AIBU to make my daughter get the bus after our row?

[PeriandOverhelmed]

What a horrible start to Monday.

My almost-16-year-old daughter has stamped off in a huff. The background is that all weekend, I nicely asked her to put her washing on - and she started it late Sunday evening. At 9.30pm (my bedtime) I found wet school trousers sat in the kitchen so I hung them up and switched off the tumble dryer. I told her it was much too late to be doing washing and she should have started earlier. This morning, I woke her 30 mins early and reminded her to sort her washing. The trousers were still hanging up and I put the tumble dryer back on. A huge pile of clothes (dirty, clean, wet, I don't know) were lying on the kitchen table and I put them in a laundry basket, took them back to her room and told her I don't know what state these are in but they can't lie in the kitchen.

I also made her breakfast and got ready to take her to school as usual. Then just before we were due to leave, she asked me to write her a note for school to explain that she's wearing leggings rather than school trousers because they're still wet. I said I'm busy getting ready, and in any case, it's her own fault her clothes are wet. She started shouting and crying, saying 'fine, I'll wear wet trousers then' and when I went to go into her room, she shoved the door shut in my face yelling she's 'getting changed for school'. I replied that I'm not taking her anywhere when she's behaving like that. A minute later, she came into my room and asked if I'm taking her to school or is she getting the bus. I said bus given her behaviour and if she shoves a door in my face like that again she can move in her with dad (we're divorced and he does nothing so it's not even an option). So off she stropped - even though it takes two buses and 2 hours to get to school that way and she'll be late.

Now I feel completely rotten about myself and don't know what to do. I guess I already know I was being unreasonable.

Why didn’t you just write the note?

Why does learning to be self sufficient mean it’s ok to threaten to kick her out though?

Fine not writing the note, natural consequence for the washing. The disrespect would have been better handled with something like grounding after school along with a calm conversation about respect and strategies for managing her emotions and being more organised.
Not giving her a lift and her being late for school, especially when she was already very stressed went too far IMO. Threatening to send her to a dad who does FA was very cruel and pretty useless in terms of teaching a child how to behave. It was just you trying to hurt her because you were angry, that's not parenting.

I'm almost 40 and this took me right back to being 15 and fighting with my mum. Being a teenage girl is HARD.

Now I'm an adult myself I can empathise with my mum who would have been peri at that time. We used to have some terrible fights despite the fact she had the patience of a saint - although I didn't realise that at the time!

Don't be too hard on yourself. It's your first time on Earth as well as your daughter's. She needs a little bit of gentleness after her mood swing and you need to be kind on yourself. Give her a hug and tell her you love her.

Reset when she gets home. Apologise for the threat about her father, because it's unfair and unenforceable. Agree an earlier deadline for laundry, that allows enough time for drying. Perhaps before something she wants to do at the weekend, like meeting friends.

Crikey OP with respect you behaved like a teenager! And I say that as the Mother of two teenage DDs. To unpack, I wouldn’t expect them to be responsible for laundering their school uniforms. I would have spoken to them about the laundry situation … and why it cannot stay in the kitchen. And I would have driven her to school. I’m sorry but you threw fuel on a fire …

One rational response to your behaviour this morning will be for her to start leaving home at 6.30am or so to catch her two buses to get to school on time. You are no longer a reliable source of transport to school.

If the trousers shrink why did u then put the tumble dryer back on? Teenagers and particularly girls of this age can be truly almost impossible (and I’ve been there and got the t shirt several times over) but you are absolutely being unreasonable. I hope you don’t make a habit of telling her she can go live with her dad and thus making her feel unwanted. She is likely to be really hurt by that even if you think she knows you don’t mean it. At that age yes she needs to start being more responsible but you have an equal duty to be her safety net. When did u notice both trousers were in the same wash? You could have said something to her, offered a solution that would work for next time. If this is the first time she had got it all wrong then she needed her mums help. If it is a regular occurrence then you need a plan. Work out a plan with her. Show her that it can all work. You seem to have seen the car crash and contemplated it happening then watched it as it did and refused to stop it. She’s 16, she’s not always going to get it right and she still needs a safety net. And tell her you are always there for her and wouldn’t dream of letting her go to her dad because you would miss her too much. Then tell her it’s really tough when she shouts at you. Good luck. None of us get it right all the time but just as we expect our kids to apologise for bad behaviour so must we apologise for getting it wrong.

It won't raise any eyebrows unless it's a regular pattern. Teachers aren't stupid and will absolutely know if there's half a story being told.

There was a lot more to it than your simplified summary. She was given ample opportunity to wash her things in time, she was lazy and then rude. No chance I'd be ferrying someone about who had been a cheeky shite to me. If she was late, it was due to her own fault, not her mother's.

I do agree the dad comment was out of order but everyone has said something they shouldn't in the heat of the moment.

And I’d have avoided her being late if possible. Sometimes after a row the drive to school can be an opportunity to accept what you all got wrong.

I did my children’s washing whilst they were school age,obviously they did the odd load if they specifically wanted something for going out etc .
It saved a lot of drama when they were teenagers and they are all great thoughtful adults now.

I agree. My family was large (5 DC’s) they put all their laundry in the baskets and it was done by me. It just wouldn’t have worked any other way!

And I worked full time, so it wasn’t as if I had all day at home.

We didn’t have the money to replace school clothes that would undoubtedly have been ruined by incorrect laundering either.

I don't believe i used the term natural consequences.

You're correct, you used the term "consequence". Not giving someone a lift to school is not a consequence of them shutting a door in your face. It's a consequence of you wanting to punish them in a not very thought out way.

Its a punishment that OP chose. I personally don't think it's wrong. A PP makes a suggestion upthread of 'grounding ' her after school. That is ridiculous, she's 16, not 12. She was given ample time to do her washing didn't do it, was nagged and nagged, used the drier when OP has probably been clear it's not to be on at night but will also shrink the trousers, assuming it's ok for the other items in the wash, dumped her stuff all over the table, presumably OP doesn't trust she'll turn off the drier when daughter went to bed, then she is rude and disrespectful. OP shouldn't have threatened to send her to a rubbish parent, but many of my colleagues and friends over the years have needed to send their kids to family in the Caribbean and Africa due to their attitude and/or getting involved in bad things and not knuckling down at school. This sort of behaviour wouldn't be tolerated. So telling her she might need to live with another family member if she can't live by the house rules is not inappropriate.

I think it’s a bit tight not to do her washing while she’s still at school really.

Why has she apparently only got one pair of school trousers and why couldn't they go in the dryer overnight?

I would be looking for more consistency. If she is washing her clothes, don’t get involved. Don’t offer lifts that can be taken away, she can get the bus daily.

This will send the message that she is responsible for her own schedule BUT you cannot interfere

I find this really odd.

My teens could and can do clothes washing. They could and can do a food shop, prep meals, clean bathrooms, feed and walk the dog, water and weed the allotment, care for younger siblings, care for granny, empty the dishwasher, hoover...

But they don't do all of these things all the time. Because we are a family. We divide tasks between us to help the household run smoothly and to ensure everyone has what they need when they need it.

We don't run our home like a student house share. I don't want 3 dc doing random loads of mixed laundry any more than I want everyone to have a different shelf in the fridge and their own tea bags and loo roll.

It is madness to say that unless your teen is taking care of themselves like they live in a HMO then they're hopeless and won't make it as an adult.

Personally, I want my teens to be well rested, well nourished, warm, clean, comfortable and socially acceptable. I want them to attend ft school and to take advantage of all opportunities school provides. So I will do everything it takes to ensure this happens.

I know I’m going to get roasted but being 16 is hard. Give her a break. I never expected my teenagers to be responsible for their own washing. They’re all grown up now and quite capable of looking after themselves. And yes I was a single mum with a job and 3 kids at home.

You absolutely did the right thing.

I understand about teaching natural consequences, but I think your behaviour was mean. You knew she had wet trousers and decided to let her fail. Your daughter attending school with incorrect uniform not only reflects badly on her, but you also.

Completely agree with @StableCable It’s really silly to insist that teens do their own washing because they ‘should’ just to make a point. My dc barely did much at home at that age but now in their early twenties they are more than capable of doing laundry, cooking and cleaning.

Interesting post! I was a teenager in the 60's when my mother washed once a week in a twin tub with an electric mangle. I couldn't have washed my school uniform separate from the family washing. And I was never asked to wash anything myself until I went to Uni and had to do everything. It's good to show your daughter what she needs to be able to do to support herself, but I don't think you should set her up to fail. She'll learn fast enough when she has to!

Absolutely appalling behaviour. Yours not DDs. Horrible.