Is she usually reasonable with you both?

That’s sounds really hurtful. I know I would be as gutted and mystified as you are. Personally, I’d contact the flat owner and try and get a refund. I’d cancel going to her graduation. I agree the risk of a negative reception is high and you don’t deserve that.