AIBU to make my daughter get the bus after our row?

[PeriandOverhelmed]

What a horrible start to Monday.

My almost-16-year-old daughter has stamped off in a huff. The background is that all weekend, I nicely asked her to put her washing on - and she started it late Sunday evening. At 9.30pm (my bedtime) I found wet school trousers sat in the kitchen so I hung them up and switched off the tumble dryer. I told her it was much too late to be doing washing and she should have started earlier. This morning, I woke her 30 mins early and reminded her to sort her washing. The trousers were still hanging up and I put the tumble dryer back on. A huge pile of clothes (dirty, clean, wet, I don't know) were lying on the kitchen table and I put them in a laundry basket, took them back to her room and told her I don't know what state these are in but they can't lie in the kitchen.

I also made her breakfast and got ready to take her to school as usual. Then just before we were due to leave, she asked me to write her a note for school to explain that she's wearing leggings rather than school trousers because they're still wet. I said I'm busy getting ready, and in any case, it's her own fault her clothes are wet. She started shouting and crying, saying 'fine, I'll wear wet trousers then' and when I went to go into her room, she shoved the door shut in my face yelling she's 'getting changed for school'. I replied that I'm not taking her anywhere when she's behaving like that. A minute later, she came into my room and asked if I'm taking her to school or is she getting the bus. I said bus given her behaviour and if she shoves a door in my face like that again she can move in her with dad (we're divorced and he does nothing so it's not even an option). So off she stropped - even though it takes two buses and 2 hours to get to school that way and she'll be late.

Now I feel completely rotten about myself and don't know what to do. I guess I already know I was being unreasonable.

It’s not overnight. It’s half an hour past OPs bedtime, while the 16 year old was still up

I really dislike teenage brat behaviour, but I think it was unreasonable to make your daughter take the bus without some advance warning that this would be the consequence if she behaved disrespectfully toward you. By the time you 'warned' her, she'd already done it and had no choice but to be late to school.

I understand being annoyed she waited until the last minute to do the laundry, and she needs to learn to manage her time better and do as you ask, but this didn't have to blow up this way.

if it helps, you’ve made me feel better that I’m not the only one who regrets losing my shit.

im the same as you, early bed time and the dryer would keep me awake so I have the same rule. It has caught my DD out once or twice. I don’t know why they didn’t dry it they were hanging up all night tho?

she can’t be as she was and expect all the perks such as a lift but you were being petty not to write her a note. It could have ended there and everyone would feel much better. I’ve done it before too so that’s not from my pedestal of great parenting, that’s fucking up enough to see where the line would be drawn when it happens again.

I would speak to her about the living with her dad comment. I’d genuinely apologise and say you didn’t mean it and it would never happen. My mum used to say it and add “it’s not your fault, you’re just like your dad”. It always made me feel I wasn’t welcome in either places and they had both been lumbered with me and neither of them really wanted to deal with me.

when I’ve gone too far in the past, I always apologise first. I’m the adult and I’m her safe space. Who cares about ego. Unless she does the same next week… the let her have it 🤣

See, I actually think you were pretty unreasonable here.

1. You told her to get a (two hour!) bus when it was always far too late for her to get to school on time. So you’ve made her late, which is going to have consequences at school. This is all on you.

2. Making out you don’t want her to live with her and would send her to live with her Dad - even in jest - is not ok.

And then 3), on the laundry - I know I don’t agree with most of Mumsnet on this one, but I don’t see why washing has to be such a big deal and why all members of the family seemingly have to washing their own clothes separately.
Growing up there was one washing basket - everything went into it and it got washed. Now with my own home and family it’s the same - my DH and I do each other’s laundry, because all washing just gets washed. The kids’ clothes gets washed with ours and I can’t imagine wanting each child to do their washing themselves. I get pretty annoyed at the oldest of my children when he doesn’t put dirty uniform in the washing basket but hangs it back up, but that’s it. I do ask them to help me hang up the washing on the line and eventually I’ll teach them to put a load of themselves, so it’s not a wanting to do everything for everyone thing.. but having each individual person do their own individual washing is just making it a bigger deal. I appreciate others don’t agree on this one though.

No one has said to leave it overnight? The daughter was still up. She could have switched it off when she went to bed.

My 2 have enough washing for a load as they are adult size teenagers and do their own washing. They never put it in the dryer though so I do that but I won't hang it out in the summer. Nothing shrinks in the dryer, I thought trousers made for school are not shrinkable Even if you get the tesco ones or wherever make sure the are dryer friendly

^ and you were the one who chose her useless father, not her!

Yep, I certainly do. Primarily because it's in a utility extension the other side of a very thick 200 year old stone wall and a bomb proof Georgian door (the old external wall and back door to the house,) and we have these modern inventions called fire alarms. I don't turn it on if I'm leaving the house however, the dogs wouldn't know what the bleeping meant!

It’s just all a bit unfortunate, yes she should have sorted her washing. She over reacted I’m guessing because she already knew it was her fault that her trousers were wet but she asked you to write her a note not tell her it’s her own fault she already knew that but slamming the door in your face is too far. I don’t blame you for not taking her but I’ve been there myself before and then felt terrible all day but in the grand scheme of things it’s not a big deal, yes she will be late but hopefully she will think on this and realise if she had just sorted her washing then all of this could have been prevented. Don’t be hard on yourself it will all be ok and teens are hard work

The washing situation sounds like it needs some attention and organisation.
My DD does her washing and drying at night for economic reasons but knows to check before going to bed to check its dry for school.
Always having spare pair of trousers for emergencies is useful too.
You feel bad about the emotional response when stressed about going to her dads and thats understandable...apologise for that part.
As for the punitive measure of making her take a 2 hour bus journey,i think that harsh.
If you could go back how would you handle this differently?

I understand wanting her to take some responsibilities on, and the natural consequences of the washing issue being that she either gets in trouble at school for wearing the leggings, or she wears slightly damp trousers. I don't think everyone doing their own washing, particularly in a two person household, is efficient though!

Think it's ridiculous that you wouldn't give her a lift to school because you were annoyed at her behavior, and made her get the bus. It's not unreasonable for her to get the bus, if planned so she knows in advance and can be on time to school, but withdrawing a lift and making her (very) late for school at the last minute is very unreasonable.
I do also think, generally, that 2 hours and 2 buses is a bit much for a school commute, and shouldn't be done unless it's unavoidable.

Also, terrible to threaten to kick her out to her dads.

I think you need to apologise, and make it up to her tbh. And lay out what you expect from her, and what you will do next time. Something like, you'll remind her once about washing on Friday evening, then it's up to her. If it's not done, you won't scream and shout, and you'll still give her the arranged lifts to school, but you also won't write notes or make excuses for her to school. The rules are tumble dryer and washing need to be off when she goes to bed, with anything wet hung up somewhere over night. Any consequences from school for incorrect or dirty uniform then are on her, and she takes them without complaining, and that may also be where you say if she gets detention you won't pick her up late, so she'll have to get the bus home from any detentions. A big apology for threatening to kick her out and make her live with dad, and then an Activity together to make it up to her, and am agreement to move forward from there and leave it in the past.

I'd also buy her at least another pair of school trousers (or a skirt or whatever), so she's got at least 3 bottoms/ trousers. If she's not already, I'd also top up to 6 shirts, and 2, maybe 3 jumpers. That way you can be away for a weekend without washing stress, and she's got contingency for particularly wet or muddy days.

She’s 15 and just started a tough year at school. You could have put the washing on yourself in the time it took you to keep asking her.

Absolutely awful that you threatened her with her useless dad. Ffs. Be the effing grown up mother.

She is in school, if you knew the trousers needed sorting you should have done it. If you are trying to teach responsibility then fine, but at least check and make sure you help prevent an issue.

Some of the things you complain about are just normal jobs a parent should be doing for their school aged child. It’s not a good look, do better!

And don’t walk into the bedroom of a teenager without knocking first…how have you got to her being 15 without working out she needs her own privacy

Me too

I don't know op, I'm all for kids doing chores but I think I'd have checked her uniform was ready before Sunday night. I also wouldn't use no transport as punishment. She was a bit lippy, doesn't seem extreme.

This. It wasn’t until I joined MN that I became aware school children did their own laundry.

My washing machine bleeps when you turn the dial. When he was a toddler, he liked turning it! So when got older he totally knew how to turn it on and made sense that he put stuff in too.

Teens are hard. BUT, I view it as a minimum my duties are to clothe and feed them till they are 18 under my roof - and that means providing them with clean clothes.

She's not 16 yet, so totally your ward and responsibility still. She's a child.

You should have taken her to school and punished her another way.

Ok and now you know. We don't all infantilise our children, or treat childhood as this carefree, responsibility-free state that stops suddenly at 18.

Agree.
Although I do understand why you said what you did about her dad. She was pushing you.

Not sorting her washing - YANBU
Not writing a note about the leggings- YANBU
Not giving her a lift and threatening to make her live with her dad - YABU

In year 11?
I really backed off.
In school they used to tell them how important year it is and their lives will be completely over if they don't do well. Too much work, too much stress. Seemed like all teacher thought kids have only 1 subject -their's. No time for mental rest.
I always used to do school uniform/ PE kits/ school shoes Friday night so Saturday all is ready for next week.
Time to apologise about dad comment and bus.

Sympathy i also have teen daughter who is driving me bonkers with her washing antics

all ok but id not use her dad as a threat as its a) empty threat and b) using rejection as a punishment is not ok

but dont be so hard on yourself , repair tonight with a chat snd make up takeway. Or something

My mum threatened to send me to live with my dad once during my teens. I'm sure she didn't mean it but it's really stayed with me. I'd apologise for that and have a calm conversation with her about being more organised with her washing going forward.