AIBU to make my daughter get the bus after our row?

[PeriandOverhelmed]

What a horrible start to Monday.

My almost-16-year-old daughter has stamped off in a huff. The background is that all weekend, I nicely asked her to put her washing on - and she started it late Sunday evening. At 9.30pm (my bedtime) I found wet school trousers sat in the kitchen so I hung them up and switched off the tumble dryer. I told her it was much too late to be doing washing and she should have started earlier. This morning, I woke her 30 mins early and reminded her to sort her washing. The trousers were still hanging up and I put the tumble dryer back on. A huge pile of clothes (dirty, clean, wet, I don't know) were lying on the kitchen table and I put them in a laundry basket, took them back to her room and told her I don't know what state these are in but they can't lie in the kitchen.

I also made her breakfast and got ready to take her to school as usual. Then just before we were due to leave, she asked me to write her a note for school to explain that she's wearing leggings rather than school trousers because they're still wet. I said I'm busy getting ready, and in any case, it's her own fault her clothes are wet. She started shouting and crying, saying 'fine, I'll wear wet trousers then' and when I went to go into her room, she shoved the door shut in my face yelling she's 'getting changed for school'. I replied that I'm not taking her anywhere when she's behaving like that. A minute later, she came into my room and asked if I'm taking her to school or is she getting the bus. I said bus given her behaviour and if she shoves a door in my face like that again she can move in her with dad (we're divorced and he does nothing so it's not even an option). So off she stropped - even though it takes two buses and 2 hours to get to school that way and she'll be late.

Now I feel completely rotten about myself and don't know what to do. I guess I already know I was being unreasonable.

I was doing my own washing at 16, and went straight from school to a full time job, only a month after my 16th birthday (I'm a July baby)

Its a life skill and shes well old enough to learn it.

Communication is really important this evening, lay out your expectations calmly and make it clear what her jobs are.

Also apologise for threatening to kick her out, you don't mean it and it probably hit her hard.

Teenagers are hard, give yourself and your teen a break.

she can’t be as she was and expect all the perks such as a lift

If the alternative is 2 hours on the bus then a lift to school is not a perk. It's an essential to get a child in GCSE year to the school that their parent chose.

I'm amazed that so many people on this thread think that refusing a lift in these circumstances was reasonable behaviour.

I agree. The punishment should never be something that affects the child’s education. Especially as it was presumably the choice of her parents to send her to a school that’s so difficult to get to.

I wouldn’t do the living with your dad bit but other than that you were absolutely correct and I would have done the same

I don't understand the rules about when people can and can't use the washing machine or tumble dryer. Or why DD could not have dried off her trousers using a hairdryer - if they'd been hung up overnight they must have been almost dry. DS has done this many times!

Depending on your living arrangements the noise of a washing machine or drier can be disturbing to neighbours or people trying to sleep in the same house. And it's generally considered unsafe to run driers overnight.

It's only unsafe to run them overnight if people are asleep - the 15yo could have easily stayed up and waited for the cycle to end if OP hadn't interfered.

I love all the holier than thou comments! It’s so easy for us to sit here and calmly say how we would have dealt with it. Realistically, when you have a teenager, screaming, shouting and slamming doors in your face it’s difficult to keep your cool. Don’t be too hard on yourself OP. Your teenager was pushing it, they lost it then you lost your cool too. None of us are perfect.

DD needs to sort her shit out and this will be a good learning curve. She cannot expect you to fix everything each time she feels a bit lazy. She will also learn that she doesn’t get the privilege of a private parent taxi if she behaves like a turd.

I would suggest you sit down calmly, explain how frustrating it is when she expects you to magic up a solution for these problems. You will help but not enable her. She is old enough to take accountability and manage her own time keeping. You are sorry for suggesting her move to her dad’s, it was a snap reaction to you feeling hurt. You want others to take responsibility sometimes and this was an unkind way of snapping back. You are sorry you said it.

The daughter was still up. She could have run the dryer for an hour then switched it off before going to bed.

School trousers that can’t handle the dryer aren’t fit for purpose. This is drama for no reason.

I never understand making your children do their own washing. Firstly it’s cheaper to wash the whole family’s clothes together. Secondly, she’s a child still in school. I feel sorry for her

I would definitely cut your daughter some slack and do her washing for her. She has enough going on with her gcse year and just navigating life at this tender age.
Rows with teenage kids are predictable in my experience, but be gentle and understanding. Tell her you’re sorry when she gets in later and do something nice together.

I agree. Surely it’s more hassle with everyone doing their own washing?!

She shouldn’t be rude but I think asking a 16 year old to be organised enough to handle all their own washing is quite a lot to ask, especially if it includes school uniform.

My mum sent me away to another country to live with my dad when I was 13. Pretty much just because her boyfriend didn't like me. Then when I was 16 my dad sent me back again because his wife didn't want me around.

It's affected me my whole life, I am almost 40 and I am not over being rejected twice by both parents. I don't think its at all acceptable to threaten kids with this just because they've not done laundry properly and slammed doors IE: normal teenage behaviour

Of course it's not too much to ask

She's 16, not 6. If she can't handle organising her own laundry and uniform, something has gone very wrong somewhere!

Bless you op, youre only human! You sound like a decent mum who snapped! Its clear how much you love her.

She needs more trousers op? Is money tight? A girl of that age needs to have lots of back ups.

I have 10 skirs for dd who is younger, for such a reason. They get lost, they need washing etc.

Also, you know that 'go and live with your dad' was you just snapping. Who hasn't been there!

I hope shes come home and youve made up - maybe get her a little sweetie or some ice cream and help her get uniform sorted xx

No, I specifically got my son to start doing his own washing aged 16, because for me being a parent doesn't just mean caring for my child, it also means raising a functioning adult able to take care of himself. It taught him not only to check care labels, but also to plan ahead for what he would need, and how to schedule his time to make sure he had what he needed. This is clearly what OP is doing with her 16-year-old too, trying to raise a functioning adult.

Yes, it was more hassle to do it that way. But I'd have failed my son if I'd taken the 'it's quicker to do it myself' route. It's worth the hassle to teach your children the basic life skills.

Sheesh!

I clearly remembered going to school with damp trousers on one occasion. They soon dried tbh.😆 My fault and I certainly don't hold any grudges towards my mum. I was a little cow for a little while. I like to think my mum knew it was just hormones! Didn't last forever though. I just think how patient my mum was with us tbh.

You’re not being unreasonable at all and tbh I’d have done similar then felt bad all day . Whether she likes it or you’ve got to have the discussion of your expectations and the consequences. If she refuses to listen then send her a message or letter , what ever she’s likely to read . Don’t write in anger .

She said the tumble dryer shrinks the school trousers

So she has to do her own washing but also has to stick to your own preferred times to do it? Two pairs of trousers is also ridiculous.

You can do this at 18 you know. When they have finished at college etc and are off to university / starting their first proper job. It doesn’t mean you can’t show them before then and explain to them how you do it but I think 16 is very young to be managing their own washing and getting their uniform clean for school alongside doing GCSES and whatever else.

16 is not very young to put a wash on. Most 16 year old are Gillick competent, they are legally old enough to have sex, have a job, make major decisions about their future. And they pretty much all have more than enough free time to complete a few basic household tasks.

If you want to wait on them hand and foot of course you can. But let's not pretend it's a necessity.

Similar. All family washing is in big baskets, and on the whole DH and I do it. Sometimes they do. But we don't all do our own.

It seems like everything she asked was a no. In that instance I'd not have said 930 was too late. I'd potentially have tumbled/let her tumble, at least to half dry to speed up the process.

I wouldn't have further made a big deal of the basket of washing where you didn't want it, I wouldn't have said no to the letter, and the lift, and everything else. Sometimes a little teamwork.

Shes not a little kid. She needs to learn, like we all have, to be self sufficient.
Yanbu imo.