AIBU to make my daughter get the bus after our row?

[PeriandOverhelmed]

What a horrible start to Monday.

My almost-16-year-old daughter has stamped off in a huff. The background is that all weekend, I nicely asked her to put her washing on - and she started it late Sunday evening. At 9.30pm (my bedtime) I found wet school trousers sat in the kitchen so I hung them up and switched off the tumble dryer. I told her it was much too late to be doing washing and she should have started earlier. This morning, I woke her 30 mins early and reminded her to sort her washing. The trousers were still hanging up and I put the tumble dryer back on. A huge pile of clothes (dirty, clean, wet, I don't know) were lying on the kitchen table and I put them in a laundry basket, took them back to her room and told her I don't know what state these are in but they can't lie in the kitchen.

I also made her breakfast and got ready to take her to school as usual. Then just before we were due to leave, she asked me to write her a note for school to explain that she's wearing leggings rather than school trousers because they're still wet. I said I'm busy getting ready, and in any case, it's her own fault her clothes are wet. She started shouting and crying, saying 'fine, I'll wear wet trousers then' and when I went to go into her room, she shoved the door shut in my face yelling she's 'getting changed for school'. I replied that I'm not taking her anywhere when she's behaving like that. A minute later, she came into my room and asked if I'm taking her to school or is she getting the bus. I said bus given her behaviour and if she shoves a door in my face like that again she can move in her with dad (we're divorced and he does nothing so it's not even an option). So off she stropped - even though it takes two buses and 2 hours to get to school that way and she'll be late.

Now I feel completely rotten about myself and don't know what to do. I guess I already know I was being unreasonable.

Honestly, it all seems a bit mean and petty. Surely you do your own washing? Can you not just throw the whole load in a couple of times a week and dry them? DD could then hang them back up in her room. What with that and the comments, you sound like a pretty mean mum all in all.

I don't see why there's a 9:30pm time limit on washing. If she was doing it then, just let her get on with it.

My DS sometimes goes to school with wet trousers. Not a massive deal.

Natural consequences. If you reminded her to do the laundry all weekend and she didn't, it's on her.

I've never understood the rationale of each person doing their own washing. Mine didn't generate a full load each week, so we'd have needed more uniform for a start, especially if wanting to wash white shirts separately from dark colours. Plus you potentially have two people needing to run a load at the same time. Surely it's just much simpler to pool things?
It doesn't stop kids doing chores - they could be responsible for putting a load on on certain days, or doing their own ironing, or something else altogether.
(DD didn't do laundry when at home, but is so efficient at uni that she comes home with clean clothes.)

Sorry but at 15/16, they still need some guidance. I would have been a little more directive that she needed to get her washing on before a certain time, got her to set a timer/reminder on her phone to remember to put her stuff in the dryer. I would not have switched off the dryer, but simply told her not to do it again. I think you’ve been rather harsh and unsupportive, really.

Sending a child to school in wet clothes? I'd regard that as a sign of neglect

I really wouldn't make my child launder their own school uniform, it's really asking for situations like this. Telling her to live with her dad. That's really sad. Quite the way to make her feel completely unlovable. I would've driven her to school. 2 hours is ridiculous but in the heat of the moment I do get it. I'm no saint.

damned right.

@PeriandOverhelmed you exacerbated that situation, and IME, she’s 16, this is the hardest part of child rearing.

you need to be kinder.

and who the fuck threatens to chuck their child out over laundry? To a useless dad? That will have stung her. That’s mean.

my DS (now nearly 21) was tricky 15-17 whereas before and since he’s a total joy to know. He’s no goody two shoes, not at all, he’s full of character and schemes, but he’s never ever insulted me.

his dad is useless, like totally. The ONE thing I always worked hard to promote is that my son is my world and I’m the one he relies on. With your set up love, this is the same dynamic

this shitty phase won’t last, so when she’s home, have a kind word with her, allow her to climb down and fgs, make sure her clothes are dried and ready for her tomorrow

she’s only just back to school and not even in a routine yet.

your user name, I sympathise, perimenopause is horrible, so try not to sweat the small stuff with her, help her to help you have an easier time.

this phase won’t be forever for you too. (((Hug)))

Did she know she had a time limit for getting the washing done last night in advance?

Please don't underestimate the damage a comment like she can go and live with her Dad can do to your relationship, even if to you its a throwaway comment that you obviously didn't mean.
My Mum used to say stuff like this and I have a very poor relationship with her now as an adult - comments like that played a big part I think.
She thinks I was/am over sensitive.....I think when you're a teenager whose family has broken apart you feel extremely insecure, so of course you're sensitive to the notion that nobody wants you. Its actually an awful thing to say.

Agree with this. She will miss classes, no point in damaging her education. Super frustrating though, completely get how painful these stroppy teens can be.

I personally wouldnt have chosen washing school clothes as the hill to die on on a Sunday evening/Monday morning. It all sounds quite petty and unnecessary and as if you both dont get on generally.

you were unnecessarily mean imo

🙄

Yes, this was the situation re laundry in our household when I was growing up. My siblings and I all became fully independent adults on leaving for uni and beyond.

I don’t think I’d have turned the drier off at 9.30 - I’d have told her she has to turn it off when she goes to bed and hang up anything still wet.

9.30 is a very early bedtime for an adult - it seems an early time to say everything in the house has to shut down.

She should obviously have done her washing on one of the earlier times of asking and definitely not spoken to you so rudely though.

It's extremely nasty to throw the fact that she has a useless Dad in her face. That's not her fault.

Teenagers are shit at being organised mostly, you have to help them with organisation strategies. Lists, timers, wall charts. Just telling her to do something isn't enough for teenagers, they don't have adult levels of executive function yet.

i also dont understand of lots of individual loads and mine were perfectly capable once they flew the nest

If you think she should do her own washing then leave her to it. Don't remind her (she can wear last week's trousers if they didn't get done); don't micromanage (if you have rules over times for laundry, then tell her in advance); don't push into her room (she's entitled to her privacy) and most of all don't make comments about not wanting her.

If you've chosen to send her to a school that's 2 hours away on the bus, then it's a basic parenting need to drive her there, not use the bus as a punishment.

Lots of apologising needed later.

This is called parenting and consequences, you did nothing wrong so no need for the navel gazing and hand wringing but most posts will probably say you were in the wrong and to apologise

Just on the practical side of things — I find a heated airer useful to quickly dry things which I can’t tumble dry because of the fabric and when line drying isn’t an option. I also use it to finish drying clothes which come in a bit damp from the line. It might have helped in this sort of situation, so could be worth considering if getting clothes dry is sometimes problematic.
I use a Black and Decker one with a cover.

I dont get this washing thing i do washing others have their jobs they do around the place we are all perfectly capable of doing what we would have to do but we dont because we do our own things no fights or arguments we do what we have to do

I would have driven bit not the rest but i dont how how people live with all this drama

I grew up with a harsh mum who would’ve been ruthless like this letting me experience natural consequences. Thing is, it didn’t teach me much, it just made me resentful.

I think 15/16 year olds need more support, especially around school.

Why not work together and pool the laundry, how do you ever get a full load? She could hang it out?

Wash your child’s school uniform and provide her with more than 2 pairs of trousers

Better to pick your battles. Teenagers are hard enough without their parents behaving like children as well. There is no need to turn every little thing into a huge deal. Why turn the tumble dryer off? Were her trousers in it?
I'd have sorted them for her, far better to facilitate her getting to school on time than scoring some kind of imaginery point by making sure her trousers stayed wet. What on earth was that about?
When did it become a thing that it is too late to do laundry. We get cheap electricity overnight so I put both washing machine and tumble dryer on time to run after 11.30pm.
I'm all for children have some responsibilities around the house but I think the idea of them doing their own laundry separate from the household laundry is a bit bizarre. As you've discovered, it's far more trouble than its worth. There are plenty of things she could do to help out which don't run the risk of inteferring with her education.